Two and a Half Men · Season 1
Hey, we're here for fun, right? Nobody wins or loses.
Oh, come on! Somebody always loses! [stands up] Who are we kidding? It's 8 to 1 out there and everybody here knows it. And-- and you know, I'll tell you another thing! We haven't won a game all season, and I'm putting that in the newsletter! And as God as my witness, there will be a newsletter!
Dad, you're kind of freaking everybody out here.
Forget it, Jake. It's Sherman Oaks.
I want you two and Jake to come to dinner and meet Tommy.
Well...
Jake has this thing...
Got work.
Judith will have Jake.
Don't really want to.
[Evelyn finds out that Charlie previously dated her boyfriend Tommy's daughter, Olivia]
Is there anyone in the 310 area code that you have not mounted?
Come on, we went out a couple of times. She assumed it was an exclusive thing, and when she found out it wasn't, she got a little upset. [waves at Olivia after she stares at him] Anyway, Tommy seems like a real nice guy. I'm-- I'm very happy for you. Good night. [starts to leave]
Charles, you are not going anywhere. This man is very important to me. Now, we are going to have a nice dinner, you are going to be charming, and Tommy will remain oblivious to the fact that you defiled his daughter.
Hey, she wasn't exactly filed when I met her!
Charlie, there is a half-naked woman in our kitchen!
Which half?
Hey, where have you been?
I just had lunch with my mother and my stalker. They spent the afternoon eating off each other's plates and discussing my fear of intimacy.
You do have that, you know. Well, anyway, look, can we talk about this picture Jake drew?
What's to talk about? He's a boy. He saw a woman's ass. He liked it. Thank your lucky stars it wasn't the cable guy's ass and move on!
[Jake enters the kitchen]
Hey, Dad, where's "Can-cun"?
Cancún?
No, it's spelled "Can-cun".
It's in Mexico. Why?
We should go there for Christmas instead of Aunt Betty's.
What are you reading?
Sports Illustrated, but it's mostly ladies in bathing suits.
So what's the deal with your teacher?
Miss Tuttle? She's very strict.
That could work.
Judith [to the class]: OK, everybody, what we're gonna do is put the girls on one side and the boys on the other.
Sure, start splitting them up early. That's your answer for everything, isn't it?
Excuse me?
Uh, would Mrs. Plaintiff please see Mr. Respondent in the hallway?
Hey, what you doing?
Trying to find some plausible connection between my jingles and the Industrial Revolution. What's up?
I just talked to my dad. He said that he and Mom aren't getting back together again.
Yea. [puts the book down] How you doing with that?
I'm not sure. I like that I get to stay here on weekends.
That's cool. I like that, too. But you gotta be sad about your folks though, right?
No, I'm okay.
Jake, it's okay to feel sad, I've been told. And this is a sad thing.
My dad's not sad.
Of course he is. He's just trying to protect you.
From what?
From being sad. [Jake frowns] Yea, I know, it's a vicious circle. But the liquor industry is built on it.
What?
It's not important. All you need to know is that we all feel sad sometimes and it's okay. Understand?
Yea.
[Charlie holds out his fist and Jake bangs his fist against it. Jake gets up and goes through to the next room where Alan is sitting at his desk.]
Hey buddy.
[Jake doesn't say anything but just gives him a big hug.]
It's okay, Dad.
Look Jake, I'm sorry about the Wendy thing, but there's nothing I can do about it. And I want us to be buddies again. I don't want you to hate me anymore.
I don't hate you.
Good.
I'm just very disappointed in you.
Hey, I get enough of that crap from my mother.
It's not that I don't care what you want. It's just that... you're a kid. What you want doesn't matter. [Jake folds his arms in disgust] Wow. I do suck.
I have a kid now.
Oh, God, Charlie, what poor girl did you knock up?
No, no, it's my nephew. He and my brother are living with me now. I'm like, Mr. Family Guy.
Yeah, right, family guy. How's it going with your mom?
What the hell does my mom have to do with family?
Uh, l-- look, I-- I appreciate your-- your feelings for me, but I have to tell you, I-- I really think your-- your daughter deserves a lot of respect. I mean it-- it takes real courage to make changes in your life and not worry about what everybody thinks.
Thank you, Alan.
That's true. The lesbians of my generation were too scared to come out of the closet.
Lenore [Judith's mom]: Does that mean what I think it means?
You haven't told them?
No. I thought it would be more appropriate coming from your mother.
[about Judith] What does she think she's doing? She-- she's straight, she's gay, she's straight again... I mean, place your bets! Where she lands, nobody knows!
Alan, it's no big deal. Women get to experiment with their sexuality. It's only guys who have to make a choice and stick to it.
Where do you get this stuff?
I make it up.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Two and a Half Men pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
