[Upon hearing of Herb and Judith's marital problems, Alan is smiling evilly]
Alan, you got a little evil on your face.
[Alan rubs his face]
Other side.
S6 E6It's Always Nazi Week
Well, uh, remember that advice you gave me about how to handle Judith?
Oh, gee, Herb, that wasn't so much advice as, you know, social satire.
Well, it worked out great.
Really? She bought that "king of the castle" crap?
No, she kicked my ass out. But the thing is, talking to you and seeing how you live, I'm convinced I'm better off single.
Is that so?
Oh, yeah, I mean, uh, why chew on one chicken wing when you can eat from the whole bucket?
[after seeing Jake's shoe stuck to the coffee table]
We need to get rid of the staple gun.
Staple guns do not staple shoes to coffee tables, Alan. Idiots do.
Judith [sobbing]: How could this happen? How could I blow another marriage?
Oh, sweetie, you can't blame yourself. Although you are the common denominator.
Hey, Charlie, I've got a question for you.
Yeah.
The hotel I'm staying at has pay-per-view adult movies.
Uh-huh.
Whatever happened to pubic hair?
Gone the way of the dodo bird, my friend.
I mean, I can understand it with the ladies, but what's the deal with the fellas? It's like with an ugly house: a little shrubbery helps the curb appeal.
I don't have an answer for you, Herb.
What about you? Do you trim the old hedges?
Yep. They're shaped like Disney characters.
Wait in the car.
Give me the keys.
No!
Then how will I wait in the car?
Wait by the car.
I don't have sunscreen on. I'm very fair skinned.
Then wait under the car.
[treating Jake]
Just keep him away from the staple gun. Also nail guns, glue guns.... pretty much anything with "Gun" in it.
S6 E7Best H.O. Money Can Buy
Alan, you had a perfect night of revenge sex. That's the fourth-best kind of sex you can have!
Fourth? What are the other...never mind, I don't want to know. Charlie, the problem is that, now that Judith and Herb are over, she thinks that we're... [Jake walks by them on the way to the refrigerator] ...back to square one in dealing with the PTA car...nival.
What?
The-the school carnival that we used to, uh, raise money for. [Jake leaves] [softly]: I don't want Jake to know about me and Judith. [Jake walks back to the refrigerator] Ith...cariot. Judith Ithcariot, who thold our Lord for thirty piethes of thilver.
What are you talking about?
Oh, I was just, uh, uh, telling your uncle about this, uh, this great, uh, cartoon. Uh, Daffy Duck and the Greateth Sthory Ever Told.
Sounds lame.
Classic Warner Brothers animation. [chuckling]
TCTV commercial announcer
So when the moment's right and she's ready, you'll be ready, too. Side effects may include nausea, headaches, dry mouth, blurred vision, dizziness, anal leakage, kidney failure, and massive stroke.
She'd better be ready to call an ambulance.
Judith's changed, Charlie. She's...she's a different woman.
Different than the one who threw you out of your house with your nuts in a to-go bag?
That's a little graphic, don't you think?
I'm an artist, Alan. I paint with words.
You're a lush, Charlie. You paint with vomit!
I was afraid of being forty years old and being all by myself, but dying alone has got to be better than being stuck with you.
OK, now you are starting to sound like my mother.
Herb and I are going to have a baby.
Congratulations. Try to keep this one away from the lead paint.
[Herb invites Alan and Charlie to Ladies'Night at the Sand Dollar]
What do you say, Alan? You can get in for half price. Plus, all-you-can-eat popcorn shrimp.
Wow, this just keeps getting better and better, huh? Uh, no, I have other plans.
[unaware that he's going to meet Judith] Oh, got a date?
[sarcastically] Yeah, Alan, you got a date?
No, no. A date? PFFT! Not likely. [fake laugh] [to Charlie] No, I have a meeting with the, about the- about the group. I told you, remember?
[jokingly] No, tell me again.
[to Herb] He's a little pickled. [back to Charlie] Uh, well, if you must know, uh, I-I belong to a book club that I am going to.
Oh, that's right. What book are you reading again?
It-It's a mystery, uh, called, "Why Are You Doing This to Me?"
Oh, yeah. It's by the same guy who wrote "Because It Amuses Me".
Boy, I wouldn't have had you two pegged as readers.
Well, there you go. Good night. [leaves]
[before leaving] Hey, Alan?
[stops] Yeah?
You talk much to Judith?
[scared, but lies] Nope. See you.
Oh, well, if you speak to her, tell her I said hi.
Okay.
And that the time we spent together is very special to me and if she needs anything, uh, just call me.
I'm there.
You know what's a good book? [both Alan and Herb listen to him] "Under the Dining-Room Table", by Richard Gobbler.
[long pause]
But-But, it does not compare to "Wait Till Your Liver Fails" by Hope Udai.
S6 E8Pinocchio's Mouth
"So what's in Culver City?" he asked, knowing the only possible answer.
Can you believe she wants me to schlep all the way over to her place just so we can spend the night together?
Oh, you poor guy. You have to drive forty-five minutes to get laid.
And forty-five minutes to get back. That's ninety minutes behind the wheel for twenty, thirty minutes behind... well, I don't need to draw you a map.
[the morning after Charlie tried to sleep at Chelsea's apartment]
She's got one of those wooden toilet seats. It would have been like sitting on Pinocchio's mouth.
You ever wonder about people who can poop in a gas station? What is wrong with them?
What about porta-potties?
Alan [scoffs]: Those aren't people. Those are animals. I'd rather go in the trunk of my car.
I have.
You've gone in the trunk of your car?
No, yours. [leaves]
That was you?! I convinced myself a coyote had gotten in there.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Two and a Half Men pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.