(Throughout his show, Richard reads out listeners' texts about piercings.)
Richard'Dear Richard, I don't see the point of piercings. If you were a robot, you wouldn't stick bits of dangling flesh all over yourself, would you?'
Richard
'Dear Richard, my friend's daughter got piercings all round her mouth. She looks like she works in a ball bearings factory, and there was an explosion and all the shrapnel got embedded in her face. I don't like it.'
Richard
'Dear Richard, I love piercings. They are part of who I am, literally. Tina in Weymouth.'
(Peter Mannion and Nicola Murray are now in the studio with Richard Bacon. Phil, Terri and Glenn are in the control room.)
RBRichard Bacon
Coming up shortly, we've got what could be a rather fiery showdown between two political heavyweights. After trading blows in the dailies, it's now time for them to meet face to face. So, it gives me great pleasure to introduce Nicola Murray...
(Richard gives Nicola a polite 'please wait' hand gesture.)
Richard
...Secretary of State for the Department of Social Affairs and Citizenship. (Richard gives Nicola the 'OK.')
Hello, again. I got it right that time. I managed to come in at the right time.
Richard
Hello, and from the shadow cabinet, the right honourable Peter Mannion MP.
Hi, Richard. Good to see you again.
(in the control room) THE MANNIONATOR!
Richard
(to Peter) Good to see you again as well. Uh, listen, guys, first of all...
(to Phil) How old are you?
Richard
Either of you got any piercings? Any tattoos?
Uh, I've got an appendix scar, does that count?
Richard
Classic!
Well, you know how it is. Out with a bunch of pals, got a bit tipsy, rolled into casualty, yeah. Hey, we all got it done.
Yeah! In your face, bitch!
Richard
That's very funny. Nicola Murray, any piercings?
You have got some piercings.
Richard
Okay, all right.
Uh, sorry, no piercings at all, no.
(All the while, Glenn is trying to remind Nicola about her pierced ears.)
Um, some people say that my distinguishing feature would be probably my ears, which I'm told are quite small.
Richard
Right.
But I do think we have to be a little bit careful about taking too light an approach to culturally sensitive issues, like body piercing or female circumcision...Uh, earrings! Earrings. I've got pierced ears.
Richard
Let's leave that there.
(listening to Nicola on the radio) Fuck me, this is like a clown running across a minefield!
(Nicola is now talking about her Fourth Sector Initiative.)
What we would be looking for is getting people to inspire each other out of poverty, out of disadvantage.
Richard
(somewhat cynically) How can you be inspired out of poverty?
Well, I'm choosing to ignore your rather cynical tone...
Richard
I'm not being cynical, Nicola Murray. It's a perfectly legitimate question. How can you be inspired out of poverty?
Okay, you are being cynical, but anyway, we'll park that. Um, one of our initiatives is to designate certain people as fourth sector pathfinders. Now they would be pillars of a normal community.
Richard
Are you talking about "have-a-go heroes," for example?
No, we're talking about everyday heroes.
Richard
I assume you'd want to avoid Charles Bronson-style vigilantes?
(chuckling) Oh, yes. Yes, we don't, we don't want Charles Bronson. More, more, Charles, uh...Dance.
Richard
Okay.
It seems to me what I call a "political meringue." Uh...sweet but, uh, lightweight and very little substance.
(Meanwhile, in the control room...)
(clapping) He's like bloody Ustinov, isn't he?
Uh, it's just such an old joke. Can you just please get out?
(to both Phil AND Terri) Yeah. Okay, right. Can you just both fucking get out of the studio now? You and fucking Rupert Brooke, just out!
(Meanwhile, Richard Bacon continues talking to Peter.)
Richard
I know exactly what you mean. The other day, the BBC sent me on a Health & Safety away day, where they taught me how to carry a cup of coffee.
(laughing) This, this is exactly what I mean. That makes no sense. That's nonsense, and uh... and we need to say no to the nanny state, uh, "boo" to nanny, and claw back some personal responsibility in the name of common sense.
Richard
We need to...Hang on, we need to say boo to nanny?
Yeah, it's just a play on Jools Holland's Hootenanny. (stuttering) I-I, I didn't write it, it's not...
Richard
Right.
But, you know...Hey nanny no.
Richard
Right.
(Nicola is accusing Peter and his party of blocking initiatives that would allow bonuses to the so-called "fat cats.")
...when you yourself where actually in cabinet. We have tried repeatedly to initiate legislation which will outlaw these bonuses. Now, your party has persistently blocked those attempts.
Richard
I think it's an interesting point. What do you say, Peter Mannion, to the accusation that these huge bonuses and the offense that they cause are the fault of your party?
I think that's a completely fatuous argument when Nicola's party has been in government for what seems like about a century, and bonuses under their watch have increased...What? Five fold? Oh, dear! Come on, Nicola. Pull your finger out.
Okay, fine. So you personally would like to see more done to hit the fat cats?
Richard
(to Peter) Is that what you're saying?
(stammering) Well, yes-yes. I...I would. If the person receiving the bonus hasn't performed well...
Richard
Can I, can I simplify that? Let me simplify this. Would you outlaw bonuses?
(still stuttering) In the case of them being undeserved, yes...
Which the bulk of them are, so basically you're saying the bulk of your friends in the city are disgusting.
(confused) No, no, no. Yes, yes, but only if the bonuses they receive are unfair.
Richard
I think, well, I think we've got -- It's alright. I think we've got your point. Uh, thank you. Let's move on.
(Richard is taking another call on his show.)
Richard
James Henderson, what's your point?
Is that Jim Henderson from Clifton?
Richard
(surprised) You two know each other?
We've met. We know each other.
JJames
(talking to Peter on the phone line) We've met! Yes, we have met. I'm surprised to hear you turning on the city boys. Um, you never found the JFU donating huge wodges of cash to your party disgusting.
Well, that's a separate issue...
JJames
(continuing) Even though everyone knows they've got links with sweatshops.
Richard
Wow!
Richard
Well, that's quite an extraordinary allegation, very serious.
(still in his office) YES!
Richard
...links to sweatshops?
That should be looked into, but...
...I don't know the facts.
JJames
I've just told you the facts! Are you calling me a liar?
I can't believe my ears, did we just break a story that wasn't 'the Ipswich manager just got sacked'?
(seeing Stewart enter the control room) How perfect. Who should walk in...
(to Janice) I'm Stewart Pearson, yeah? See the fat man that you're berating like he's a piñata? Well, I own him.
Richard
Peter Mannion, that's a fascinating development –
Peter (seeing Malcolm arrive): Oh! And as we speak, who should come rolling along the corridor but Malcolm Tucker, the man who was once referred to as the Gorbals Goebbels...
Oh, don't do a joke. Peter, don't do a...
Richard
Peter Mannion, can you explain, please, why your party spin doctor has arrived entirely announced?
I would say it was an indication of how seriously our party is taking the allegations that we were...
...receiving donations from...
Richard
From a sweatshop labour company.
(to Stewart) Ooh! Did you prep him with this shit, yeah?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. The last thing I said to him was go in there and bomb.
(chuckling) Well, it fucking worked. Usually, he comes across like, you know, just another third-rate Donald Sinden. But tonight, he's like a ventriloquist's dummy that's fucking falling to bits.
Yeah, it's really nice to see you without those veins in your temples throbbing.
'Cause you have really got your work cut out with him, haven't you? Look at the hair. You've got to do something. He's like fucking Swiss Toni.
Yeah. Well, this is radio, Malcolm, but it's great to be getting this straight from you. Thanks.
Look, do you guys have to make so much noise?
(to Janice) I don't know if they told you this on your training day, love, but this is fucking soundproofed, that, they can't hear you. I mean, we're like Ted Moult to them.
Look, can you please get out?
No. Actually, we -- we are entitled to be in here. That lot, they should all be in here. All the political advisors should be in here.
(Malcolm brings EVERYBODY into the Control Room!)
I just want to add to the party atmosphere. I'm perfectly entitled to this.
(While Malcolm is doing this, Stewart is reading a text message off of Janice's computer screen.)
Gather round, everybody. There is a text here from Tim in Ruislip. This is what Tim's text says: "Nicola is a hypocrite. JFU also donate to the government. In fact, they donate twice as much as they do to the opposition."
Richard
(in the studio) Can I just say to the listeners at home, I have no idea what's going on now. We're in a studio, there's another room next door...
(pushing everybody out) We have to get out, right? Okay. Let's get, you know...
(to Malcolm) What do you reckon, Malcolm? It seems like a big issue to me.
It's not. We're going to move on to piercings.
(to Janice) Janice, I'm sure in the interest of balance, you'll want to...
Right, can you shut up, right? Malcolm's right, I decide what is news.
And this is fucking news!
Bullshit! Right. See this here? (Malcolm goes to the "Shut Down" button.) You do it and I will press this fucking button.
Don't fucking threaten me!
You do that and I will...
(Richard reads the text from "Tim in Ruislip," which turns the whole Murray-Mannion debate on its' head.)
Richard
We've just received this text message from Tim in Ruislip...
(smiling) Ooh. She's actually put it through.
Richard
And he says, "Nicola is a hypocrite. JFU also donate to the government. In fact, they donate twice as much as they do to the opposition."
(Malcolm is very upset with Janice for sending Tim's text message through to Richard's computer in the studio.)
That's your fucking career over, right, OK, you're fucking dead. And those three little words, 'Tim in Ruislip', are the fucking nails in your coffin, dear. (imitates hammering) Tim. In. Ruislip. Tim in fucking Ruislip. And as for Tim in fucking –
Yeah, okay, can you stop fucking saying that, please?
– FUCKING, fucking Ruislip, he's fucking dead as well! That fucking texting coward. Give me his number. What's his fucking number? Give me the fucking number of Tim in Ruislip.
(to her assistant) Erase it. Take it off the screen now.
If you don't give me his fucking number, do you know what I'm gonna have to do? I'm gonna have to fucking go to fucking Ruislip, and fucking snap the thumb and forefinger off of every single person I see, who I think resembles the kind of wanker that would be walking around in this day and fucking age with a name like fucking Tim! How do you think that sounds, huh?
(whispering to Stewart) You and I have to have a word.
(to Janice and her assistant) I think he wants me to step outside.
(Malcolm is bossing everybody around, acting like he's the President of the BBC.)
(to the "Piercings Man") Right. You're on, mate. Come on. Get in there now. I want you in there rattling your fucking jewelry and talking about your fucking Prince Albert. Come on.
(to Piercings Man) He doesn't actually work here.
(to everybody else) Vamoose, you lot! Fucking vamoose! (to Piercings Man) Come on, Johnny fucking Depp. Get in here.
PMPiercings Man
(to Malcolm) Get off!
I'll fucking shove a fucking magnet down your throat and watch your fucking face implode! Get in there!
(The Piercings Man comes into the studio.)
Here he is. Piercings. In you go. Sit down there, son, no problem, go ahead.
Richard
Now, I assume you're here for the piercings debate...
(Malcolm listens to the radio as he leaves in Nicola's car.)
Richard
Andrew in Suffolk writes, 'The body is a temple. Temples aren't made of metal. Case closed.'
(to Nicola's driver) You couldn't turn that to Magic FM, could you mate? Otherwise I'm gonna have to tear my eyelids off and scrunch them up into fucking earplugs.
The Thick Of It · 395 quotes
