TV show quotes
I've been thinking a lot about how fleeting life is, and that none of us really knows how long we're gonna be here.
Did you find another lump on your pee-pee?
No, Mom, my pee-pee's fine!
I don't know how "worn down to a nub" can be fine, but all right...
[while Charlie imagines his own funeral]
To be completely honest, I didn't know Charlie Harper. But any man who, with his dying breath, would set aside $25,000 and a first-class air ticket so I could deliver his eulogy is aces in my book!
I don't care if I never inherit this house.
Uh, uh... excuse me? You ain't seen this new will, huh?
What new will?
Just in case tragedy strikes, be prepared to clear your crap out of here in 48 hours.
(After realizing he's going to move out when Charlie dies) Son of a bitch!
So you and her [Melissa] are, uh...
Oh, no-no, no, nothing's happened yet. Just a little kissing, and... she could feel my... "enthusiasm".
What, are you Noël Coward? Just say "boner"!
Everything work out at the office?
Uh-huh.
Manage to keep your hands off Really Little Annie Fanny?
Well, not exactly, but, uh, we did keep it above the waist.
Her waist or yours?
Both. And it wasn't easy. I haven't checked, but I'm pretty sure my balls look like two-thirds of the Blue Man Group.
Berta, hide the vacuum cleaner!
For the last time, I use it to get lint off my trousers.
Then why do you call it "Brenda"?
[Charlie and Jake are having dinner at Janine's house]
Listen, buddy, you're gonna have to make yourself scarce. Maybe take a cab home.
You take a cab home. I'm doing great!
How do you figure?
You blind? First base off the top of my head, second base in my ear...
Listen to me, knucklehead, that woman's gotta be ten years older than you.
So? You're like, fifteen years older than her! Step aside, Grandpa.
Shelly [showing Alan her family photo album]: Now this picture here is toward the end of my labor. That's my vagina, and that's Melissa's little head pokin' out of me like a groundhog. Hey, I guess if she'd seen her shadow, I would've had six more weeks of labor, huh?
(Jake gets out of his chair on the deck)
Where are you going?
I'm a 14-year-old boy who just got ear-boob. Where do you think I'm going?
I feel like the universe is playing some horrible practical joke on me.
Wow. I lost $8,000 playing poker, I have no idea where my car is, threw up in my mouth three times, and I'm still having a better night than you are.
I'm gonna have a daughter, Charlie.
OK, OK, first of all, you don't know if it's your kid. All we know is that when Judith and Herb broke up, you nailed Judith. Then when they reconciled, Herb nailed Judith. So the only thing we know for sure is that despite all outward appearances, Judith is a slut.
Unicorns? Oh, Herb, that's just a pony with a strap-on!
Charlie [after Alan and Melissa share a breakfast sausage]: Aw. Nothing says "love" like a little morning pork.
This is so nice. A private, intimate dinner for just the two of us. Oh, my God, you guys! [he and Melissa enter the room for Alan's birthday party but nobody is there] There's nobody here.
I don't understand. I told them to be here an hour ago.
Yeah, well, what are you gonna do? My family are a bunch of thoughtless, selfish buttwipes. [he turns around to see Charlie, Jake, Evelyn, and Berta standing in the doorway]
Surprise.
I want to thank you all for coming to celebrate this wonderful occasion.
I thought it was Alan's birthday.
Alan, darling, you were always the good son. Of course, your brother didn't set the bar very high.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Two and a Half Men pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
