Doctor Thaddeus Venture quotes from The Venture Bros.

Action Johnny

Trick or Treat, old man.

Wh-what? Okay. Hold on. I didn't realize it was the 31st already. We have only some old Sourballs and Kraft Caramels.

Action Johnny

Cut the crap, Z!

Ah, if it isn't Action Johnny. To what do I owe this pleasure? Come to steal an old man's medication, again?

Action Johnny

I think you know why we're here.

Big, tough guy when you have your little friends with you, aren't you? Hello again, Rusty.

[Flatly] Dr. Z.

Action Johnny

Why'd you kill him Z? To get to me?

I have no idea what you are talking about, I have not arched you in years. Why would I? You're nothing but a punk!

Action Johnny

You're going to tell me that you didn't send your flunky to murder our therapist with a a Vietnamese two-step Viper?

[Dramatically] BAH! When Dr. Z harasses you, you'll know it! A giant metal crab will tear the roof of your trailer! No less than six suicide assassins would spring from its belly! I would never stoop to striking at you through some civilian proxy. And certainly would not do it with a made up snake!

Would you believe Mrs. Z is actually older than I?

Action Johnny

Hey, just like me and Rust. I’m the older one but he looks like he could be my dad.

That’s because you’ve got more chemical preservatives in you than a Twinkie. And don’t try and tell me that isn’t a weave

...well Daphne I believe she got around quite a bit, but Velma? I always thought she was a...

Action Johnny

Everybody did. But I’ve got a pack of herpes that say otherwise.

Did you push State like I asked you?

I hate to be the one to break this to you, Rust, but your boys are pathetically underprepared for adulthood.

Well, sure, Hank's a bit of a late bloomer, but did you catch Dean's little mustache? Really starting to come in.

Yeah, regardless of the 'stache, neither of them knows a thing about the real world.

What are you talking about? Those kids have been around the globe more times than Gaëtan Dugas.

But the stuff those beds have been teaching them is more dated than Funk & Wagnalls. I mean, what college do you think is gonna accept transcripts from a talking bed anyway? Especially since, if I'm reading this right, Hank didn't graduate.

HANK!

If you were gonna jerk us around like this, then why the hell did you even agree to see us?

Honestly?

That would be a nice change of pace.

Because when my secretary told me a "Dr. Venture" was here to see me, I thought she meant your brother.

Keep to your own dimension from now on.

Fine. I don't even like your dimension, anyway. It's an asshole dimension. How do you like that?

Oh, nice potty mouth in front of the boys! Look, you're the Dean of this dimension, right? Explain to the untalented Mr. Ripley here he can't just waltz into my dimension and try to kill me with a rock and replace me just because I happen to have more hair, more money and a hit play on Broadway!

End of the line, sir. Please remember to take all your personal belongings and be sure to tip your driver. [Chuckle]

What, this is funny to you, I just almost got killed. Get the hell outta my way. I’m gonna miss the overture.

Fucking tourist.

Hank

Are you okay? Dr. O said probably insane now and that you'll never be the same.

Are you kidding? Okay, I'm just turning 16 and having a birthday pool party. My father invites every girl he knows, and I'm not talking about girls my age. No, not Jonas. He invites Playboy Bunnies and models and, I think, actual whores—you know, real prostitutes. So there I am in my giant bathing suit with nervous puberty oozing out of my gigantic pores. Just—just awful. So, the band suddenly stops playing and I hear "and now the man of the hour, Rusty Venture!" All eyes on me, right? Then suddenly, almost predictably, the Action Man shoots my groin with a shrink ray right as that fucking jackass Colonel Gentleman pulls my shorts down.

Hank

Wow. That's like a nightmare.

Oh, no! No! What I went through today was "like a nightmare." What happened when I was 16, that is my life.

[as Dr. Venture makes a call] Oh, man. This is just wrong, Rusty.

Did you have a date to your prom?

I was a boy genius. I was the only 12-year-old at my prom, so my date was my mother.

Mine was worse. My prom date was to have been Miss Linda Lovelace.

Deep Throat Linda Lovelace?

The same. She, of course, by that time was a vocal anti-pornography advocate—thanks, Dad—and sent her friend Andrea Dworkin as her proxy.

Was she hot?

Google "Andrea Dworkin" on an empty stomach one day. [Into phone] Oh, hello? Yes, I'd like six of your finest whores please. Fine, escorts. Yes, I think I'll go for full service. Sure, I'll hold. [To Billy] Anyway, because my dad brought, like, ten Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders as his date, he didn't care that my date was a huge, angry, "way smarter than a 16-year-old me" woman who called me "little half man."

Better than having your mom as your date.

It got worse, no shit. I ended up slow-dancing with H.E.L.P.eR. H.E.L.P.eR. [Into phone] Yes? Oh, lord, no, that's way too expensive. Uh, what about half-service? What about just a good-night kiss? On the lips? Cheek? Just a hug? Okay, four of that, two at half-service. [Billy starts waving at him] Wait. [To Billy] WHAT?!

Just ask them! I'll pay extra.

[groans] Do you have costumes? ...Hawkwoman.

Girl!

Hawk...girl.

[nuzzling an escort] How about I take you to my boudoir and give you a little Rusty Venture?

Alchemist

Whoa! Denied! What was that about?

Boom! Right out of the gate, you ask for a Rusty Venture. That is bold, my friend. Kudos!

What? I had chilled bubbly in my room.

Alchemist

Rust, you do realize that a "rusty venture" is when you take your finger and run it around a guy's asshole while you pull the guy off into his own face.

What?! My name is a sex act?! When did that happen?!

Uh, like, in the 80s, and Al is way off. A rusty venture is when you 69 and fill each other's mouths with cum; then you turn over and blow splooge into each other's cracks.

Good lord! How can that be named after me?! What does that have to do with me?

Oh, don't play coy. Your cartoon was huge in the gay community. We used to throw Rusty Venture parties in the Castro, and we'd all wear little striped tops and tight little shorts.

Alchemist

How could you not know this? Man, you're like a little twinkie Cher. A ginger friggin' Liza Minnelli.

No. I missed this. I don't 69 guys and do that spinning thing.

Alchemist

That's not a Rusty Venture. That's a Snake Venom.

You are misinformed, my darling. [Pulls out cell phone] You want to settle this, maybe make a little wager?

Alchemist

Fine. I'll bet you a Rusty Venture I'm right.

Stop it!

You are on. I'm going to call an authority on both subjects.

[answering his phone while doing a model of the USS Indianapolis on his dog's back] Hello? Oh, sure. I am the one who started that craze in P-Town with Tennessee Williams. It's brilliant. What you do is you take a scuba snorkel and you put your cock in the wee bendy mouth part. Then you snake the other end right up your back address, okay? Then you just grab the middle of the snorkel and you're fuckin' your own ass and pulling off your crank at the self-same time, until you're standin' in your own jacksie! That's a Rusty Venture! [His dog runs off] Mischa! Mischa! Bad girl!

[hanging up] Useless. That was Colonel Gentleman.

Alchemist

And?

And the out-of-touch old windbag just described a Double Frog Man.

Alchemist

Ugh! Give me your phone.

[on other end] You? I told you, when your arch is terminated by a third party, it's not our problem! A what? Well, of course I do! It's when you fist a guy and then open up your hand inside his ass and grab—no, he's laying down. Then whatever you come out with, you rub on his dick.

Wrong! The Rusty Venture is a straight move. Okay, it's when you take a girl out for a huge dinner, but you don't let her go to the can. Then you have anal sex with her and she craps all over your dick; so right when you're about to get off, you take it out and blow shit cum all over her back.

That's a Rusty Venture?

No, that's the Rusty part; the Venture part is when you eat that junk off her back without using your hands.

Are you getting this?

Alchemist

Yeah, I heard it. and you're both wrong. To settle a bet. Yes, with Shore Leave.

You have been chosen because you are the best students in the physics department at your university. You are the best of the best.

I'm majoring in sports medicine!

Okay...you've been chosen because I accepted every application.

Spanakopita!

The Greek spinach pastry?

The Greek festival. Three days of fun in the sun on the most secluded island in Greece - Spanakos! I first discovered it's sultry pleasures as a young boy. You might say I had my first solo adventure there!

Ew! Is that a euphemism?

Get your mind out of the gutter, White.