“Series 3, Episode 5”
In this episode: Phil Smith (15), Peter Mannion (13), Richard (13), Malcolm Tucker (12), Stewart Pearson (11), Terri Coverley (9), Glenn Cullen (8), Janice (8)
(Terri smiles and waves at Peter.)
Why does the useless one keep staring at me?
Because she's a mentalist and she loves you. You ever crash your car in the mountains, she'll be the one waiting to drag you out. (both chuckle) You've seen Misery?
I'm in the fucking BBC, aren't I?
(Nicola, Terri, Glenn, Phil and Peter are all waiting in the green room. Terri continues to smile and stare at Peter.)
(quietly) The stupid one keeps staring at me; could you block the view, or something?
OK. (Phil sits on the table, between Terri and Peter.)
OK.
(to Terri) Sorry.
Why isn't Emma here to help?
She's dumping Ollie tonight. Result! Probably crying his eyes out right now, like Kate Winslet losing on a scratch card.
Well, that's a nice tan you haven't quite managed to get there, Peter.
Oh yes of course, that's very funny, because of the shitstorm you created about my second holiday. I had to cancel my second holiday. I see what you did there, you should be in stand-up.
Glenn Elton. 'Yes indeed, ladies and gentlemen!'
Sorry about the puffin.
(Malcolm is in his office talking to someone on his cell phone.)
No, I don't give a fuck whose birthday it is, I'm going to enjoy myself here listening to this Murray-Mannion ding-dong on the radio. The fat cat story's breaking, so the opposition are gonna be sweating like Vegas Elvis on a squash court.
(Malcolm's personal assistant, Sam, comes into the office with a box.)
Happy Birthday, Malcolm.
Stop saying that, right? Just you go home. What is this? Don't...Is this my new anal beads?
(Malcolm looks at the box.)
Okay, this has been X-rayed, yeah? I'm not gonna get fucking, a present bomb in the face?
(Malcolm opens the box. It contains a cake which reads 'Happy Birthday C*nt.')
This could be from anybody. (He opens the accompanying card.) Ah, it's from the Prime Minister. This is fucking Tom's idea of a joke, yeah? And he wonders why we don't let him out in public.
(Nicola is discussing what she's going to say about her Fourth Sector Initiative on Richard Bacon's radio show with Terri and Glenn.)
Fourth sector, people power. Inspiring each other out of disadvantage.
And you need to put in the liking words as well, not just the headlines.
I am going to talk in complete sentences.
I think you should rehearse with those headlines.
Okay, how about "I believe in people power. Will you fuck off, Terri?" Is that okay?
(Meanwhile, Peter is discussing what he's going to talk about on the show with Phil.)
"We call it the Common Sense Checklist, Richard. We need to cut red tape. We were talking about that at the Oval the other day, weren't we, Richard?"
(loving it) That's just the sound of wickets falling.
(But then, Phil's cell phone rings.)
Stewart.
(sarcastically) Stewart? Oh, good. I wonder what Mr. Political Correctness Gone Boring wants...
(answering his cell phone) Hi, Stewart.
Look, a little note for Peter, yeah? Tell him to dump the common sense checklist. Yeah, it's an ex-list. The new world order is this: Hit the city hard, yeah? It's "Reverse Gekko." Greed is bad, money is awful. "I Heart Tracy Chapman," yeah?
(Phil leans over to Peter to quietly tell him the bad news...)
(to Peter) He wants you to scrap the common sense checklist and hit the city hard over the bonuses, call them all money-grabbing wankers.
(A BBC employee lets everyone know that Nicola and Peter are on, but Peter still has something to say to Phil.)
Phil. (Peter quietly pulls Phil aside.) Some of my best friends are money-grabbing wankers. And I've got to give a speech to a roomful of them tomorrow at the CBI lunch. I'm not gonna say, "Hello, chums, I've just taken a slash in the soup." So, no, the answer's no.
(As Peter makes his way to the studio, Phil gets back on his cell phone to talk to Stewart.)
Stewart, um, Peter's not going to want to do that.
No, I don't want him to want to do it, Phil. I just want him to do it.
(to Peter) Stewart says it's a JB diktat, you have to do it.
Tell him to stick a goose up his arse.
(Peter Mannion and Nicola Murray are now in the studio with Richard Bacon. Phil, Terri and Glenn are in the control room.)
Coming up shortly, we've got what could be a rather fiery showdown between two political heavyweights. After trading blows in the dailies, it's now time for them to meet face to face. So, it gives me great pleasure to introduce Nicola Murray...
Hello.
(Richard gives Nicola a polite 'please wait' hand gesture.)
...Secretary of State for the Department of Social Affairs and Citizenship. (Richard gives Nicola the 'OK.')
Hello, again. I got it right that time. I managed to come in at the right time.
Hello, and from the shadow cabinet, the right honourable Peter Mannion MP.
Hi, Richard. Good to see you again.
(in the control room) THE MANNIONATOR!
(to Peter) Good to see you again as well. Uh, listen, guys, first of all...
(to Phil) How old are you?
Either of you got any piercings? Any tattoos?
Uh, I've got an appendix scar, does that count?
Classic!
Well, you know how it is. Out with a bunch of pals, got a bit tipsy, rolled into casualty, yeah. Hey, we all got it done.
Yeah! In your face, bitch!
That's very funny. Nicola Murray, any piercings?
Um...Uh, no...
Yes, you do.
No piercings at all, no.
You have got some piercings.
Okay, all right.
Uh, sorry, no piercings at all, no.
(All the while, Glenn is trying to remind Nicola about her pierced ears.)
Um, some people say that my distinguishing feature would be probably my ears, which I'm told are quite small.
Right.
But I do think we have to be a little bit careful about taking too light an approach to culturally sensitive issues, like body piercing or female circumcision...Uh, earrings! Earrings. I've got pierced ears.
Let's leave that there.
(listening to Nicola on the radio) Fuck me, this is like a clown running across a minefield!
(Glenn and Terri are now out of the control room, having an impromptu talk.)
I'm really worried about Nicola. She's behaving like a squirrel trapped in a pedal bin. What I'm asking you to do is have a word with, um, Blondie, that producer. And cut Nicola some slack because she needs all the sympathy she can get.
The problem is, though, Glenn, if you say to a journalist, 'Can you avoid that topic?', that's when they really go for it. I mean, it's like saying to the school bully, 'I'll wet myself if you tickle me'.
(Throughout his show, Richard reads out listeners' texts about piercings.)
'Dear Richard, I don't see the point of piercings. If you were a robot, you wouldn't stick bits of dangling flesh all over yourself, would you?'
'Dear Richard, my friend's daughter got piercings all round her mouth. She looks like she works in a ball bearings factory, and there was an explosion and all the shrapnel got embedded in her face. I don't like it.'
'Dear Richard, I love piercings. They are part of who I am, literally. Tina in Weymouth.'
(Nicola is now talking about her Fourth Sector Initiative.)
What we would be looking for is getting people to inspire each other out of poverty, out of disadvantage.
(somewhat cynically) How can you be inspired out of poverty?
Well, I'm choosing to ignore your rather cynical tone...
I'm not being cynical, Nicola Murray. It's a perfectly legitimate question. How can you be inspired out of poverty?
Okay, you are being cynical, but anyway, we'll park that. Um, one of our initiatives is to designate certain people as fourth sector pathfinders. Now they would be pillars of a normal community.
Are you talking about "have-a-go heroes," for example?
No, we're talking about everyday heroes.
I assume you'd want to avoid Charles Bronson-style vigilantes?
(chuckling) Oh, yes. Yes, we don't, we don't want Charles Bronson. More, more, Charles, uh...Dance.
Okay.
Or Chaplin, yeah?
(Suddenly, Glenn's cell phone goes off in the control room.)
(the show's producer, to Glenn) Out!
Alright!
Is that Nicola's doctor? Probably trying to book a circumcision.
(Glenn goes out of the control room to answer his phone.)
Malcolm?
Are you producing porno now for the visually impaired?
Wh– What?
Because what I'm hearing here, on my radio, is Nicola Murray being roundly fucked. What is this, Bukkake at Bedtime? Just, fu– put Ollie on.
Ollie, erm – Well he's not here, he's at home.
Tell that fucking stick of celery to get his arse out of there, and get down to 5 Live right now. Tell him to inject some energy into Nicola's performance. At the moment, she's coming across like a Nazi float at the fucking Notting Hill Carnival.
It seems to me what I call a "political meringue." Uh...sweet but, uh, lightweight and very little substance.
(Meanwhile, in the control room...)
(clapping) He's like bloody Ustinov, isn't he?
Uh, it's just such an old joke. Can you just please get out?
(to both Phil AND Terri) Yeah. Okay, right. Can you just both fucking get out of the studio now? You and fucking Rupert Brooke, just out!
(Meanwhile, Richard Bacon continues talking to Peter.)
I know exactly what you mean. The other day, the BBC sent me on a Health & Safety away day, where they taught me how to carry a cup of coffee.
(laughing) This, this is exactly what I mean. That makes no sense. That's nonsense, and uh... and we need to say no to the nanny state, uh, "boo" to nanny, and claw back some personal responsibility in the name of common sense.
We need to...Hang on, we need to say boo to nanny?
Yeah, it's just a play on Jools Holland's Hootenanny. (stuttering) I-I, I didn't write it, it's not...
Right.
But, you know...Hey nanny no.
Right.
Oh hello, nice dinner?
Fuck off, Bagpuss.
(Phil spots Emma in the green room. Terri is also in there.)
Hey, that was quick. Did you tell him?
Kind of. He's getting the message.
Look, I couldn't say while you were together, but I really don't know what you saw in him.
You told me all the time how much you hated him. That was one of the main reasons I went out with him so long.
(to Emma) Are you splitting up with Ollie?
Sorry, can you actually hear all right over there? I can pop into the studio and get some microphones so you can get all the details.
No, I can hear fine. Yes, no, I think that's a really good idea. I mean, for your sake. I'd back you up on that.
(pleased) What, I have your backing? Oh, fantastic. Thanks.
Hey, Emma, look, you're clearly overemotional right now. Why don't you go home, you know, drink some mojitos with your girlfriends and talk about shoes? I've got it covered here.
Yeah. Well, actually, Stewart called me in because he wanted me to SatNav Peter out of the dead end you've driven him into. So, perhaps you should piss off and read that Marie Claire you nicked off me.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Thick Of It pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
