(Malcolm and Stewart actually reach a compromise.)
Right, look, this is out of order, okay?
StewartHere's the deal. We both, both make statements saying that our guys in there, they were not in possession of all the facts. Hmm? But we're looking into it.
You'd do that? Hang your own guy out to fucking dry?
Stewart
What? Peter Mannion, MP? Yeah! Old guard? We're not sending him to DoSac to fatten him up. We're putting him out to pasture, Malcolm.
Stewart
We can do that. We can just seal this in. Contain the toxicity. Chernobyl FM.
I mean, you carry on like this and I might not find you utterly fucking contemptible.
Stewart
That's an incentive. I'll get my bag.
(Over at Opposition HQ, however, Malcolm's departure is being celebrated by Peter Mannion and his team.)
Yeah, a really shit era though, isn't it?
(to Phil) Oh, f-- Calm down!
Balrog's dead! I mean, that's it. I mean, they're done. I mean, no one can replace him. It's like when Queen lost Freddie. You know. Certainly not Paul Rodgers.
(Stewart Pearson, however, wants no part of the festivities. He wants everyone to get back to business.)
Stewart
All right, everyone. That's the two seconds of respect due to him. Now get back to your desks and do something, okay? (to a female worker) Not the sofa! Who are you, Lorraine Kelly? Get out here and do something! If you've nothing to do, leave, because you're clearly surplus to requirements!
Stewart
All right now, listen up, my children of a lesser god, you will find a file marked 'Snap Election Drill' on the J drive. And if you don't know how to access the J drive, hand your pass in at reception, go and buy some silver body paint, and pretend to be a robot on the South Bank. Fly my pretties, fly!
(Suddenly, Phil's cell phone rings.)
Stewart! Stewart, The Fucker's downstairs.
Stewart
No, no, no. He's not downstairs, but if he were, I'd know about it, and if I knew about it, I would have vetoed it. Okay?
He is, and he is complete poison.
Ah, The Fucker! (to Stewart) And you thought he was just a myth created to frighten naughty MPs into eating all their truffles and swan.
Stewart
Watch my lips. Cal Richards is not here.
(But Cal Richards IS there...and he's headed their way.)
Stewart
Cal!
Stewart
Hi.
Stewart
Good to see you. I didn't know about this. JB didn't say anything.
Hello, everyone. I just wanted it to be a surprise.
(Cal shakes hands with Peter, Phil and Emma while he's talking to Stewart.)
Stewart
Yeah, why are you...why are you here?
Well, mate, I just thought I'd check in with the intellectual powerhouse of the party. That's all. That's why I'm here.
Stewart
Right. Well, if you want to step in the office, yeah, I'll dismiss the children and we can talk.
No. 'Cause I'm kidding, aren't I? No, because I've come here to tell you that you're fucking sacked.
(thrilled) Halle-bloody-lujah!
(A look of doom comes over Stewart's face...)
Should I escort Stewart from the building, then, Cal?
Philip, Don't be such a fucking turncoat.
Yes, Philip, excellent idea. And while you're there, could you do me another favour, please? Could you find a hostel, go there, and take a fucking overdose of barbiturates?
(Emma chuckles at Cal's request.)
Stewart
Yeah, right. Okay, well, I'm not fired. You can't fire me, Cal, so shall we just cut to the chase? Hmm?
(pretending to talk like a baby) "Aw, you can't fire me, Cal, 'cause you're..." Gotcha! I'm kidding. Of course you're not fired. Look at your face.
Stewart
(smiling, but not amused) Funny.
I'm sensing a change in management styles here from touchy-feely to smashy-testes.
No, okay, joking aside, I'm just an impartial observer. Quite partial, obviously. So, uh, take it away, Captain Mainwaring.
Stewart
(to the crowd) All right, folks, listen up. We have three key targets when we are smart-bombing our beloved PM and they are: The deficit, unemployment, lack of leadership. Get onto the J drive, you'll find key...
(And then suddenly -- Cal EXPLODES!)
FUCK, THAT IS BRILLIANT!! THAT IS INSPIRED! WHAT SAUCE! GET IN! IT'S THE ECONOMY, STEWPOT! Fuck, what I REALLY need to do is to shoot you all in the back of the head! (imitating a gun) FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! But I can't, because it's illegal!
(Then, Cal calms back down again.)
Okay, I'd like a small cappuccino, two extra shots, please. I think we've got a long night ahead of us. (to Stewart) Come on!
Stewart
(to Cal) I'm coming. (to Peter) Better the devil you know, huh?
Stewart
(at Peter's office door) Ah, Peter. I'm expecting great things!
Stewart
Laters, legislators. (leaves)
Peter (looking at Fergus's policy): The only way this policy launch could be worse is if I understood the bloody thing.
Glenn (walking in with a file which he dumps on Phil): Right, I'm gonna put the old tea-cauldron on! Anybody fancy a brew?
(They all ignore him. During Emma's line, he gives up and leaves.)
Peter, risk of sounding like your mum: time for school. You need to get to this meeting.
I hate schoolchildren, they're volatile and stupid and they haven't got the vote. Might as well be talking to fucking geese.
Well, you know the school's only 10 minutes from your house. You could pop round for a late lunch.
Not much of a celebration. "Hello, darling, make me a Cup-a-Soup." Oh, now, I need a thoughtful, very personal present for Tina. Any ideas?
Erm, what about a sexy undergarment?
(disappointed in Phil's suggestion) No.
Perfume. What perfume does she wear?
No idea. Expensive, smells a bit of lemons.
Peter, before you go, I-I do really need a comment, I'm sorry, on this Tickel protest, please.
OK: 'As we enter the third week, I find Mr. Tickle's attention-seeking tent-based twattery even more annoying than weeks one and two.'
Really? Oh then by implication you know what you can say, so say that instead.
(shouting at Fergus on his return to DoSAC) Thanks a fucking bunch, mate! I couldn't have looked more of a twat, unless I'd announced it dressed as a mermaid with scallops on my tits!
Look, I'm angry, too, Peter. I spent a lot of time on that policy that you just raped in a ditch.
Well, it was your stupid idea in the first place.
What are your ideas, Peter? Come on, we'd all love to hear them! A public information film on the best wine to have with fish? A butler on every street corner?
This is a long game, Fergus. And I've been around a lot longer than you, Fergus, and I'll still be here when they rip your name off your door and turn your office back into something useful, like a spare toilet!
(Stewart, from out of nowhere, enters the fight.)
Stewart
BOTH OF YOU DESIST! You have caused me to raise my voice and I do not like it. I reserve this level of anger for when I'm flying Ryanair. Peter's Palace! NOW!
Stewart
(to Peter) Drinking champagne in the middle of the day during a recession. Who do you think you are, P. Diddy?
It was a half-bottle, on my thirtieth anniversary, and I was recycling it; at least give me credit for that!
Stewart
Oh right, no, sorry Peter, yeah, I take it all back. About as strong a defence as 'the fertiliser in my homemade bomb was organic.' What have you got planned for this evening, dancing girls on a yacht?
Stewart
Oh, good, the anniversary present your wife's been dreaming of. (to Fergus) And Fergus, what about you?
Well, I'm launching Silicon Playgrounds, properly this time, tonight at a learning centre.
Stewart
Yeah, something you didn't clear through me. According to Terri Coverley, you announced this before Peter took his daily "gaffe dump." What was the word I used this morning?
Oh, you used a lot of words this morning, it was like a fucking Will Self lecture.
Stewart
What was the word I used?
Stewart
BOOM! So you will go to the learning centre where you will re-explain Silicon Playgrounds with Peter, who will make an abject grovelling apology for being both a digi-tard and an elderly racist!
So first you take the policy away from me for Peter to screw up, then you take salvaging the policy away from me for Peter to screw up! Good, yeah, that's just great!
I'm bored of this! I'm going for a Twix! (leaves)
(Peter, Emma and Stewart are in the car, on the way to Thought Camp...and ALL 3 of them are on their cell phones. Stewart is talking to a Minister, Emma is talking to Phil, and Peter is talking to his wife. )
I was picked up at seven, of course I haven't walked the dog. I barely had time to take myself for a shit.
Phil, I'm sure you're suffering from "Peter Withdrawal" symptoms, but I really, really need you to keep an eye of the Tickel issue.
Stewart
Thought Camp ETA 13 minutes, okay? You're taking the bridge, Kieran.
Okay, well, you can start by not referring to him as Gyppo. Or Gypsy, Phil. It's not, it's not the abbreviation that's the problem.
If he has a thorn in his paw, it must be from when you took him for a walk yesterday.
What do you mean, "You're in charge?" You are not in fucking charge, you doughnut!
Stewart
Of course you're gonna keep me informed, I want the full crunch on all the feeds, as usual. Everything below the equator.
Take him to the dog hospital. (Peter's wife thinks he's being sarcastic.) No, I'm not being sarcastic! There is one!
Try and keep an eye on things, all right?
The number will be in the folder. The folder. What? (Peter sighs as he realizes he has lost the connection.)
(Now, all 3 members of Team Mannion are off their cell phones.)
Where are you taking us, Stewart? This Mind Kampf is in the middle of nowhere.
Stewart
Thought Camp, Peter, and isolation is the mother of renewal. We shall retreat to go forwards.
Terrible signal! Phil sounded like he was phoning in a report on an African coup.
Stewart
Why's he even gone in today?
I put him on Tickel oversight.
Stewart
Oh, the eviction.
Well, cutting the guy ropes on his tent is hardly the Siege of Troy.
Bailiffs thought it would be easier today, quicker or quieter.
Stewart
Yeah, but I want Phil sealed off, right? He makes no statement today, not even off the record.
He wanted to feel useful.
Stewart
Then he should sell his organs.
Stewart
OK people, I'd like to start this session with a question: when is a party not a party?
(quiet laughter)
Emma (quietly, annoyed): Peter!
Stewart
A party is not a party when it is plural. (brings up a slide of a woman on her phone in a crowd) There she is, the party, singular: she thinks like you, she votes like you, she is not you, and yet of course, she is you.
Peter (to himself, sighing): I feel like I've joined the Scientologists.
Stewart
Some of these people want a federal Britain, others don't. And as long as we continue to do nothing, we can call that "consensus."
(to Emma) Why am I the only senior minister here? Is JB punishing me?
Look, Mary Drake's here, Home Office.
(Peter and Emma nod hello to Mary.)
(to Peter) And yes, JB is punishing you.
Stewart
OK, let's McIntyre this: stand up. Let's find out, in fact, chairs to the side, please.
Great, vague prancing about.
MDMary Drake
Isn't that one of the fundamental principles of democracy?
Stewart
(to Peter) Oh, I'm sorry, Peter, you want to share your thoughts?
Hmm? No, we just hoped we were going to do some dancing, er, Stewart. What, Merce Cunningham, something like that?
Stewart
Okay, maybe later you can share it with us. But first of all, let me share something with you. How about this, Silicon Playgrounds, yeah? What caused this slow-motion pile up? Shall we sit down and chew over "hash-tag epic fail?" Or shall we try and get some solutions on their feet? That's it, just put it at the side, Peter.
(Meanwhile, at Thought Camp, Peter is playing a "mind game." He has a Post-It note stuck to his head with a political issue written on it, and he has to guess what it is. He needs Mary Drake's help.)
Would I be comfortable or uncomfortable...
Stewart
Yes or no questions only, please, Peter.
Would I be uncomfortable talking to Andrew Marr about this concept on the television?
Stewart
You're out of questions, Peter.
(Peter finally takes the Post-It note off his head -- and then gets REALLY upset.)
Oh, for fuck's sake! Inclusivity's practically the same as Diversity!
Stewart
No it isn't, Peter.
I could be at home watching the snooker with a bottle of unpronounceable scotch. Can I sit down now? (Peter sits down) I'm sitting down, I don't care.
Stewart
Actually, we can all sit down now. Thanks, Peter. Um, so take a chair 'cause Emma's going to co-steer module four with me. We're gonna do a kind of Top Trumps stats check on the PM's future enemies, yeah? Strengths, weaknesses, blocking moves and take-downs. Em.
Great. Thank you, Stewart.
(to Emma) You've turned into the wrong Mitford sister.
Do you want to have an "ideagasm?"
(very much turned on) Yes, please.
Ask me how we'd initially fund this.
FAFergus & Adam
How would we initially fund this?
A one-off Robin Hood tax. Steal from the fat cats, raise enough seed capital for hundreds of start-up funds for fledgling businesses.
You know what? This could work really well for us. This, this is, yeah.
I mean, let's just talk, uh, figures. What sort of start-up capital are we talking here?
Not very much. I think we're looking at about £2 billion.
Good. Well, um...I mean, obviously, I'd have to ring the Treasury.
And twist a few arms. You know, it'll take a couple of weeks to work up, but we are extremely keen to set that process in motion.
(Stewart and his team are discussing potential new Leaders of the Opposition at Thought Camp.)
Stewart
OK, let's architecturalise this, yeah?
Oh, don't bother. If it's Ben Swain, we all shout Sweaty Swain as he dehydrates himself through PMQs. Holhurst looks like a shepherd dressed up to meet the Queen, and if it's Dan Miller we're fucked.
I should tell you I do also have a meeting with Dan Miller booked in.
(suddenly concerned) What? I would just knock that right on the head. Don't -- don't do it.
Well... (awkward laughter from all 3 people) He's in opposition. We rule.
We're the rulers, we're the governors.
And, you know, in the end...this is so fucking us.
FPFemale party worker
Free apples! [throws ball]
MPMale party worker
Uh, free coffins. [throws ball]
Reduce the deficit with spending cuts.
EEEveryone except Stewart
Yes and ho!
Stewart
Peter, Peter, I want to hear new ideas ricocheting off your synapses like a pinball, not just a two year old slogan.
Okay, Doctor Jazz, let's hear it. [throws ball]
Stewart
We do away with computers.
EEEveryone except Peter
Yes and h-
You idiot! That's fucking mental!
Stewart
No blocking, Peter, only counterpoint. Do away with computers, what do we think? How will it affect us? Good idea? Bad idea?
Good idea for me, I wouldn't get anymore of your fucking emails. [Peter gets up]
Stewart
Try and stay cross-legged if you can, but don't break the circle...
I'm 54, Stewart. My knees are fucked and my patience is snapped. Some of us had to go through this hippie shit the first time around.
Stewart
I'm not talking about trying to sell it to the electorate, Peter. I'm talking about exploring it within the free space of the circle.
Okay, give me the ball. Give me the ball! Give me the ball. (Peter tries to wrestle the ball away from Stewart)
Stewart
No!
Give me... give me the FUCKING ball, Stewart! [grabs the ball] Let's do away with you.
Stewart
What?
Filter's off, Daddy-o! Let it all hang out! Just suppose your free-range no-consequence bullshit was hugely entertaining when we were in opposition and shitting money, but now we're in government and it's all gone a bit J.G. Ballard, it's irrelevant and infantile!
Stewart
Oh, very droll, Peter.
Oh, and maybe the reason you don't mind handing your phone in is that it doesn't ring as much as it used to. Oh, sorry; doesn't ring as much as it used to, yes and ho.Glenn: Want the opinion of an old lag? Mannion will have to go.
Stick to 'policemen are getting younger', Glenn. Peter's going nowhere, and I don't mean that in a Glenn's career kind of way.
I've seen a lot of people resign, and they're always happier afterwards.
You're thinking of lobotomies. Peter resigns over my dead body.
Yes. Yes, that would be the ideal scenario.
(Peter, Emma and Stewart are wondering why they have been called away from the Thought Camp.)
It's probably just Phil, he'll have run out of colouring books or something.
Anything to get out of Stewart's think sphincter.
Stewart
(to the hotel receptionist) Hello, receptionist. Could I have my phone, please?
RReceptionist
Um, your name, sir?
Stewart
It's Stewart.
Stewart
Stewart Pearson.
Peter Mannion. Mine's the old Nokia. Yeah, thank you.
Stewart
Look, mine's the one with Stewart written on it.
(Nobody can get a good reception on the phones...)
I can't get any reception.
RReceptionist
No, you won't round here.
RReceptionist
"No reception at reception," we always say. The best spot, sounds stupid, is the children's play area, top of the slide?
(Peter and Stewart are forced to run over to the playground to get a reception!)
Stewart
God, I hate the country. (to Peter) Get higher, you idiot.
That's it, that's it, I've got something.
Stewart
Download the intel, Peter. Come on, put it on speaker.
No, I've got loads of messages from my wife and from Phil.
(Peter's listening to the messages on his cell phone.)
She's taking the dog to the hospital...
Stewart
Oh, come on.
She's had a long wait...the wound in his paw's gone septic.
Stewart
Oh please, Peter, move on.
Stewart
What?
Stewart
Okay, it's my turn on that signal, Peter, get down.
Wait, I'm listening to the message! I'm listening to the fucking message! Don't --
Stewart
I need to get this signal!
(Peter still doesn't want to slide down the slide.)
Stewart
Stop being so childish!
Stewart
Just get down, Peter.
(Peter slides down the slide.)
Stewart
I've got it! I've got it!
(Emma's come over to the playground.)
Playtime's over. Tickle's dead, okay? Number 10's gone off the hook mental. Stewart, take my phone to call the PM. (Emma gives Stewart her cell phone.)
(to Peter) Right, Phil's meeting us, he's going to bring a shirt, suit and tie. You are not going to arrive looking like the manager of an organic wine bar. (to both Peter and Stewart) Right. Come on, come on, come on! Movement!
(In the car back to DoSAC HQ from Thought Camp, Phil hands Peter a rainbow tie.)
What's that? I'm supposed to be commenting on a suicide, not a fucking camel race!
I thought it would balance out the bad news. You know, yin-yang. Jon Snow does it.
Stewart (on his phone): I want Tickle's movements over the last 24 hours, and I want his complete mental health records since he first sat on a potty.
Do you think you might need one or two computers for that, Stewart?
(on her phone) Yeah, okay, well, we're going to try and dredge up some firefighting strategy. Yeah, yeah. Absolutely. I'll top-load you as soon as we arrive. Yeah, thanks, okay. All right, bye.
(Peter is struggling to put his suit jacket on with his seatbelt on.)
Can I, can I take the seatbelt off?
(to Peter) No, Peter. (Emma then sees Stewart tapping his head nervously.) Stewart, what are you doing?
Stewart
It-It helps with the car sickness.
This is great, isn't it, Stewart? A conference on crisis management that's been scuppered by an actual fucking crisis.
We don't even know why he killed himself yet. I mean, suicide, it's pathetic! At least take some of your enemies with you, that's a noble death.
This is going completely nuts, so many questions being asked!
Stewart
Yes, starting with "Why did Phil bring a tie from the '90s?"
Yeah, don't panic, I brought an alternative. (shows Peter a black tie)
But that's too far the other way!
Stewart
It makes him look guilty.
How can he be guilty? He's got the perfect alibi, he was at boot camp.
Brilliant, let's release that, hey? 'There's no actual blood on his hands and he remembered to wipe the fingerprints off the knife!'
Phil (showing Peter his tie): Look, you can wear my tie, what about mine?
Stewart
(to Phil) God, it amazes me you ever found your way out of your mother's womb!
Stewart
Terri, poppet, can you send me out a cry-mail, 'We give a toss, we're sorry for your loss', yeah? Peter, we might need to relaunch the trousers. And get him a tie, a bland one; Glenn, one of yours, yeah?
(Phil goes to get Glenn's tie)
Er, Peter, I have a bit of news I should probably make you aware of.
Yes I do know, Fergus, a man with an amusing name has died.
Er, no, actually, it's that this morning I, well, I set up a community bank.
You did what? You s– You set up a bank?
Phil (returning with Glenn's tie): I had a moment of weakness and they exploited it, like Hugh Grant.
Yeah, well, we didn't really have much choice 'cause it was all going to piss in a kettle here, so we had to get the economist out of the way.
What are you talking about? What economist?
Well, we were having a preliminary meeting when Phil started to crow, Glenn was having a meltdown, it was getting embarrassing!
You bought a bank out of social embarrassment? I sometimes buy The Big Issue out of social embarrassment, I don't buy a fucking bank!
Peter, this is so fucking us.
Stewart
Yeah, let me just wind back, right? Let's get this straight, just so that I can deal with you two properly: how much is this bank?
FAFergus and Adam
Well, £2 billion.
Stewart
Sweet Tracey Emin!
Alright, don't need to shit yourself about it, because we're not buying it. OK? It's funded by taxes.
Oh great, the triple! I'm a nurse-killer, a banker, and now I'm raising fucking TAXES?
Well, you are meant to be the bad cop, so what's our out?
(Phil drapes Glenn's tie around Peter's neck)
You're giving me an actual noose along with a metaphorical one. TROUSERS!
Sorry, I'm getting the trousers – (interrupted by an alert on his phone) Jesus! What were you guys doing at the hotel? There's a picture of you on a slide, it's been tweeted by a golfer.
(looks at the photo) Oh, f–
Stewart
(receiving Phil's phone) No no no no no no...
It's gonna go big, probably viral. Bigger than Charlie Bit My Finger.
You look like the Shit Family Robinson.
(Stewart suddenly screams and hurls Phil's phone at the wall, narrowly missing Emma)
(Stewart storms off)
Oh, poor Stewart. I think a bit of his brain broke.
My phone broke! I was up to Warlock General in Dragonlance! A year of my life, gone!
Er, Peter, speaking of socially embarrassing situations, what the fuck were you doing being photographed on a slide?
It was the only place we could get a FUCKING SIGNAL!
Two grown men in a playground, that's a pretty 'clear signal'.
Peter, Number 10 have seen the photo. They don't want you to make a statement. So Fergus, looks like you're up. Statement on Tickle in 10 minutes, OK?
I'm gonna go and talk Stewart down.
(Phil tries to hand the pair of trousers to Peter.)
I don't want the fucking trousers!
The Thick Of It · 395 quotes
