(deleted scene)
See, this is the problem with the modern age, the blogosphere, and it is a fear, it's everywhere, we call it the i-Zilla. No one can tame the Beast of Blogmin.
What the fuck are you talking about? Make a deal with these bloggers. Threaten them! It's your fucking job, isn't it?
Malcolm, that is not how the internet works; it's a world-wide, you know, web, that's where that comes from.
Look: I need you to find the incy-wincy fucking spider, take your rolled-up wank mag and fucking squash the fucker, right, can you do that?
Malcolm, I've got a lot on. (Malcolm glares at him) Not a problem. That's a Duggan promise.
(deleted scene)
Ollie (looking out of the window onto the car park): You've got to see this, come here. Glenn is putting on his retrosexual moves.
OllieYeah.
Nicola (looking out of the window): Who is she?
Ollie
I dunno, but she's smashed, if she is a she. I think I can see her madam's apple there.
Maybe they're just talking.
Nicola and Ollie (seeing them kiss): Oh!
Ollie
That's horrific. This is like the worst porn film ever. This is like the porn film where the woman rings for a special adviser to give her an overview of the last five years of social policy and they end up fucking.
(both laugh)
Nicola: The Porn Ultimatum.
Ollie
What's happened to Terri? She looks like a female impersonator!
Yeah I know, I thought you only got made over like that at a gay undertaker's.Ollie: (re: Nicola's daughter, Ella) She's kicking off at school. Basically, ever since Malcolm made Nicola put her in the fucking comp, she's headed for what Mr. Neil Diamond I believe would have called 'a Sweet Columbine incident'.
Hey, do you know what, I wonder if we'll get to sneak up on Ollie and catch him not working.
Better still, I'd like to see him getting bollocked by Malcolm. (impersonates Malcolm) 'I'm gonna rip out ya bladder and wear it as a bandana!'
I need to know what Glenn Cullen looks like.
Oh, Glenn Cullen, er, fifties, kind of depressed looking; I always think of, like, a bloodhound.
OK, I'll get a picture of Mick Hucknall.
Peter (arriving): Morning, comrades! How goes the revolution?
Our tanks on their lawn at last, fuck-a-doodle-doo!
Talking of which, may I present the DoSAC Implementation Matrix!
Look, this is a very straightforward set of meetings with the senior civil servants. You know, 'Where's the stop-cock? Where can I get a decent cup of coffee? Here's our legislative agenda for the next three years'.
Yeah I know, but Stewart's very keen for us to use a visit to DoSAC as a scouting exercise?
Well I'm very keen to use Stewart's mouth as an ashtray, but it doesn't mean I'd do it.
Ollie
Oi! Oi! James fucking May! It was you sprayed the private information about the school, wasn't it?! Like Jenson Button shaking up a magnum of piss!
Oh, just listen to yourself! Okay, at first it was private information between you and your boss, then it was private information between you and your girlfriend, then it was private information between your girlfriend and her colleagues!
Ollie
Yeah?
I mean, I can draw you a diagram if you like! it's like a fucking swine flu pandemic!
Ollie
I've clearly made an error, which I have to take up with Emma...
Ollie
... but you shouldn't be fucking using it for political –
This is your fault! It's not my fault! You're like the man who fucked the monkey that gave us AIDS, that's who you are!
Ollie
(incredulous) I'm like the man who did what? Who "fucked the monkey (laughs) that gave us AIDS"?
That's right: you keep saying "it wasn't me, it wasn't me" and there's monkey shit on your balls, not mine!
(walking in) I love it, I love it - it's the pre-match sparring for the big Super Gayweight Title Fight, eh? (makes boxing motions) Okay, Oliver, wipe away the pre-cum. You've got some work to get on with.
Ollie
(quietly) Yeah, Malcolm, um...?
Ollie
The Nicola thing, I think, is getting a bit worse. It looks like her daughter's about to be excluded for bullying.
Yeah, I know, Glenn told me that.
Ollie
What? When did –?
Yeah. The thing is, all we've got to do is, if we try and keep this info very, very closely contained, we'll be all right, yeah?
Ollie
Okay.
Ollie
Okay.
On you go. (walks up to Phil) Okay, Shitehead Revisited. Did you know that Nicola Murray's daughter is about to be expelled from school for fucking bullying?
Ollie
(to Malcolm) What are you doing?
(to Ollie) Don't worry. (to Phil) Did you not know that?
Of course you wouldn't know that, 'cause the only people who know that right now are Mrs. Murray, her daughter, Ollie and me, yeah? If this gets into the press, I would know that it came from you.
Clever. (chuckles, trying to hide his nervousness)
(also chuckles, rather deviously) And I would rain down on you so hard, you would have to be reassembled by fucking air crash investigators. (Phil tries to protest) Do not fucking interrupt me, son, ever! Now get this into the noggin, right? You breathe a word of this, to anyone, you mincing fucking CUNT, and I will tear your fucking skin off, I will wear it to your mother's birthday party, and I will rub your nuts up and down her leg whilst whistling Bohemian fucking Rhapsody, right?!
Now...get out of my fucking sight!
Yeah. (wanders off, visibly terrified)
(Ollie arrives at the BBC Building.)
Ollie
Many thanks, Glenn.
Ollie
For getting me in on my special night off. Emma was furious when I said I was coming in here, she was moaning, she was screaming, and then I said I was coming in here. Do you see what I did?
(smiling mockingly) I see.
Ollie
It was a joke about my sexual prowess.
(But then, Ollie sees Emma.)
Ollie
What the fuck are you doing here?
Oh, I'm having an affair with Richard Bacon. I'm incredibly aroused by men with meat in their surname.
Ollie
You. You told me...I cooked a lovely meal...
Ordered. And it wasn't lovely.
Ollie
What the fuck's going on?
(Emma's cell phone rings.)
Sorry, I've got to take this. I'll talk to you later.
(to Ollie) So! She DID come! She came into work! Do you see what I did there?
Ollie
Fuck off, Glenn.
(Phil enters the green room.)
Ollie
Right, if you speak to me, I will pour hot coffee on your balls.
Hey, guy, I don't want to fight. I want to clear the air, actually. We're like those two little old people in the weathercock: you come out, I'm in there, and we're swapping round.
Ollie
You're Mr. Sunshine, are you?
Ollie
You're a little wooden twat, in a little wooden house.
Come on, there's no need – we can be friends! I'm thinking two enemies, they come together when they realise it is no more. Aragorn and Boromir! Me: Aragorn, the true king. You: Boromir. Your horn is broken, and will be blown no more.
Ollie
This inability to talk without using Lord of the Rings metaphors is one of the very many reasons that we could never be friends.
Okay. By the way, you'll be getting a bill. That's OK, though, I presume you're expecting that.
Ollie
(sighing) Okay, I'll bite. Why will I be getting a bill, Phil?
Ah, let me see, partial rent, electricity, gas, internet use, toilet paper...Kept a note every time you were round at the flat.
Ollie
You're moving out? Oh, that's a shame. I'll miss doing that secret and bad thing I did with your roll-on deodorant.
I'm not moving out. I'm just guessing that seeing how Emma's dumped you, you won't be coming round much any more.
Ollie
What?
Oh, let me just savor this moment. Thank you, God. She hasn't told you, has she?
Ollie
No, what?
She's dumped you. She did it tonight.
Ollie
No, no. She didn't do it tonight.
Let me get a little photo of this moment. Hey, new desktop picture here: Ollie being dumped!
(Ollie doesn't appreciate being told of this bit of news by Phil.)
Ollie
Why would she tell you first, dickwad?
I've no idea, she told me to get out of the flat tonight so she could dump you. Anyway, in the words of Shakespears Sister, (sings in falsetto) 'You're History'! (Ollie throws his coffee at Phil's groin) Ah, f– It's a dark suit and it's only lukewarm, I still win!
(Meanwhile, in the green room...)
Ollie
(to Emma) You tell fucking Man at C&A that I'm dumped before I do, is that it?
(to Phil) What's he talking about?
(to Emma) I thought he knew.
(to Phil) Oh, you fucking twit!
Do you mind keeping it down? Some of us are trying to listen.
I can fill you in: Peter's tearing through her like a Viking at a nunnery.
If he's a Viking, he's King Cnut!
Yes, he's drowning in the party donations. You should listen!
(Phil and Emma are listening on the radio. Ollie's trying to get Emma's attention.)
Ollie
(to Emma) You can't even fucking look at me!
We're trying to listen here now.
OEOllie & Emma
Shut the fuck up, Phil!
(And now, EVERYBODY'S arguing!)
(storming into the green room) OK, do you want to shut up? And if you lot don't keep this down, I'm gonna have you all ejected from the building! (points at Terri) You are the worst, my chair still smells of your perfume!
Excuse me! For the record, I have done nothing.
Yes, that will be your epitaph, Terri.
(Meanwhile, Ollie and Emma are arguing in the hallway...and Terri's sitting just inches away from them.)
Ollie, we just, we don't make any time for each other any more.
Ollie
We're busy people. We work really, really hard. We work harder than Fat Pat's arteries. Of course we...
Did you used to make time for each other? I mean, I think that's the crucial question.
Ollie
Okay, just for a second, Aunt Terri, fuck off!
Ollie
Pretend you've got to go and have a shit or something.
(to Emma) You're going to be a lot better off without him.
What do you mean I'm going to be...
Ollie
You're not going to be better off...
(to Ollie) Sorry, have you...Do you talk about me at work?
Ollie
Oh, fuck this! This is like that nightmare I had about being on Loose Women.
(After Ollie walks away from the argument, however, he sees Glenn and Phil talking in the corner.)
(to Phil) ...that one at all. I mean, everyone knows that Schumacher is Stig.
I think that was just publicity, just to keep it going.
Ollie
(to himself) Right. I'll go back to Loose Women.
(still talking to Glenn) Friend of mine thinks it's actually May, Hammond and Clarkson, purely 'cause Stig is an anagram of "gits."
(Ollie is forced to go back to Emma and Terri's corner.)
I just don't think he should be talking about me at all, let alone things that are totally private.
No, I agree, I absolutely – (sees that Ollie has returned) Then the bank bonuses are very high, aren't they?
Ollie
I know you've been talking about me, Terri, because I've got this weird Derren Brown thing going on where I can see and hear things, Terri.
So, Ollie, what exactly have you been saying to them in the office about me?
Ollie
I've been saying, er, you smell of fennel, you're racist –
Ollie
– you torture horses, and you're in The Bangles, that's what I've been saying about you at work.
See, I think you've been sexually bragging.
Ollie
Well, don't flatter yourself.
(Stewart has finally entered the room.)
(to Emma) Emma, I didn't send you here so you could chat about your sex life. I sent you here to back-block Peter's narrative, hmm? (Stewart then points to the Piercings Man.) And what's happened to Phil? I mean, don't get me wrong, I like him, but I'm not seeing him in man-made fibers.
He's just drying his...He's drying his trousers.
(Stewart's in quiet disbelief...)
(This is the opening scene of this episode.)
Morning, Ollie. How's your head? Like a bat shat in it at all?
Ollie
No, I am, if anything, Glenn, I am hung-under. First DoSAC party under the new regime, you lasted 'til, I'd say, seven?
Yeah, well, I do have a life, Ollie.
Ollie
Yes, but only in the way that, you know, jellyfish or athlete's foot have a life. What was it last night, then? Candlelit annivorcery dinner for one?
(Terri enters the scene carrying a large plant.)
Ollie
Hello. (Ollie's curious...) Terri, what actually are you up to? Are you still drunk?
No, I had to get in early anyway, because this BBC man's coming.
(Ollie notices that Terri's wearing trainers!)
Ollie
Are you wearing trainers? You ARE wearing trainers!
Ollie
(laughing) If Signal toothpaste made trainers, that's what they'd look like.
Well, I don't see there's any...
Ollie
(pointing at Terri's trainers) This-This color for healthy breath...
(Nicola enters the scene, and she's...a little hungover.)
(Terri helps Nicola by taking her suitcase.)
Would you like me to take your coffee?
Oh, no. I'm clinging on to that for dear life, I tell you.
Well, it will dehydrate you.
Ollie
Mojito Murray, they now call her. You know, they had to install speed bumps at the bar. She's like Gazza at Euro '96.
(Ollie mimics somebody getting drunk.)
I really love the division of labour in this place. I like the way the women do the heavy lifting and the men do the heavy sarcasm.
(to Nicola) Would you like some help with your makeup?
(The conversation shifts to Nicola's upcoming interview, regarding the launch of her Fourth Sector Initiative.)
So this interview, who's coming?
Okay. Who? Nick Robinson?
Not Nick. He's away with the PM on the World Tour. No, it's um, it's Gavin.
Who the hell is Gavin Boyes?
Well, he's up and coming.
Ollie
In what? Gay porn?
I'm launching the Fourth Sector Initiative. It's the centerpiece of my political career. I don't want to do it with some fucking Newsround press packer.
(looking at his computer) It says here on Google that Gavin Boyes is the state wrestling champion for West Virginia.
(to Terri) The launch tonight, Terri, how many journos have we got coming?
We've got confirmed four.
NONicola, Ollie & Glenn
(in disbelief) FOUR?
This is not something that we are ashamed of! We're not launching a new leper colony!
Okay, no problem. I'm just gonna go down and collect Gavin and his boys...
(While Nicola is conducting an interview with a BBC reporter regarding Nicola's launch of her Fourth Sector Initiative, Glenn and Ollie are discussing the Prime Minister's world tour.)
Ollie
So why is the PM doing this world tour thing? What's the point of that? I mean, he's not easy on the world stage, is he? He walks like his dick's made of glass, you know? Is it a Malc plan?
Could be? Or, you know, Steve Fleming's back, it could be him.
Ollie
Well, if he's back, it really is the end, isn't it? What are you gonna do when the shit goes down, then?
Oh, plenty of options, Ollie.
Ollie
You could be a Beefeater. Do you want to be a Beefeater?
Don't you worry about me, Ollie. I've got contacts.
Ollie
What do you mean, "Don't worry about me"? Are you big in Japan or something?
(Glenn gives Ollie a wide, sly smile.)
Ollie
What? What's that smile for? Do you need winding?
(And then, Glenn shares a BIG surprise with Ollie.)
I'm going to stand in the election.
Ollie
(surprised indeed) Are you...Are you serious?
I should hear later today whether or not I've got enough support for the Ilford East long list.
Ollie
Fucking hell. You on a massive poster. What's your slogan going to be? "He's old and sullen, vote for Cullen." How about that?
Actually...I'm pretty excited about this.
Ollie
Sort of hard to take on board. It's like being told your dad's gay or something. (Glenn laughs while Ollie continues) I am strangely really proud of you.
(to Nicola) Right, um, the BBC have put it on the website. You saying that the PM's the best man for the job.
Yeah, and they're saying that you fired the starter pistol on a new leadership bid.
Ollie
(watching a video on a computer) I've got it on here.
(Sure enough, a video of Nicola's interview with Gavin Boyes is playing on the BBC website.)
(on the video) I mean, yes. Absolutely. At some point, I would love there to be a female leader. But I believe that the current Prime Minister is absolutely the best man for the job.
(to Terri) No! I said "person" and you went "huh" over it!
(to Nicola) It wasn't on a microphone...
(again to Nicola) It is fucking bad. (to Terri) Terri. get on to the BBC, fucking nuke them. Nuke them and rebuke them.
Terri; Yep, got it.
Malcolm, maybe we're making matters worse. We're making them think we've got a live one. I just think we're overreacting.
No no no no no. We nip this in the fucking knackers now, okay?
(smiling) It's been, uh, a wonderful experience here. I think I'll leave you all to it. My work here is done.
(to Ben) Whoa whoa whoa whoa no no no no. You're staying here, mate.
(objecting) I'm not staying here. You haven't even got biscuits here.
You stay here, right? The situation's fucking febrile.
(Ben is puzzled by the word "febrile.")
You don't fucking know what febrile means.
No you don't. It-It means there are gonna be hysterical journalists, right? Watching every fucking move we make. So I want you unplugged from the mains until the danger's past.
(calling out from Nicola's office) Right, there's-there's a few journalists out there already.
(to Ben) See? See, there you are. It's a fucking feeding frenzy.
Yeah? Well, not in here, it's not.
(again to Ben) Don't panic, Orca. We'll get sandwiches, okay? (to Ollie) How many are there there?
Ollie
Eight.
Right. Eight constitutes a lockdown.
(And so, Malcolm leaves Nicola's office to lock DoSAC down.)
Right, people, listen up! It's a fucking lockdown! Right now!
Oh, come off it! We're not in a prison drama, are we?
(to Nicola) We are in a prison drama and this is the fucking Shawshank Redemption, right? But with more tunnelling through shit and no fucking redemption. (back to the crowd) Right, people, nobody move, right? Nobody move, nobody gets fucking truncheoned in the face. This is a lockdown, right? What that means is this office is now an isolation unit. Do not use the phones. No fucking emails. (to Glenn, who's still on his cell phone) No phones, Glenn. Come on.
(ending his phone call) I-I've got to go. Bye.
It's like wet play, isn't it?
Ollie
Hah!
(playing chess over the phone, with a miniature chessboard) Queen to knight 4.
I never had you down as a chess man, Glenn, I thought you might be more the kind to play Ludo or something.
Oh what, can you not multitask, Deep Beige? (He and Ollie laugh)
What, check? Oh, fuck you!
Well, you know, politics is like a game of chess, Glenn, insofar as you're shit at both of them.
Malcolm (answering his mobile): Nicola Murray is not going to make a leadership announcement this evening. Permission to speak frankly and off the record, yeah? She's an idiot. I know that she's in the Cabinet, but look, that's like being disabled at a football match, yeah? I mean, she's very close to the action, but hardly likely to score a goal. That – No! That – How is that offensive? That is a very fair and accurate portrayal of just how fucking retarded she is.
How fucking dare you? Have you any idea of the amount of pressure that has been exerted on my skull, huh? It feels like my brain has been fucking emptied into little packets, into fucking crisp packets. Cheese and onion fucking crisp packets, that contain my living, breathing, fucking brain!
Malcolm, I'm really sorry, I –
And these crisp packets – cheese and onion, smoky bacon – they've been stomped on. They've been fucking stomped on! By Ben, fucking Nicola –
I didn't mean to be horrid –
(long silence)
No, I'm over it, okay? Don't you apologise, don't you fucking apologise, you don't need to apologise. I love this place. I do! I mean, fucking compared to Number 10, this place, this place is fucking tranquil, yeah? Over there, 300 yards down the road, I mean it's like a fucking cancer ward: I mean, there are people in there, they're fucking screaming at each other. They're screaming, 'You gave me this fucking disease. You gave me this fucking disease!' And every corner that I turn, there's another threat, Terri: hacks! Hacks, fucking vampire hacks! And they're slaughtering us, Terri, THEY ARE FUCKING SLAUGHTERING US, AND THEY WANT MY FACE FOR A FLANNEL!
And you know what? I used to be the fucking pharaoh, Terri, I used to be the fucking pharaoh! Now I'm fucking floundering in a fucking Nile of shit! But I am gonna fashion a paddle out of that shit. Yeah?
I'm not going down. I am not going down. Yeah?
How are you feeling about things?
Well, you know, I'm just trying to do my best and, you know, make sure I can still get home by six o'clock. Do you want a huggle?
No, I think – That's nice of you, I really appreciate it. Terri, it's been nice to have a chat, but I've gotta get on.
Yeah. Let's get back on track.
(both leave the room)
Funny to use that phrase.
All righty-o, okay, Nicola, let's see you in your office, please.
Ollie
What did he say?
Dunno, it was all about ancient Egypt.
Ollie
Ancient Egypt?
(Nicola's Fourth Sector Initiative launch speech has bombed...and that's not the only thing that's bombed)
Uh, sorry I missed it. Did it go well?
Well, uh, more good news. Um...I'm afraid my chances of becoming an MP have been torpedoed...by the U-boat that was you. The selection committee decided that my association with you was too divisive.
Ollie
The dream is over, eh?
I'm devastated. I had 500 quid on you being the new Foreign Secretary.
Ollie
Uh, it's a great loss to regional politics, for sure.
(to Nicola) By flying so close to your bright Sun like Icarus, I have crashed to the Earth and died.
The Thick Of It · 395 quotes
