(Suddenly, Glenn's cell phone goes off in the control room.)
Janice(the show's producer, to Glenn) Out!
Is that Nicola's doctor? Probably trying to book a circumcision.
(Glenn goes out of the control room to answer his phone.)
Are you producing porno now for the visually impaired?
Because what I'm hearing here, on my radio, is Nicola Murray being roundly fucked. What is this, Bukkake at Bedtime? Just, fu– put Ollie on.
Ollie, erm – Well he's not here, he's at home.
Tell that fucking stick of celery to get his arse out of there, and get down to 5 Live right now. Tell him to inject some energy into Nicola's performance. At the moment, she's coming across like a Nazi float at the fucking Notting Hill Carnival.
It seems to me what I call a "political meringue." Uh...sweet but, uh, lightweight and very little substance.
(Meanwhile, in the control room...)
(clapping) He's like bloody Ustinov, isn't he?
Uh, it's just such an old joke. Can you just please get out?
Janice
(to both Phil AND Terri) Yeah. Okay, right. Can you just both fucking get out of the studio now? You and fucking Rupert Brooke, just out!
(Meanwhile, Richard Bacon continues talking to Peter.)
I know exactly what you mean. The other day, the BBC sent me on a Health & Safety away day, where they taught me how to carry a cup of coffee.
(laughing) This, this is exactly what I mean. That makes no sense. That's nonsense, and uh... and we need to say no to the nanny state, uh, "boo" to nanny, and claw back some personal responsibility in the name of common sense.
We need to...Hang on, we need to say boo to nanny?
Yeah, it's just a play on Jools Holland's Hootenanny. (stuttering) I-I, I didn't write it, it's not...
But, you know...Hey nanny no.
(Richard is taking another call on his show.)
James Henderson, what's your point?
Is that Jim Henderson from Clifton?
(surprised) You two know each other?
We've met. We know each other.
JJames
(talking to Peter on the phone line) We've met! Yes, we have met. I'm surprised to hear you turning on the city boys. Um, you never found the JFU donating huge wodges of cash to your party disgusting.
Well, that's a separate issue...
JJames
(continuing) Even though everyone knows they've got links with sweatshops.
Well, that's quite an extraordinary allegation, very serious.
(still in his office) YES!
That should be looked into, but...
...I don't know the facts.
JJames
I've just told you the facts! Are you calling me a liar?
Janice
I can't believe my ears, did we just break a story that wasn't 'the Ipswich manager just got sacked'?
(Meanwhile, in the green room...)
(to Emma) You tell fucking Man at C&A that I'm dumped before I do, is that it?
(to Phil) What's he talking about?
(to Emma) I thought he knew.
(to Phil) Oh, you fucking twit!
Do you mind keeping it down? Some of us are trying to listen.
I can fill you in: Peter's tearing through her like a Viking at a nunnery.
If he's a Viking, he's King Cnut!
Yes, he's drowning in the party donations. You should listen!
(Phil and Emma are listening on the radio. Ollie's trying to get Emma's attention.)
(to Emma) You can't even fucking look at me!
We're trying to listen here now.
OEOllie & Emma
Shut the fuck up, Phil!
(And now, EVERYBODY'S arguing!)
Janice
(storming into the green room) OK, do you want to shut up? And if you lot don't keep this down, I'm gonna have you all ejected from the building! (points at Terri) You are the worst, my chair still smells of your perfume!
Excuse me! For the record, I have done nothing.
Yes, that will be your epitaph, Terri.
(Nicola and Glenn are celebrating just outside the green room.)
Great! Good! Yes! I'm cooking now.
I'm fucking Delia Smith! I'm cracking eggs, I'm pouring in baking powder, I'm using fucking vanilla extract. It's great!
(Peter is in the green room with Phil, trying to recover from his stumbles on 5 Live.)
That was not good. That was the opposite of good.
How do I counter? Have you heard of JFU?
I didn't actually hear that bit, so I don't know.
You couldn't hear? CHRIST! You're...(Chuckling, looking at Nicola and Glenn outside) Sorry, it's just...
(Peter is now very upset with Phil, to say the least.)
(to Phil) You're here to hear, Phil. Why do you think you're here? You're HERE to HEAR! You're not here for eye candy!
Look, it's not my fault. It was very noisy in here. Ollie and Emma were splitting up at the time, and I couldn't really focus...
Emma? Emma? Why is Emma here?
Stewart sent her down here.
(looking at Phil's trousers) Why have you got wet trousers?
Ollie threw coffee at me.
I'm sorry. I seemed to have wandered into some 1970s Ray Cooney farce. Is the vicar about to come around with Brian Rix and Robin Askwith?
Janice
Right, back in. Headphones on ears, arses on chairs.
Peter Mannion, can you explain, please, why your party spin doctor has arrived entirely announced?
I would say it was an indication of how seriously our party is taking the allegations that we were...
...receiving donations from...
From a sweatshop labour company.
(to Stewart) Ooh! Did you prep him with this shit, yeah?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. The last thing I said to him was go in there and bomb.
(chuckling) Well, it fucking worked. Usually, he comes across like, you know, just another third-rate Donald Sinden. But tonight, he's like a ventriloquist's dummy that's fucking falling to bits.
Yeah, it's really nice to see you without those veins in your temples throbbing.
'Cause you have really got your work cut out with him, haven't you? Look at the hair. You've got to do something. He's like fucking Swiss Toni.
Yeah. Well, this is radio, Malcolm, but it's great to be getting this straight from you. Thanks.
Janice
Look, do you guys have to make so much noise?
(to Janice) I don't know if they told you this on your training day, love, but this is fucking soundproofed, that, they can't hear you. I mean, we're like Ted Moult to them.
Janice
Look, can you please get out?
No. Actually, we -- we are entitled to be in here. That lot, they should all be in here. All the political advisors should be in here.
(Malcolm brings EVERYBODY into the Control Room!)
I just want to add to the party atmosphere. I'm perfectly entitled to this.
(While Malcolm is doing this, Stewart is reading a text message off of Janice's computer screen.)
Gather round, everybody. There is a text here from Tim in Ruislip. This is what Tim's text says: "Nicola is a hypocrite. JFU also donate to the government. In fact, they donate twice as much as they do to the opposition."
(in the studio) Can I just say to the listeners at home, I have no idea what's going on now. We're in a studio, there's another room next door...
(pushing everybody out) We have to get out, right? Okay. Let's get, you know...
(to Malcolm) What do you reckon, Malcolm? It seems like a big issue to me.
It's not. We're going to move on to piercings.
(to Janice) Janice, I'm sure in the interest of balance, you'll want to...
Janice
Right, can you shut up, right? Malcolm's right, I decide what is news.
Janice
And this is fucking news!
Bullshit! Right. See this here? (Malcolm goes to the "Shut Down" button.) You do it and I will press this fucking button.
Janice
Don't fucking threaten me!
Janice
Richard, Tim in Ruislip.
You do that and I will...
(Richard reads the text from "Tim in Ruislip," which turns the whole Murray-Mannion debate on its' head.)
We've just received this text message from Tim in Ruislip...
(smiling) Ooh. She's actually put it through.
And he says, "Nicola is a hypocrite. JFU also donate to the government. In fact, they donate twice as much as they do to the opposition."
(Malcolm is very upset with Janice for sending Tim's text message through to Richard's computer in the studio.)
That's your fucking career over, right, OK, you're fucking dead. And those three little words, 'Tim in Ruislip', are the fucking nails in your coffin, dear. (imitates hammering) Tim. In. Ruislip. Tim in fucking Ruislip. And as for Tim in fucking –
Janice
Yeah, okay, can you stop fucking saying that, please?
– FUCKING, fucking Ruislip, he's fucking dead as well! That fucking texting coward. Give me his number. What's his fucking number? Give me the fucking number of Tim in Ruislip.
Janice
(to her assistant) Erase it. Take it off the screen now.
If you don't give me his fucking number, do you know what I'm gonna have to do? I'm gonna have to fucking go to fucking Ruislip, and fucking snap the thumb and forefinger off of every single person I see, who I think resembles the kind of wanker that would be walking around in this day and fucking age with a name like fucking Tim! How do you think that sounds, huh?
(whispering to Stewart) You and I have to have a word.
(to Janice and her assistant) I think he wants me to step outside.
The Thick Of It · 395 quotes
