Gary Walsh quotes from Veep

Gary

She's gonna ask you for a chamomile. She doesn't want chamomile; she wants peppermint. Okay? She gets a little confused, but do not point it out.

Amy

So, Dan, Are you enjoying working for Hallowes?

Dan

Not really. She's middle of the road. She's mediocre, really. Of all the -ocres, she's the mediest.

Gary

[about the coffee machine] Do I add water to this machine? It's like a robot.

Dan

It's a nice bag, Gary.

Amy

You know, he calls that "The Leviathan."

Dan

Ooh, you got the nuclear codes in there, buddy?

Gary

[still about the machine] Is there a pouch or something that I put into this?

Dan

Jesus fucking Christ. All right, look, watch me, autismo. You take the little pod, put the little pod in the fucking hole, shut the fucking lid, hit the fucking button for two fucking seconds. Oh, it's so easy.

Gary

Too quick, I didn't see it.

Dan

Yeah, well, next time pack an espresso machine in your big fuckin' bitch bag.

Dan

I really admired your primaries campaign.

Selina

Oh, how nice. Thank you very much.

Dan

Two things I would have done differently.

Selina

Two things? Oh, no kidding. What are they?

Dan

I think you spent too much time in New Hampshire. That was in the bag. And the attack ads in Oregon came up four days too soon, made you seem mean before you had to be. But, I mean, hey, you're the old pro here.

Gary

Ooh!

Dan

You're the pro.

Selina

Oh, my God, this heat is just unbearable.

Gary

I feel like a gecko.

Amy

Sorry to interrupt, but fuck-a-deedoo-dah, fuck-a-dee-ay! Martin at the White House.

Selina

What?

Amy

"Clean Jobs task force likely to be green lit!" Exclamation point.

Selina

Yeah! Oh, my God! That is so great for me!

Amy

And the country.

Selina

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what I meant. Oh, Amy. Good job, Amy.

Amy

That's why I get paid the medium bucks.

Jonah

Whassup, as they say in the late '90s?

Selina

Hey, Jonah. Did the President cancel the Chinese premier to come to my 20th party?

Jonah

No, ma'am. Although I'm sure he wouldn't miss it for the world if it weren't for the fact that he runs the world. [Selina fakes a laugh] I'm sure his absence has nothing to do with your rift with the first lady.

Selina

What? There is no rift. It was one tiny little disagreement and everyone's making it out like we had a catfight in the map room or something.

Gary

She'd be a rough fighter, though. She's got big shoulders. Those aren't pads.

Gary

You're not gonna believe this. Selina is on next years list of hurricanes.

Selina

Ugh, shit! What if it hits and we get a headline saying "Selina causing large scale devastation."

Amy

People won't equate you with a natural disaster, ma'am.

Selina

Really, Amy? Cause I've met some people. Okay, real people. And I gotta tell ya a lot of 'em are fucking idiots.

Gary

[after faking a call from POTUS] FYI, the President is not calling.

Selina

FYI, Gary, no shit.

Gary

What did you do?

Amy

You know what I did? I went to bed at 7:00 p.m.

Gary

Ooh.

Amy

7:00 p.m. on a Saturday night. Even people who are dying of malaria stay up later than that.

Gary

Well, they can't sleep because they're coughing.

Gary

Oh, my God. Is she falling asleep?

Amy

No, she cannot fall asleep on live TV. Not on C-Span. The irony would be too huge.

Selina

"Viagra Prohibitor"? Why, because when a guy's with me he doesn't need viagra?

Amy

No. It means that even if a guy uses it...

Selina

...It doesn't work? They are saying that a prescription medication that is supposed to guarantee a strong and sustained erection in all men despite their age or their health is rendered ineffective by me? You know what? You no longer search on the nicknames.

Gary

God, no.

Amy

You said you had thick skin.

Gary

Wait wait wait, what about V-Pilf?

Amy

No, Gary.

Gary

That's flattering. You know what that means? Vice President I Would Like to, you know, fool around with.

Amy

Fuck.

Gary

Okay.

Mike

You sure you're ready, Mr. Thrash Metal? Heard you only got two hours of sleep last night.

Dan

Yeah, well, with how many times you've got to get up and pee, Mike, I think we're about even.

Selina

Hey, have you boys read the latest draft of clean jobs?

Yes, ma'am.

Selina

Okay, so you've got your critiques all prepared?

Dan

Mm-hmm.

Mike

Mm-hmm.

Selina

Who's gonna go first?

Mike

Ladies first.

Selina

So you can be harsh. You don't need to hold back or anything.

Dan

Sure. This is class genocide.

Selina

This is this um, huh?

Dan

This is rich white people and their rich white champion Selina Meyer demanding an unproven solution to an unproven problem so they can sleep better at night. Who works for large polluting companies? Ordinary blue collar Americans. Who will get fired or have their wages cut to pay for these taxes? Ordinary moms and dads. Who will suffer when these companies are no longer competitive because of your high taxes and noncompliance penalties. This is cold, calculated, class genocide perpetrated by someone who is either evil or eligible to be held on a 5150 at a mental health facility. Shame on you, Selina Meyer.

Selina

Okay.

Dan

Remember that name. No one will want to call their child by that name. There are no more Adolfs. Soon there will be no more Selinas. You are looking at the last Selina. The Selina who killed America.

Selina

Wow.

Gary

Oh, my God, Dan. No more Selinas?

Selina

Okay. Quiet, okay? I don't need to hear you. Mike? Acchh...

Mike

My chief criticism is that I don't fully understand it. If I don't understand it...

Selina

All right, good job, dummy. Sit down.

Gary

Selina's had a miscarriage.

Dan

Well, this is good for us.

Amy

Nicely done, Dandroid.

Mike

How is she?

Dan

Free from a major fucking political headache, I'd say.

Sue

That's deep space cold, Dan.

Mike

Explains why you piss liquid nitrogen.

Gary

The thing about Ohio is the weather is completely schizophrenic.

Selina

I know.

Gary

We dress you wrong, you're either freezing like a popsicle or you're sweating like a hog. [she gives him a look] Or a ballerina or modern dancer.

Selina

[very tired, hearing she has interviews to do] Oh, God.

Gary

Okay, I got coffee, I got ginseng, I got protein bars. You want some of those?

Selina

No.

Gary

No?

Selina

I need that stuff that junkies use. You know, when it takes a cop 15 bullets to put him down.