Dan Egan quotes from Veep

Dan

Take a good look at me, okay? Now ask yourself something, Mike. Is the man you're looking at gonna be in a position a year from now working above you or below you? 'Cause all ambition you had left your body a long time ago and now all you've got left in the last 10 remaining years of your working life is a damp apartment, cold crab cakes, and an invisible fucking dog.

Dan

[regarding Kent Davison] The Pol Pot of pie charts! Wow, that guy is ruthless!

Dan

More apologizing, really? I apologized less after banging my brother’s fiancé.

Dan

Was your mom plagiarizing the Bible when she said, "Oh God, oh God"?

Dan

Look, I love abortion, okay? I am an abortionado. But I would go pro-life in a fetal fucking heartbeat if it meant winning.

Dan

[to a reporter] You're asking a rhetorical question, and the answer's obviously No.

Dan

You know at least three of these kids are probably mine.

Dan

From now on, Jonah, you will shut the fuck up and do exactly as I say. And if you listen to me instead of your only two brain cells that are too busy butt-fucking each other somewhere in the vast expanses of your misshapen skull, then maybe, Jonah, you might have a chance at becoming the first mentally impaired Frankenstein's monster to ever win an American election.

Dan

Those are your pajamas? That's the outfit I picture when I'm trying not to come.

Dan

I haven't slept with a woman over 30 since I was 14... and that was because I needed the grade.

Dan

We gotta get the morbidly obese fuck out of Iowa. I mean, last night, I tried to find one non-chain restaurant to eat at, and Yelp basically told me to go Fuddrucker myself.

Amy

So, Dan, Are you enjoying working for Hallowes?

Dan

Not really. She's middle of the road. She's mediocre, really. Of all the -ocres, she's the mediest.

Gary

[about the coffee machine] Do I add water to this machine? It's like a robot.

Dan

It's a nice bag, Gary.

Amy

You know, he calls that "The Leviathan."

Dan

Ooh, you got the nuclear codes in there, buddy?

Gary

[still about the machine] Is there a pouch or something that I put into this?

Dan

Jesus fucking Christ. All right, look, watch me, autismo. You take the little pod, put the little pod in the fucking hole, shut the fucking lid, hit the fucking button for two fucking seconds. Oh, it's so easy.

Gary

Too quick, I didn't see it.

Dan

Yeah, well, next time pack an espresso machine in your big fuckin' bitch bag.

Hey, did you fire your tweet monkey yet? Because that guy is a weapons-grade retard.

Selina

I know.

I think you might have been hoist by your own retard there.

Dan

[laughs] That's a good one.

Dan

I really admired your primaries campaign.

Selina

Oh, how nice. Thank you very much.

Dan

Two things I would have done differently.

Selina

Two things? Oh, no kidding. What are they?

Dan

I think you spent too much time in New Hampshire. That was in the bag. And the attack ads in Oregon came up four days too soon, made you seem mean before you had to be. But, I mean, hey, you're the old pro here.

Gary

Ooh!

Dan

You're the pro.