Doctor Thaddeus Venture quotes from The Venture Bros.

That’s it, just like that, easy. Pull back a bit, god, your right on top of me.

Brock

I can’t help it... it’s stiff, doc. Maybe I should lube this thing up before we take it down there.

It’ll be fine. It’s not built for speed, it’s built for deep penetration.

Brock

All right, that’s it. You promise no penetration jokes.

Oh come on, look at that thing! How can I resist? Its practically a monument to my father’s repression.

This is gonna be one of those things, isn't it?

Brock

Uh-huh.

I mean, you get a bunch of short-fused, costumed idiots together in one room like this, and what do you think's gonna happen? Any minute now, stuff's gonna start blowing up, guys'll be throwing each other at other guys.

Brock

Yeah, probably.

You know, when you're not the one in the middle of it all for once, it's actually totally, completely obvious.

Brock

Welcome to my life.

...but it's a melee, you live for that crap!

Brock

I'm your bodyguard, not your brother's. He can put out his own fire.

It’s too bad Col. Gentlemen couldn’t be here to basks in the glory with you. Oh, or did you guys get him killed too?

Dean

Its the ghost of Col. Gentlemen!

Thats for breaking my step-daughter’s heart.

Brock

Hey-hey-hey hey, now!

Don’t you try it Prince Adam, this old panther's still got moves that will make your mullet spin.

Dean

But, you’re suppose to be dead?

Nonsense, I'm a Ox.

Wait, Brock, don’t. We have to go back.

Brock

What?

He’s family and he’s in trouble. He needs us.

Brock

[Laughs] Get the fuck out of here.

Hah-hah. Had you going for a minute there, didn’t I? Huh!

Brock

Yeah.

Had you going.

Brock

Yeah, yeah.

This isn’t an invention, it’s a responsibility. We need to study this, and if we find that it will help mankind move peacefully forward, then we shall share its teachings, because we are not only men of science, we -

We ... are men of hope.

How'd you know what I was gonna say?

Come on! Your dad said that at, like, the end of every episode!

Dean

The doggie made a poo-poo.

Great! Some fucking master race!

Let's see the half-mil.

This relic belonged to my father's father. It has been passed down to the first-born male in my family's line.

[removing the cover to reveal, in a mylar sheath, a Marvel comic book] What? It's a comic. A comic that has a price on it for ten cents.

A comic? That is Marvel #1!

Look, I wasn't born yesterday. There's no way that something featuring Ka-Zar the Great, and twelve pages of jungle adventure is worth half a million bucks.

That's in almost dead mint condition! That is CGC rated at 9.6! It's like a miracle!

Okay, why don't you go sell your magic beans to another superscientist with an illegal cloning facility. I'm done with this crap.

Hold on to this, look it up on the Internet. You will see what I tell you is completely true. And take this. [A small cooler]

What's this—the world's most valuable cooler?

It's cloning material. It's 24's finger. It still has the Blackbeard's diamond treasure ring I got him. You can keep that too, I guess. It's worth two low, low payments of $29.95.

[seeing Hank entering] Alright, get out of here. I don't want to tell my kids about this crap.

[passing Hank]] Sorry about the bad news, Highlander. Looks like you'll never see the Quickening.

Hank

Huh?

[handing Hank the comic book] If you're so excited about worthless garbage, you want this too?

Hank

Yeah, totally! [Takes the comic book out of the sheath, upon which the value and CGC rating begin decreasing] What? What's this crap? Where's Batman?

[Laughs evilly] Time to pay the piper, Venture. Or in minutes my meca-pillar silky issue will destroy the only living proof you've actually had sex. That is, unless you give me $10 million!

What?! Since when do you arch for money?

Yeah, what are you doing?

Honey, how long have we been trying to kill this schmuck, 10, 20 years?

I don’t know, since Marky Mark had a Funky Bunch!

And it never works. You wanna know how to really hurt Venture?

Not really, but as a wife I try to be supportive, so.

We strike him in the pocket book. Ha-ha.

Yeah, speaking of which, how much did those meca-pillars set us back?

I dunno, a couple of mil. Anyway, it’s $10 million Venture. Tick-tock tick-tock.

Look I don’t have that type of cash lying around.

Dean

Daddy! [Meca-pillar gags him]

All right, you can have anything in my lab. Anything you see here, take your pick. Anything except for the positronic accelerator...

I don’t want any of your old crap. This isn't "Antiques Roadshow," dick. Its your money or their lives!

Hank

Yeah, quit being such a skin-flint and pay the piper-man.

Now don’t take sides with your arch-enemy!

Hank

Shut up, you're not the dad of me.

Hank! Don’t you sass your bodyguard.

Hank

He’s not my bodyguard.

Will you accept half for just Dean? You can keep Hank.

Your father doesn’t mean that Hank.

Oh don’t I? Do you know what Mr. Smart-Mouth called me as he stormed out this morning? A "honky!"

[Chuckle] Did you really?

Hank

Yeah.

I’m transmitting you the instruction for the drop-off now, I suggest you follow them. Or your boys will follow the rainbow bridge to Valhalla. [Laughs] That is not as dark as its sounds in my head, is it?

"Well hey there, slugger! Looks like you're gunning for my job!"

Hank

"Did my dad tell you to say that?"

"Uhh no."

Hank

"Then... are you psychic?"

"Hank, leave the man alone. Just because he's black doesn't mean he has the shining."

[behind the bathroom door] I have a list of inappropriate behavior. #1: This! Don't do this!

What's #2?

Nothing! I don't have a #2. I don't even have a list. Get out of the bathroom!

Action Johnny

My dad's lab was like a pharmacological candy store, so I started real young. Next thing I know, I'm blowing lines of voodoo powder off the back of a monkey's paw I bought in Calcutta. Now I'm all out of wishes.

I wasn't even allowed to wear long pants until I left for college. Is it any wonder I didn't lose my virginity until I was over 20?

So dumbass here is so freaked out by the mess, he forgets twenty years of detective training and actually picks up the shotgun with his bare hands. Well, I just instinctively reached out to stop him, of course. And so...that's how both our sets of prints ended up on the murder weapon.

I tried to be good, I just couldn't help myself sometimes. When I see a giant robot I just get so mad, I wanna beat them up! And then I wanna burn them! Sometimes I wanna burn the whole world!

I mean, I can't even get an erection now unless I'm tied to a chair with a time bomb taped to my chest.

Hey, Johnny.

Action Johnny

Hey, Francis. You're in my way, there.

You've been banned, Junkie! Get out before I throw you out!

Hey, you mess with one boy adventurer, you mess with all of us!

I think they were hoping you'd say that...

Action Johnny

(noticing a cold sore on the Bouncer's lip.) Looks like you got a bit of herpey on your lip. You been kissin' your wife's ass? After I put herpey in there?

Action Johnny

Uh, hey, how those balls doin', Rust?

Ugh. Spirit is up and roaming, but Opportunity hasn't come back online yet.