Action Johnny quotes from The Venture Bros.

Action Johnny

How many you have fathers? Show of hands.

Action Johnny

Hey, kid. Why's your hand not up? What, no father? You don't look like Jesus, bro!

My daddy died. While I was sleeping.

Action Johnny

Oh, well you had a father. So now you're fuckin' free, man! C'mon, I wanna see those hands up! *gasp* Wait a minute. Action Johnny's hand isn't up! Does he not have a father? NO!!! Fathers are loving and caring and protective men, and I don't have one of those! But who cares, man? (breaking down) Who cares, who cares, who cares!? Maybe I did kill the dog! Maybe I was the Lizard Man who stole your precious serum! You loved that serum more than you loved me!! (falling to his knees) FATHER!!!! FATHER!!!!!

Brock

I liked him better when he was strung out. Poor bastard.

I think a good way to begin is to tell Rusty a bit about yourselves and your journey to the group.

Me first? Well, I have a bit of an eating disorder...

No!

Lance, wait your turn.

As a superhero sidekick, I led a very active, athletic lifestyle. But when I turned eighteen, and I was, shall we say, "replaced with a newer model," I started putting the weight on. And then I would eat more because I was depressed. (The Doctor prompts him to continue.) And...I have abandonment issues? More?

Tell Rusty your name.

Oh, well, that's a tricky one! The latest development in my caped crusade against Captain Sunshine's lawyers is that I get to keep most of the costume, but I'm no longer allowed to call myself Wonderboy when I appear in public.

Lance...

Our turn? Lance Hale, one half of the world-famous Hale Brothers. Boy detectives. You've heard of us. Anyway, we're here because my allegedly twin brother Dale still hasn't gotten over our father's death.

I can still see his face through the steam of his pooling blood as he lay sputtering on the cold linoleum floor...

(punches Dale in the arm) Punch-buggy depressing! Nobody wants to hear that crap, Dale! Heheh, sorry. We didn't just lose our dad that night. His death remains our only unsolved case ever. We had to quit the business because the shame was just too great.

Action Johnny

Yeah, retiring at thirty on daddy's famous fortune must've been real hard on you...

For your information, Action Junkie, he bequeathed most of it to the local boy detective academy. We hardly got dick because nothing we ever did was good enough!

He did leave us that nice car...

It's totally fuckin' cherry! But that is not the point, Dale, and don't interrupt me again, or I swear to God I will fuck you up...

Action Johnny

My dad's lab was like a pharmacological candy store, so I started real young. Next thing I know, I'm blowing lines of voodoo powder off the back of a monkey's paw I bought in Calcutta. Now I'm all out of wishes.

I wasn't even allowed to wear long pants until I left for college. Is it any wonder I didn't lose my virginity until I was over 20?

So dumbass here is so freaked out by the mess, he forgets twenty years of detective training and actually picks up the shotgun with his bare hands. Well, I just instinctively reached out to stop him, of course. And so...that's how both our sets of prints ended up on the murder weapon.

I tried to be good, I just couldn't help myself sometimes. When I see a giant robot I just get so mad, I wanna beat them up! And then I wanna burn them! Sometimes I wanna burn the whole world!

I mean, I can't even get an erection now unless I'm tied to a chair with a time bomb taped to my chest.

Hey, Johnny.

Action Johnny

Hey, Francis. You're in my way, there.

You've been banned, Junkie! Get out before I throw you out!

Hey, you mess with one boy adventurer, you mess with all of us!

I think they were hoping you'd say that...

Action Johnny

(noticing a cold sore on the Bouncer's lip.) Looks like you got a bit of herpey on your lip. You been kissin' your wife's ass? After I put herpey in there?

Action Johnny

Uh, hey, how those balls doin', Rust?

Ugh. Spirit is up and roaming, but Opportunity hasn't come back online yet.

Action Johnny

Trick or Treat, old man.

Wh-what? Okay. Hold on. I didn't realize it was the 31st already. We have only some old Sourballs and Kraft Caramels.

Action Johnny

Cut the crap, Z!

Ah, if it isn't Action Johnny. To what do I owe this pleasure? Come to steal an old man's medication, again?

Action Johnny

I think you know why we're here.

Big, tough guy when you have your little friends with you, aren't you? Hello again, Rusty.

[Flatly] Dr. Z.

Action Johnny

Why'd you kill him Z? To get to me?

I have no idea what you are talking about, I have not arched you in years. Why would I? You're nothing but a punk!

Action Johnny

You're going to tell me that you didn't send your flunky to murder our therapist with a a Vietnamese two-step Viper?

[Dramatically] BAH! When Dr. Z harasses you, you'll know it! A giant metal crab will tear the roof of your trailer! No less than six suicide assassins would spring from its belly! I would never stoop to striking at you through some civilian proxy. And certainly would not do it with a made up snake!

Would you believe Mrs. Z is actually older than I?

Action Johnny

Hey, just like me and Rust. I’m the older one but he looks like he could be my dad.

That’s because you’ve got more chemical preservatives in you than a Twinkie. And don’t try and tell me that isn’t a weave

...well Daphne I believe she got around quite a bit, but Velma? I always thought she was a...

Action Johnny

Everybody did. But I’ve got a pack of herpes that say otherwise.