Catherine quotes from Veep

Catherine

[about Jonah] You guys, are we seriously gonna let the guy with the police sketch face of a rapist tell us what to do?

Catherine

Okay. Your big day is a travesty, all right? I get it. It's like my 21st birthday, or my 18th birthday, or every other birthday, okay? Your entire life has been leading up to this moment, and as a result of that, my entire life has been awful. Posing for Christmas cards, watching C-SPAN instead of Sesame Street, going to memorials of old Israeli men that I've never even heard of. I have had a hard, lonely, miserable life, and the only thing that is gonna make it worthwhile is if I become the daughter of the next President of the United States. So you need to go out there, and you need to stop behaving like a little bitch.

Selina

Okay, sweetie, I am not a bitch, but thanks. And that jacket doesn't work, by the way. You look like a waiter.

Catherine

Goddammit. [To Gary and Dan] It's okay. Fixed her.

Amy

If Thornhill strayed once, there may be others. Maybe a crack whore if we're lucky.

Catherine

Call me naive, but isn't that unethical?

Amy

You're naive. Welcome to politics.

Kent

Catherine, America doesn’t like you.

Catherine

What?!

Kent

That sounded way too harsh when boiled down to a headline thought.

Catherine

[grabbing Kent's pages of polling statistics] Let me see that!

Kent

It's not that you're unlikeable, it's just that there's a perception...that you are unlikable.

Catherine

They hate me!

Kent

I wouldn't say "hate", you just...polarize opinion, with the bulk of it gravitating to this poll here. [indicates on the page]

Catherine

This is like high school all over again!

Kent

Yeah, kind of, but much bigger!

Catherine

Being the First Daughter is a big responsibility.

Selina

Good.

Catherine

But I'm happy to serve my country, and to help out my mom.

Selina

That's very good, yes.

Catherine

I love you, Mom.

Selina

Oh, no, honey. You've got to say it like you mean it, though, darling. It's so easy. It's like, "I love you, Mom."

Catherine

I love you, Mom!

Selina

Well, not like that.

Well, your sperm count looks normal, but the motility is abnormally low, which means, I'm sorry to say, that it may be virtually impossible for you to conceive.

Dan

Seriously?

Catherine

I'm so sorry, Dan...

Dan

So I've been pulling out this entire time for nothing?

Marjorie

Well, that has nothing...

Dan

Oh, I am gonna save a fortune in Morning After pills! There are, like, three girls who owe me an abortion refund.

Richard

I've never done this before.

Catherine

Well, you just go in there, and...

Richard

No, I mean I've never, ah, "shook the Devil's hand".

Marjorie

You mean... masturbate?

Richard

Well, "self-husband". Does it hurt?

Catherine

No, no, Richard...

Marjorie

How is that possible?

Richard

Well, my family in Iowa is pretty religious. Grandma Splett always said that self-pleasure was a sin, like microwaves or laughter.

Catherine

Do you need a minute?

Richard

No. Worse comes to worse, I'll just burn in hell, like Grandma Splett.

Catherine

We should get going. We're actually doing a "Herstorical" tour of great female Southern writers.

Marjorie

And where they killed themselves.

Catherine

This is a pretty good turnout for a dog funeral. Even the governor's here. Who are all these people?

Richard

Novelty mayors are Iowa's number one form of tourism, after tornado chasing and coming into town to buy Sudafed.