Malcolm Tucker quotes from The Thick Of It

Malcolm Tucker

[on his phone, in Cliff Lawton's office] No, he's useless. He's absolutely useless. He is, he's useless, he's as useless as a marzipan dildo. All right. Got to go. Minister's just walked in.

Malcolm

I'm not complacent, Tom. [beat] Yeah, I know we did take a hit over the-the-the focus group thing, but it wasn't a big hit. [beat] Oh yeah? Says who? [beat] Oh, the prime minister told you that, huh? Well, get you. [beat] Look, I can only cook with what I've been given. You know, it's like Ready Steady Cook. You give me Hugh Abbot, I'll give you bangers and mash. But if you give me Gerry from the Home Office, well then, I can raise it to fucking risotto and scallops. Do you know what I mean? [beat] Yeah yeah yeah. Ok, ok. Ok, bye.

Malcolm

"Department of Social Affairs", Department of Fucking Shocking, Shitty, Charlatan, Shits! That's what – [to Ollie] Feet off the furniture, you Oxbridge twat! You're no' on a punt now.

Malcolm

Stats, percentages, international comparison, information! Email them fucking WADS of information! And tell them they'd better get their heads around it before they put pen to paper, or I'll be up their arses like a fucking Biafran ferret, right? COME ON, UNLEASH HELL!

Malcolm

(asked for a line about Julius Nicholson at his 8.30 meeting) 'Julius Nicholson is a hugely respected adviser. He now has a wide-ranging brief, and his blue-sky vision and helicopter thinking will enable this Government to go, in his own phrase, "beyond delivery, and beyond that".' That's the line, OK? And if he does stick his baldy head round your door and comes up with some stupid idea about 'policemen's helmets should be yellow', or 'let's set up a department to count the moon', just treat him like someone with Alzheimer's disease, you know? Just say to him, "Oh, yeah, that's lovely, that's good. We must talk about that later." OK?

Malcolm

(on the phone to Jamie) There is a glacier of shit at DoSAC! I need you over here, with a fucking blowtorch, right now!

Malcolm

What's that, cricket? That's the English equivalent of sport, isn't it? No actual physical contact, just glaring.

Malcolm

(on his cell phone) He’s making Paul Remington a Cabinet Minister. Remtard Remington. I mean the guy is an epic fuck-up. He’s so dense that light bends around him.

Malcolm

Come on people, let’s get going here! I’ve got a to-do list that’s longer than a fucking Leonard Cohen song!

Malcolm

I've got this -- this-this reshuffle going on, the Leamington Spa by-election coming up, I've got more on my plate than a spinster at a wedding. That wasn't a reference to your daughter by the way, Andrew.

Malcolm

Doug Hayes is a massive abortion. Again, not a reference to your daughter. We need somebody to plug this DoSAC hole. Anybody. A fucking mammal with a head.

Malcolm

(on his phone again) Get me, um, Nicola Murray. Yeah. If she says "no", well, I don't know, the only other candidate is my left bollock with a fucking smiley face drawn on it.

Malcolm

(on the phone) Well you know what, Howard, she's not bent, either in the sense of being corrupt or being gay. And by the way, that's an incredibly homophobic headline, you massive poof. (enters Nicola's office) You've got egg on your face, Howard, you over-easy pissbag. (hangs up. To Terri, Ollie and Glenn) Oh hey, Yoko Ono and the two remaining Beatles, piss off.

Malcolm

(on his cell phone) We need to persuade Matt Delaney not to cross the floor. I think we should use the carrot-and-stick approach, yeah. You take a carrot, you stick it up his fucking arse, followed by the stick, followed by an even bigger, rougher carrot.

Malcolm

Yeah, look, I'm sorry, chief. But there's no way that I can spin these health stats. They're fucked. We'll have to put something else in the speech. (beat) Yeah, no, I don't know. Um, well, what about the missus? Can we wheel her out again? Well, she basically has that thing of appearing to be a normal human being. That seems to play well.