Bill Ericsson quotes from Veep

Bill Ericsson

What is Gary doing? Trying to max out America?

Ben

Wow. Who knew they made lampshades out of unobtanium?

Okay, I will not hear a single bad word said about my friend Gary, but yeah! Yeah, he is out of control!

Ben

Did you see the cost of the dinner?

Bill Ericsson

This'll sting us. Make us look decadent and remote.

Ben

Said the Princeton grad in the Valentino tux.

Dan

Sir?

Ben

Yes?

Dan

The HIV girl.

Ben

Yes?

Dan

The one that the president mentioned in the CBS interview.

Ben

Yes?

Dan

Alright, well, some people on Reddit put the details together and now the whole town knows who she is.

Ben

Fuck! You know, I preferred when the Internet was just AltaVista and that little Star Wars kid! Did we definitely out this girl?

Dan

Yeah.

Ben

Shit!

Dan

Only her doctor and her principal knew, now parents are keeping their kids home from school 'cause they don't want them to, quote, "catch AIDS."

Ben

Oh, there's a town with no Gay Pride parade or a goddamn library!

Bill Ericsson

Where did this data come from? How did we get her medical records, and why didn't we ask her parent's permission?

Ben

Oh thank you, Question Man! You've just saved the entire city! Or did you?

Mike

This is catching fire like a gas station in a Michael Bay movie.

Dan

What's our line here? Do we tell the president?

Ben

No! She's gonna panic! We gotta find out more facts, aright? Bozos, disassemble!

Bill Ericsson

Sounds like he's learning a sex alphabet.

Ben

I've seen a salmon in a grizzly's mouth look less panicky than that!

Bill Ericsson

Where is Congresswoman Bennett?

Mrs Brewer

She is absent.

Bill Ericsson

Yes, I got that. I took Noticing in high school!

Ben

There's only one person who I'd be more surprised to see today in the Roosevelt Room, and that's Teddy fucking Roosevelt.

Bill Ericsson

I'm just trying to help the President.

Ben

And she appreciates that, but the US Attorney for the District of Columbia is prepared to indict you. You're as welcome here as a swastika-shaped shit in a synagogue.

Bill Ericsson

Of course.

Ben

I've spoken to the president, and she's willing to consider a full pardon, if you surrender quietly. No media. Just don't want to dominate the news cycle.

Bill Ericsson

Can I just say one thing?

Ben

Yes, goodbye.

Jonah

There are some—I know, I know—there are a lot of people out there saying that I shouldn't be president. The NEA, the AMA, the AFL-CIO, the UCLA. And you know who else thinks that I don't have the intelligence, or the tentriment to be president? My very own campaign staff. Yeah. They have been working against me, trying to stop me from being president. Yeah. No that's right, you can boo 'em, go ahead. [people start booing] Go ahead, boo, yeah. That is my campaign chair Amy Brookheimer—she recently had an abortion! That is my chief strategist Teddy Sykes. He is an overgrown midget who had to be chemically castrated! And this—and that guy right there, that's . . . Eric something?

Bill

[incredulous] Bill Ericsson!

Jonah

That's Eric Bill Ericsson and I don't exactly know what his title is, but he thinks he's better than me, and he thinks he's better than everyone in this room. And one more thing. I just found out from my stupid stepfather—

Teddy

Father-in-law!

Jonah

From my stupid stepfather-in-law that math was invented by Muslims . . . [people gasp] Yeah, and we teach this Islamic math . . . to children. These math teachers are terrorists! Algebra? More like Al Jazeera! Under a Ryan Presidency, I will ban this Sharia math from being taught to American children! There will be no more math. No more math! No more math! No more math! [people start chanting; Jonah accidentally punches his wife whilst fist-pumping] No—are you—she's fine!