[Herb invites Alan and Charlie to Ladies'Night at the Sand Dollar]
What do you say, Alan? You can get in for half price. Plus, all-you-can-eat popcorn shrimp.
Wow, this just keeps getting better and better, huh? Uh, no, I have other plans.
[unaware that he's going to meet Judith] Oh, got a date?
Charlie[sarcastically] Yeah, Alan, you got a date?
No, no. A date? PFFT! Not likely. [fake laugh] [to Charlie] No, I have a meeting with the, about the- about the group. I told you, remember?
Charlie
[jokingly] No, tell me again.
[to Herb] He's a little pickled. [back to Charlie] Uh, well, if you must know, uh, I-I belong to a book club that I am going to.
Charlie
Oh, that's right. What book are you reading again?
It-It's a mystery, uh, called, "Why Are You Doing This to Me?"
Charlie
Oh, yeah. It's by the same guy who wrote "Because It Amuses Me".
Boy, I wouldn't have had you two pegged as readers.
Well, there you go. Good night. [leaves]
[before leaving] Hey, Alan?
[scared, but lies] Nope. See you.
Oh, well, if you speak to her, tell her I said hi.
And that the time we spent together is very special to me and if she needs anything, uh, just call me.
Charlie
You know what's a good book? [both Alan and Herb listen to him] "Under the Dining-Room Table", by Richard Gobbler.
[long pause]
But-But, it does not compare to "Wait Till Your Liver Fails" by Hope Udai.
"So what's in Culver City?" he asked, knowing the only possible answer.
Charlie
Can you believe she wants me to schlep all the way over to her place just so we can spend the night together?
Oh, you poor guy. You have to drive forty-five minutes to get laid.
Charlie
And forty-five minutes to get back. That's ninety minutes behind the wheel for twenty, thirty minutes behind... well, I don't need to draw you a map.
[the morning after Charlie tried to sleep at Chelsea's apartment]
Charlie
She's got one of those wooden toilet seats. It would have been like sitting on Pinocchio's mouth.
You ever wonder about people who can poop in a gas station? What is wrong with them?
Charlie
What about porta-potties?
Alan [scoffs]: Those aren't people. Those are animals. I'd rather go in the trunk of my car.
Charlie
I have.
You've gone in the trunk of your car?
Charlie
No, yours. [leaves]
That was you?! I convinced myself a coyote had gotten in there.
[Jake plays 'Smoke on the Water' on Charlie's piano, and then bends down and plays the keys with his tongue. Charlie comes downstairs.]
Charlie
What are you doing?
Playing 'Smoke on the Water'
Charlie
With your tongue?
Charlie
That's not cool, it's disgusting. Alan, get in here! [Alan comes in] Your kid's licking my piano!
Jake, don't lick your uncle's piano.
I don't wanna read a book.
Charlie
Then go lick a book! [Jake leaves] How long is this whole grounding thing gonna go on for?
Charlie
Two weeks?
Charlie, he stuck his ass out a bus window at the girls' track team.
Charlie
That's what you're grounding him for? When you were his age, you mooned the girls' choir.
No, uh, when I was his age, you pantsed me in front of the girls' choir.
Charlie
Oh, right. Well, either way, you made the yearbook.
Charlie
And just so we're clear, my car is cherry, so if you bang it, ding it, dent it, or even change the ass print in the seat, just keep driving 'til you get to Mexico and bury yourself in the desert.
I understand your concern, and trust me, I will be very careful.
Charlie
You know, you're taking the fun out of this!
[Jerome is looking for his daughter]
Charlie
Did you try calling your daughter?
She left her cell phone at the house.
Charlie
Kids, huh? [tries to call Jake on his cell phone] It's ringing.
JSJake's cell phone
Yo, bitch, I'm gonna slap you up
Jerome [sobbing]: And after I blew out my knee, my wife left me.
Charlie
Oh, man, I'm sorry.
Charlie
Ooh, insult to injury.
A little tiny dude from Serbia. Not a single vowel in his entire name!
Charlie
Oh, yeah, Grl Zrbnck. That guy could sure split the uprights... in a football manner of speaking.
Charlie
I've been thinking a lot about how fleeting life is, and that none of us really knows how long we're gonna be here.
Did you find another lump on your pee-pee?
Charlie
No, Mom, my pee-pee's fine!
I don't know how "worn down to a nub" can be fine, but all right...
I don't care if I never inherit this house.
Charlie
Uh, uh... excuse me? You ain't seen this new will, huh?
Charlie
Just in case tragedy strikes, be prepared to clear your crap out of here in 48 hours.
(After realizing he's going to move out when Charlie dies) Son of a bitch!
Two and a Half Men · 811 quotes
