Kent Davison quotes from Veep

Kent

You are going to change America in a way that usually only war and fluoride can.

Kent

I know it's terrible that the First Lady tried to kill herself, but our carrying on is what she would have wanted—does want.

Kent

In current gay parlance, Dan presents somewhere between a wolf and an otter, what some would call a frost otter.

Kent

All I do is provide POTUS with the polls. Cold numbers.

Ben

God, I hate numbers. I mean there's cultures that don't even have any numbers, and they do just fine!

Kent

I cook these noodles every day.

Jonah

Oh, the noodle analogy. You guys are gonna love this. [Kent glares] I will leave.

Kent

They need to be heated at 800 watts for 3:35. Any more and they'll dry out, any less and they will be flaccid and damp like...a lady's hair in the rain.

Amy

Why are we talking about noodles?

Ben

No, let me rephrase that. Why the fuck are we talking about noodles?

Kent

I'll tell you why. Hostage crisis, noodles, same principle. Both require precision timing, neither should be rushed. Inaction only becomes untenable when more than 65% of Americans support intervention even with casualties.

Amy

So you'd like me to tell the Vice President we do nothing until then?

Kent

Waiting is not doing nothing. I choose to wait for my noodles even though my salivary glands are crying out to me like newly hatched birds. But they will thank me because I waited until... [snaps his fingers at the exact same moment as the microwave dings]

Ben

...You just timed out that whole shit analogy for your little ding? That is fucking pathetic.

Kent

You sail, Mike? Have a boat?

Mike

Uh, yes, sir. An '87 Gulfstar 50.

Kent

Great cruiser.

Mike

Nothing fancy, but she gets the job done. You know, like a cast-iron skillet or Kevin Bacon.

Kent

I've got a Lagoon 380.

Mike

Catamaran?

Kent

Yeah.

Mike

That's real man's sailing. Leaning out in the tack, your big man balls dipping in the salty sea.

Kent

You're right there, my friend, yeah. I have no children and I wish for none, but she's my family.

Kent

We're all on the same team here.

Furlong

Right, team Fuck Up. Yeah, I've got my membership card here, somewhere, I can't find it.

Kent

You need to look at the bigger picture!

Oh, I've seen the bigger picture! It show's POTUS lying to the American people! I'm telling you, this is not just a crisis, this is at least ten years of Oliver Stone movies!

Furlong

Yeah, and not the good ones. Not Platoon.

I mean, what the fuck is wrong with you, Kent?! Seriously, when you pull the pin out, you're supposed to throw the grenade away. You don't stick it up your own fricking ass!

Ben

That I'd like to see.

Kent

Are you familiar with the Eye of Sauron? The fire-rimmed all-seeing eye from Tolkien's Lord of the Rings?

Mike

I think I caught it on a plane once.

Kent

The Eye of Sauron is the near-perfect analogue for the modern media. If we can draw the eye to Helsinki, then it won't be looking at what's going on here.

Mike

And what is exactly going on here?

Kent

I cannot tell you that, Mike.

Mike

Is Selina Gollum?

Sue

Thank you so much for seeing me at such short notice, Mr. Davison.

Kent

Happy to, Miss Wilson. I'm an ardent admirer of your efficiency and precision.

Sue

Oh, well, in that case, let's get right to it.

Kent

Excellent. I respect your brevity. It's almost threatening.

Kent

Ma'am, my brain is at your service.

Selina

We'll see.

Jonah

Sir, please, don't take this away from me. The West Wing is part of my DNA, and vice-versa. Okay, this is a teachable moment, and I think from here on...

Kent

You're embarrassing yourself.

Jonah

Sir, I don't have anything else in my life.

Dan

He really doesn't.

Jonah

See? Exactly. Thank you, Dan...(angrily): Fuck you, Dan!

Kent

That'll be all, Mr. Ryan.

Jonah

Sir, did POTUS okay this?

Kent

Get him out of here!

Kent

Ma'am, child care? Children are of no value. Forget child care.

Selina

Children are vital, Kenny Rogers. We're not all planning to die alone like you.

Selina

I'm taking these people back to dial-up, you know what I mean? They think they're kings of America.

Kent

Well, in a way they are.

Selina

No, they're not!

Kent

Okay, I take your point.

Selina

I know you're walking around here like you're C-3PO with a big brass shiny erection, but I've got news for you, this is kindergarten for cyber-brats. And I'll tell you something else: if you're over 30, check it out. [indicates an elderly cleaner nearby] That's where you're headed my friend, if you work here. I gotta go to the bathroom. Do they have a bathroom here, or do they put their turds up in the cloud?

Kent

Down the hall, to the right.

Selina

I hate this fucking place.

Kent

[on phone] Amy, the emu has landed. Jonah's in London.

Amy

Shit. Maddox must've sent him here to spy or something. Jonah Bond, 00-Fuck-Off.

Kent

People are disturbed by your role—

Ray

Yeah, they think folks that are physical can't be cerebral, they think those two things are separate, that they're not... symbiotic.

Kent

No, no, no. You don't understand.

Ray

No, I do! I do. Look, people think that, you know, the fitness guy, how can he know about politics? I get you, Kent.

Kent

[groans in frustration] Again, I don't think you do. People think Selina's judgement is bad if she listens to people like you, whose beliefs are very stupid.

Ray

Because I am people.

Kent

Oh, you're not getting it.

Ray

You know, the brain is a muscle.

Kent

No, it isn't!

Kent

You really don't get it, so I'm going to keep this very simple: you're fired.

Ray

I get you. Very simple.

Kent

Yes, it is.

Ray

Great. I'm so pleased we had this talk. Let's see where we all are in a month or so.

Kent

[astounded] This is amazing.

Ray

Thank you.