(Malcolm Tucker vs. Stewart Pearson: The Spin Doctor Showdown!)
Here's the fucking thing. Nobody talks about fucking dodgy donors, okay? Because it makes everybody look bad.
Okay, I'll go with a different angle, then. How do you think it would land with your female voters if they were to find out that Tom Rudd forced his secretary into having an abortion?
That was her own personal choice, and by the way, it wasn't his. (whispers) Over here.
(Malcolm and Stewart walk away from the studio.)
Wow! So him paying for a private clinic, then, was just because he's such a nice man?
He IS a nice man. What about your nice man at Central Planning, eh? The one who got a bit carried away and fucking slapped his kids about a little bit too much? Fucking broke the skin! But he wasn't such a nice man, was he? But I suppose that's just part of your "common sense checklist," yeah. All they need is a good slap and do please remember to leave your fucking rings on!
You go check your facts, Malcolm. That was a domestic accident and nothing more.
Domestic accident, yeah, 'cause he's got fucking hands the size of fucking doors!
Oh, you want to talk about hardmen, Malcolm, yeah? Now I know you've got to be hard to be a chief whip, but really, coke dealing at university?
Oh! Please, please!
Hey, am I right in thinking he's now godfather to one of the PM's kids, yeah?
Listen, you know what I have got at the back of my fucking filing cabinet? I've got a fucking photograph that I've been waiting for a fucking rainy day to show everyone, which is a photograph of your fucking Shadow Chancellor, at one of his fucking parties, dressed up in fucking bra, suspenders, and fucking blackface! What's his defence gonna be, hey, when I email that to the fucking Sun? "Oh, well I am just de Shadow Chancellor"?
Malcolm, he won't have a defense, because you haven't got that picture...
I have!
Because that didn't happen! However, I do have a statement from a rent boy...
Oh, that's very useful for you. You can claim that against your expenses, can't you?
Oh, yeah, funny, very funny.
And you'll get that for free. Is that one of the perks of your fucking job?
No, listen. His statement says...he will swear that one of your prominent back-bench MPs paid him to shit on his chest!
DON'T!
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