What's happened to Terri? She looks like a female impersonator!
Yeah I know, I thought you only got made over like that at a gay undertaker's.Ollie: (re: Nicola's daughter, Ella) She's kicking off at school. Basically, ever since Malcolm made Nicola put her in the fucking comp, she's headed for what Mr. Neil Diamond I believe would have called 'a Sweet Columbine incident'.
Hey, do you know what, I wonder if we'll get to sneak up on Ollie and catch him not working.
Better still, I'd like to see him getting bollocked by Malcolm. (impersonates Malcolm) 'I'm gonna rip out ya bladder and wear it as a bandana!'
I need to know what Glenn Cullen looks like.
Oh, Glenn Cullen, er, fifties, kind of depressed looking; I always think of, like, a bloodhound.
OK, I'll get a picture of Mick Hucknall.
Peter (arriving): Morning, comrades! How goes the revolution?
Our tanks on their lawn at last, fuck-a-doodle-doo!
Talking of which, may I present the DoSAC Implementation Matrix!
Look, this is a very straightforward set of meetings with the senior civil servants. You know, 'Where's the stop-cock? Where can I get a decent cup of coffee? Here's our legislative agenda for the next three years'.
Yeah I know, but Stewart's very keen for us to use a visit to DoSAC as a scouting exercise?
Well I'm very keen to use Stewart's mouth as an ashtray, but it doesn't mean I'd do it.
(explaining the Opposition Drill) When the Opposition are here, you tell them nothing except where the toilets are, but you lie about that. And Terri, keep your tits in.
(receiving an alert on her phone) That's Stewart. I'm just gonna have to show him up.
Great, Mr. Blue Sky; we're not gonna practise fist bumps again, are we?
Phil, if you mention anything out of turn while I'm gone, I will send your mum that picture of you dressed up as Cher, OK? (taps her phone) One button... (leaves)
Celine Dion, karaoke night. It's totally harmless. (checks that Emma has gone) OK, Ollie told Emma that there's a shitstorm brewing about the minister's daughter.
She was only the minister's daughter, but she knew how to take the collection.
Oh, shit, strike that last remark, it's actually a little poem that... gets much worse.
Ah Peter, glad we could hook up. Just wanted to take a couple of turns with you on the ideas carousel, yeah? Think of ways we could turn your team into a little cluster of excellence.
Oh, you mean you wanted to have a chat.Peter: I hate to be a spoilsport, but can we briefly refocus on our visit to DoSAC?
Yeah, who are you meeting?
Got a couple of meetings with two top people, you know, the big swinging dicks.
Yeah, OK, well don't forget the tiny static dicks.
Yeah, we're not allowed to talk to her boyfriend, though.
Oi! Oi! James fucking May! It was you sprayed the private information about the school, wasn't it?! Like Jenson Button shaking up a magnum of piss!
Oh, just listen to yourself! Okay, at first it was private information between you and your boss, then it was private information between you and your girlfriend, then it was private information between your girlfriend and her colleagues!
I mean, I can draw you a diagram if you like! it's like a fucking swine flu pandemic!
I've clearly made an error, which I have to take up with Emma...
... but you shouldn't be fucking using it for political –
This is your fault! It's not my fault! You're like the man who fucked the monkey that gave us AIDS, that's who you are!
(incredulous) I'm like the man who did what? Who "fucked the monkey (laughs) that gave us AIDS"?
That's right: you keep saying "it wasn't me, it wasn't me" and there's monkey shit on your balls, not mine!
(walking in) I love it, I love it - it's the pre-match sparring for the big Super Gayweight Title Fight, eh? (makes boxing motions) Okay, Oliver, wipe away the pre-cum. You've got some work to get on with.
(quietly) Yeah, Malcolm, um...?
The Nicola thing, I think, is getting a bit worse. It looks like her daughter's about to be excluded for bullying.
Yeah, I know, Glenn told me that.
Yeah. The thing is, all we've got to do is, if we try and keep this info very, very closely contained, we'll be all right, yeah?
On you go. (walks up to Phil) Okay, Shitehead Revisited. Did you know that Nicola Murray's daughter is about to be expelled from school for fucking bullying?
(to Malcolm) What are you doing?
(to Ollie) Don't worry. (to Phil) Did you not know that?
Of course you wouldn't know that, 'cause the only people who know that right now are Mrs. Murray, her daughter, Ollie and me, yeah? If this gets into the press, I would know that it came from you.
Clever. (chuckles, trying to hide his nervousness)
(also chuckles, rather deviously) And I would rain down on you so hard, you would have to be reassembled by fucking air crash investigators. (Phil tries to protest) Do not fucking interrupt me, son, ever! Now get this into the noggin, right? You breathe a word of this, to anyone, you mincing fucking CUNT, and I will tear your fucking skin off, I will wear it to your mother's birthday party, and I will rub your nuts up and down her leg whilst whistling Bohemian fucking Rhapsody, right?!
Now...get out of my fucking sight!
Yeah. (wanders off, visibly terrified)
(Discussing Malcolm) His bark's worse than his bite. (Sees Malcolm approaching)
And speaking of rabies injections, here he is!
I didn't know you were still alive. How's the 80's tribute band? Still doing the Robert Palmer lookalikey thing, huh?
Malcolm, you're looking well, for someone twice your age. Any news on the aneurysm?
(Nicola arrives at Malcolm's office)
Hi Nicola, thanks very much for coming over. Can I get you something?
Actually, you haven't got any whisky, have you?
Whisky, yeah. Hasn't been touched for a while; still got Anthony Eden's lipstick on the bottle.
Listen, Nicky, this - it's a war, right? It's a fucking war. Now, you can't change a thing unless you win the war, and you cannot win the war unless you're prepared to fight.
That's what this all about for you, isn't it? It's just about fighting and fucking... power. Does it never occur to you that your poisonous male obsession with conflict, which is making people despise politics? And by the way, don't ever fucking call me Nicky!
Spare me your fucking psycho-fanny, right? What do you think fucking Mannion's doing right now? Michael Aspel's cooler, fucking younger brother? I'll tell you what he's doing. He's sitting around with his pals, you know what they're doing? They're telling very fucking nasty jokes about your family! They're playing fucking pin the cock on the fucking donkey's face with your face there, 'cause you're the fucking donkey, right? So you should just fucking count your blessings! Ella's not been excluded. That's what you wanted, right? Yes?
Yeah, I really wanted Ella to be able to stay at a shit school, the only redeeming feature of which was the headmaster who, thanks to me, has now been forced out.
Yeah, well... maybe... maybe in a term or so, you know, we might understand if you... very quietly decided to move her.
(composing herself) Good. Good. OK, so it's Mannion. What do we do? I mean, do we go after him with one of your, you know, things that you say, like a big bum-dildo of vengeance or something?
There you go, that's my girl, yeah! Indiana Murray and the Bum-Dildo of Vengeance, I like it.(deleted scene)
(arriving at the DoSAC building)
This is mint. It's like the fall of Troy but with visitor's passes instead of a wooden horse.
Peter (quoting Tennyson's Ulysses): 'It may be that the gulfs will wash us down, / It may be we shall touch the Happy Isles / And see the great Achilles, whom we knew.'
Do you fancy a cup of tea?
Er, yes, you got anything herbal?
OK, yeah. (walking off, to herself) Something perfumed and essentially gay. (sees Phil) Oh, speak of the devil. Whoa, you look like you've shat yourself.
I had a close encounter with Malcolm Tucker. (Emma laughs) It's not funny, he's like some horrible character from an Ian Rankin novel.
I don't know. It's a bit of a blur to be honest, I just kind of ran out of the building. I just kept walking, I ended up in Greenwich.
I think I was following the river, I wanted to get to the sea.(deleted scene)
Do you channel all your passions into pie charts, Stewart? I don't even think you're excited about winning. I bet when you orgasm, you just put a little tick on a chart next to your bed.
