Jonah Ryan quotes from Veep

Jonah

Uh, guys, a man is dead. When a sexual harasser dies, we sign his wife's card. Okay? That's how Washington works.

Jonah

I'm gonna get back to the White House. God, I love saying that!

Jonah

[about Selina's song 50 Ways to Win in Denver] I had to pretend not to like it to Kent while pretending to like it like he was pretending to like it, but he didn't actually like it, and I actually really liked it.

Jonah

Ma'am, of all the places that I have liaised, I have enjoyed liaising here the most.

Jonah

You think you've seen the end of Jonah Ryan? You haven't even seen the start of Jonah Ryan! I'm leaving here with my head held high, and my nuts hanging low on your mom's chin, Martin.

Jonah

Let's check out your chart. Let's see how you're doing, here. Okay. All right. Dan Egan, 67, female. Unemployed campaign manager. Thirty different types of semen pumped from stomach, inverted nipples, abnormally high douche readings—that makes sense. Cancer of the soul, traces of dog excrement found around the corners of mouth. Chronic cretinism, leprosy, anal bleeding. Uh... tiny child balls?

Jonah

Someone has just flown two planes into my career.

Jonah

I fucking hate Kent. I'm gonna wipe that... neutral expression off his face.

Jonah

[reading Selina's book] Are you fucking kidding? I'm not in here! I ruined her administration, like, four times - you'd think that'd count for something!

Jonah

Look, I love America, but it is time to face facts. This is a horrific country that is falling apart because it is full of people who are different than me! I was right, and that means I should be president!

Jonah

Whassup, as they say in the late '90s?

Selina

Hey, Jonah. Did the President cancel the Chinese premier to come to my 20th party?

Jonah

No, ma'am. Although I'm sure he wouldn't miss it for the world if it weren't for the fact that he runs the world. [Selina fakes a laugh] I'm sure his absence has nothing to do with your rift with the first lady.

Selina

What? There is no rift. It was one tiny little disagreement and everyone's making it out like we had a catfight in the map room or something.

Gary

She'd be a rough fighter, though. She's got big shoulders. Those aren't pads.

Jonah

So you're saying that just because I'm not as close to POTUS as you thought I was, that means that we can't hang out anymore?

Dan

What I'm saying, you fucking ape, is that you are a useless waste of fucking carbon. I've been trying to cynically use you, but you're so fucking low-rent, you can't even be exploited. Not to mention the fact any restaurant that serves anything in a fuckload is not a nice restaurant.

Jonah

[to the waiter] Where is the bread in this place, asshole? [to Dan] And you, you upstate New York dickshit-

Dan

Watch it.

Jonah

Yeah, I'll talk about upstate New York. You guys think you're fucking New York, but you're not. And you with your perpetual 5:00 shadow, you're not that great to be around. I don't like you, Dan.

Jonah

[entering the office] White House is in the house. Everybody say way-o!

Selina

[turning away] The skyscraper of shit has arrived.

Jonah

Hi, everybody. [no one says anything] So no apologies?

Amy

For what?

Jonah

Oh, for what? Oh. "Washington Post." Page 17. You've disclosed an email containing birthday gift suggestions for an unnamed White House aide. "Suggestion number one: a cake in the shape of a dick." [people laugh and Mike points to himself] "Suggestion number two: a smart new hat in the shape of a dick."

Dan

Oh, that made it in there!

Jonah

Everybody knows this is me, guys.

You're like Neo.

Dan

Wow.

Selina

What's a Neo?

He's from The Matrix. Everything he does is awesome.

The first movie. The sequels sucked.

Jonah

Guys, we agreed to let The Matrix debate lie.

Dan

Jesus, I can feel my virginity growing back in here.