Two and a Half Men quotes

Charlie

What are you doing?

Jake

Playing 'Smoke on the Water'

Charlie

With your tongue?

Jake

Pretty cool, huh?

Charlie

That's not cool, it's disgusting. Alan, get in here! [Alan comes in] Your kid's licking my piano!

Alan

Jake, don't lick your uncle's piano.

Jake

But I'm bored.

Alan

Go read a book.

Jake

I don't wanna read a book.

Charlie

Then go lick a book! [Jake leaves] How long is this whole grounding thing gonna go on for?

Alan

Two weeks.

Charlie

Two weeks?

Alan

Charlie, he stuck his ass out a bus window at the girls' track team.

Charlie

That's what you're grounding him for? When you were his age, you mooned the girls' choir.

Alan

No, uh, when I was his age, you pantsed me in front of the girls' choir.

Charlie

Oh, right. Well, either way, you made the yearbook.

Alan

You know, I have never once seen him [Charlie] eat seedless raspberry jam.

Berta

That's because you've never applied a thin layer to your hindquarters.

Charlie

And just so we're clear, my car is cherry, so if you bang it, ding it, dent it, or even change the ass print in the seat, just keep driving 'til you get to Mexico and bury yourself in the desert.

Alan

I understand your concern, and trust me, I will be very careful.

Charlie

You know, you're taking the fun out of this!

Charlie

What's so interesting over there?

Jake

Nothing.

Charlie

Hey, you know the rule: If there's topless sunbathers, you don't hang out and stare at them. You come get your Uncle Charlie.

Charlie

Did you try calling your daughter?

Jerome

She left her cell phone at the house.

Charlie

Kids, huh? [tries to call Jake on his cell phone] It's ringing.

Yo, bitch, I'm gonna slap you up

Charlie

Oh, that's unfortunate on so many levels.

Evelyn

Why am I not surprised? Did it have to be my red chiffon?

Charlie

Oh, man, I'm sorry.

Jerome

For a placekicker!

Charlie

Ooh, insult to injury.

Jerome

A little tiny dude from Serbia. Not a single vowel in his entire name!

Charlie

Oh, yeah, Grl Zrbnck. That guy could sure split the uprights... in a football manner of speaking.

Charlie

We'll be lucky to leave here [Evelyn's house] with all of our limbs and gonads!

Jake

What's a gonad?

Charlie

You are.

Jake

So it's bad.

Alan

You're not a gonad.

Charlie

Says the other gonad.

Alan

Did you hear? Grandma's sending you to college!

Jake

Now? I haven't finished my soup!

Charlie

Mom, have you thought this through? Look at him! Maybe there should be one child left behind.

Berta

She's [Evelyn] buying Lunkhead a car?

Charlie

And a college education.

Berta

Huh. Well, I guess that makes sense if it's a clown college and the car seats twenty.

Jake

What if I flunk out? Do I have to give the car back?

Evelyn

No, sweetheart, what makes you think you'll flunk out?

Jake

Well, history. Right now there's a 60/60 chance I'm gonna have to repeat the eighth grade.

Evelyn

60/60, huh?

Jake

At least. It could be 70/40.

Evelyn

Well, we can rule out the Ivy League.

Jake

Is that good?

Evelyn

For the Ivy League.

Alan

It became clear to me that I don't like what I'm doing, and now that Mom is taking care of Jake, I can spend my time doing the things that give me joy.

Charlie

So you're gonna masturbate in a kayak?

Jake

You should have seen it, Berta. The paramedics zipped him up in a big plastic bag.

Berta

Is that so?

Jake

It looked like one of those things that delivery guys use to keep pizza hot. I wonder if they got him to the morgue in thirty minutes or less.

Jake

I was trying to research cars, but you wouldn't believe what comes up when you Google "Hummer".

Charlie

Actually, I would.