(Glenn, Ollie and Terri are watching Malcolm's conversation with Nicola outside the office...wondering if Nicola will keep any of them on.)
Malcolm must be hating this. All these bright, fresh, new ministers to blood in and to plan a by-election.
Ollie(to Glenn) If it's any consolation to you, a little bit of you will always be in this department, because she's nabbed your chair. Hasn't she? She's got your chair, and, in fact, your dandruff.
Ha ha ha. If I go, that chair is coming with me.
Ollie
You know those old men you see who go to the park to read the paper? That'll be you. You could go in your chair. They'd make you King of All the Tramps.
(deleted scene)
Because if you are worried about Malcolm, well, you know, Ollie and I have amassed one or two tips, how to deal with him, over the years. It's pretty much common sense, really: don't drive a gas guzzler, don't sign up for Bupa, don't have an affair. Don't tell racist jokes, however ironic.
Don't send your children to independent schools.
Ollie
Don't dig up Diana and have Patrick Moore play Nazi drinking songs on her ribs.
(deleted scene)
Ollie
Yeah I suppose so, he's gonna have to let her go free-range for a week, isn't he? Till after the by-election. Then he can snap her beak off, cram her into the battery cage;
'I'm not really good with cages', (impersonates Malcolm) 'Get in there Nicola, fucking get in till you're perfectly square, and you're shiteing cuboid eggs!'
(sighing) Thank God I'm safe. I'm glued to this department and you'd have to steam me off.
Yeah. Well you don't have to worry about me: You don't hang around in this business as long as I have without picking up contacts.
Ollie
Yes, but Disraeli's dead, Glenn, he died in the Crimea, did you not hear the town crier announce it?
(deleted scene)
It's never too soon to go to Leamington. It's the Venice of the Midlands, if Venice was fucking horrible.
Have a lovely time in Leamington, yeah? I hear it's got the best Lidl in the West Midlands.
(deleted scene)
(at the poster launch in Leamington) And we need to be investing, er, at least –
Invest? Did I hear her say 'invest'?
(on the phone) Ollie, she's gone off-piste, she's off the mountain now.
Oh, Jesus. She's so far off the mountain, she's being finger-banged in a chalet by Bigfoot.
(Nicola is trying to talk to Malcolm...)
Oh, oh, oh. Incoming body parts. Excuse me. (Malcolm answers his cell phone) Look, if this has got any bigger, you're gonna feel the thump of a fucking harpoon in your thorax.
(to Robyn) Does he know? Well, follow him.
(still on his phone) I hope you like shitting toenails, because that's what you're gonna be doing all of next week. And don't worry, I've painted them yellow so they'll look like fucking sweet corn.
(Robyn is trying to secretly follow Malcolm, but backs away when she sees him coming her way)
(on his phone) The guy's a fucking liability! (softly) Jesus Christ. Listen, I want...
(Robin makes her way back towards the others, and they have to whisper so Malcolm doesn't hear them talking.)
Look, I couldn't hear everything, he takes very long strides...
Ollie
What, are you a fucking penguin? Just run.
Look, I'm a civil servant, not a fucking Olympic athlete!
(Malcolm seems to be off his cell phone...)
Right. What's occurring, Hermann Goring?
(But then his cell phone rings. Again.)
(annoyed) WHAT? (And then...Malcolm doesn't like what he hears...) You're fucking kidding me. Excuse me. (to Nicola and the team) Two minutes and I will be back.
(Nicola and Ollie arrive at Glenn's hotel room, where Glenn has already arrived and waiting for them.)
Ah, you got past mad conference security, then?
It's bonkers, isn't it? It's like trying to get through Israeli customs wearing a T-shirt saying, "I heart bombing Israel."
I know. I mean, I had to wait for an hour and they practically gave me a cavity search.
Ollie
Aw, only practically? The sense of disappointment in your voice is almost palpable.
(Nicola notices the size of Glenn's room.)
Oh, your bed's bigger than mine. In fact, your whole room's bigger than mine.
(feeling awkward) Well, um...Do you want it?
Ollie
"Mr. Lova Lova," full marks for foreplay there, Glenn, straight in.
(reassuring Glenn) Do I want your room? No, honestly. I just thought they'd all be the same, sort of vanilla and monotonous.
Ollie
(to Glenn) Did you ask them for your special tiny kettle?
(chuckling) It's an electric thimble.
Ollie
Maybe the room only looks bigger because Glenn's kettle is so tiny!
(The three of them now shift their discussion to more serious and important business.)
(to Glenn) So, has our People's Champion arrived? Have you spoken to her? Is she alright?
Oh no no no no, she should be over it by now. Her husband died, what, 4 months ago? So, I mean, she's beyond the crying phase.
Ollie
She's clearly not that over it, Glenn. She's leading a public campaign to change building regulations.
Yeah, well, you know, 7 people died when that café collapsed. She's entitled to her 15 minutes. How do you think I should, um... mention the tragedy when I talk to her?
Ollie
Just, um, "Sorry for your loss, thoughts with you at this very difficult time," yada yada yada, all of, you know... Not-Without the "yada yada yada" bit, obviously.
Am I gonna need some jokes for my speech?
Oh, do you think that's a good idea?
Not collapsing café jokes.
Ollie
That's a shame, I had a bunch of those. Thought you could call them, uh, the Little Chef Seven. You know, Special of the Day: Crumble!
(John Duggan, a press officer at the conference, arrives at Nicola's room to introduce himself to Nicola and her team.)
Howdy Doody, Minister. I'm John Duggan, your press officer at the conference.
Oh, hello. Nicola Murray, hi.
Ah, well, you know, we wanted to go to Florida but Malcolm 'suggested' we went to Suffolk, and so the kids were miserable, weather was miserable, and Malcolm rang and shouted at me for looking miserable.
I saw the photo of you, in the wellies next to the horse. 'Why the long face?' It was funny. (Nicola looks up, unimpressed) Or not, depending on your perspective. Still, things are looking up: you're in Eastbourne now, which really is the jewel in the crown of our shit seaside resorts. Clacton of the South West, they call it.
(Nicola is trying to get John to push through the press a story about Peter Mannion taking a second holiday, which would put Peter in a negative light.)
John, are you across this thing about, um, Peter Mannion lining up a second holiday?
Um, Mannion, right, yeah.
Peter Mannion, my opposite number, you know?
Okay, good. So you're going to push that for the press for me, yeah? 'Cause I just want to remind people that while he's criticizing us over the recession, he's, you know, swanning around on his friend's massive yacht.
Ollie
No, not gay.
(stammering) Yeah, well, I mean, in-in-in in principle, yeah. But it-it it is conference, so my to-do list is longer than a big willy.
John, without wishing to sound blunt...Um, actually, you know what? Fuck it, let's sound blunt. (bluntly) It is your job.
I'll do what I can. That is a Duggan promise.
(John leaves the room.)
He's not gonna do it, is he?
Absolutely fucking useless.
He's completely not gonna do it.
(John returns just as the group is discussing Julie Price, Nicola's "People's Champion.")
Ollie
(to John) Glenn says that she's changed her Facebook status to 'single and up for it', (John starts laughing) which I believe is actually why Glenn brought her here in the first place.
Listen, John: There's an outside chance that she may just prefer to meet a human being, so I'm gonna come down with you.
Ollie
Good idea, you can buy her a coffee, can't you – you could maybe buy her a Collapsuccino.
(laughing) Might bring back memories of her latte husband. As in late husband. We're like Dick and Dom, aren't we? Great chemistry.
Yeah. Except neither one of you are Doms.
(In this scene, Nicola and Ollie are working on her upcoming speech.)
OK, right, what have we got on the workplace gym reward scheme?
Ollie
Er, fighting obesity is one of the biggest challenges we face, sleepwalking into a crisis, ticking time bomb –
You write almost entirely in generic meaningless buzzwords, don't you?
Ollie
I could take it more street, if you prefer – 'You is all proper bloaters and it is well gay, biatch' – but, you know, this is the language –
No, but, you know – I just don't want to come across all nanny-state and sort of – 'Death by Chocolate is not a funny name for a pudding, it's a real and genuine concern', you know, I don't want to give the press another opportunity to see me as Mrs. Sour Power Vinegar Tits sucking on a lemon.
Ollie
Fine, I understand, so we'll sugar-coat it.
Well, leaven it, ideally, with a couple of jokes.
Ollie
Yeah, all right, no problemo.
(Nicola then gives Ollie a "Well?" look.)
Ollie
Now-Now? Jokes now?
Ollie
OK, how about: 'We want people to be fit, not fit to burst'?
I'm gonna have to go down the slapstick route, aren't I? Do the speech straight, but dressed as Freddie Starr's Hitler.
(In this scene, Nicola meets face-to-face with Julie Price, the "People's Champion" for today's Party Conference.)
(to Julie, warmly) Thank you so much for joining us. What you're doing is really important.
JPJulie Price
(jokingly) Well, hi, I'm your regional photo opportunity for the day.
(laughing) That's--That's not...That's not the way it is. I hope you appreciate that.
JJulie
(smiling) I was just kidding.
Ollie
That's a good joke.
(happily) Oh, good, and that's what we need in this room right now!
(to Nicola) Um, Julie's written a speech.
(surprised) Oh, right, for today?
JJulie
Well, basically, I start by kind of doing a tribute to me husband, Jason.
JJulie
And then, we'll move on to the campaign. (Julie sits down) Um, we'll get to the middle section, and I just really want to tell everyone how we're trying to take that bastard to court, you know.
You'll get that opportunity.
JJulie
Me and 6 women, whose husbands have died, we're trying our best to do him. But you know what that bastard did?
JJulie
He sent everyone off the site and he changed the equipment, you know. He changed it to the actual, proper legal equipment. So, obviously, we've got no proof.
(saddened) Yeah. What a-What a bastard. What a-What a bastard.
(Poor Julie's worked herself up...)
JJulie
And -- Oh, God, I'm sweating like a fat lass.
(concerned) Are you-I mean, maybe this isn't a great room for you to be in. We've got to write some stupid jokes about a rich bloke on a yacht.
I mean, that's so trivial...
JJulie
I've got more to tell you.
Yeah, I want to hear it. I want to hear it.
JJulie
(getting up to leave) There's not -- Just a couple of pages.
Yeah, let's-we'll knock off this stuff, and then I'm with you.
Ollie's a lovely guy. He'll look after you.
(The situation looks bleak for Malcolm, UNTIL...Ollie introduces him to Julie. Malcolm is genuinely warm and empathetic towards her.)
Ollie
(to Malcolm) Uh, look, um, this is Julie Price. She is, uh, the People's Champion that Nicola is announcing in her speech.
(to Julie) Julie Price...I'm so sorry for your loss. Hey, you're being looked after well enough, yeah?
You stick with Ollie. He's...yeah, he's a good guy. I know he looks a bit like an anorexic Leo Sayer there. Listen, could I have a photograph taken with you?
Yeah. I've got a little correction of memories, you know. Mandela and stuff. (to Ollie) Ollie, would you be so kind as to do the honor, good sir?
(Ollie takes a picture of Malcolm and Julie together.)
JJulie
(to Malcolm, happily) You're a stunner, ye.
No, no, you're a stunner. You really are. Very impressive. You know, I'm not the only one who finds you impressive. The PM...he finds you very impressive.
Ollie
Well, great.
I think that there is a point in his speech today...
...where he would be very honored to introduce you. Is that something that would interest you?
Ollie
Yes, it might clash, though, with, uh, with Nicola's championing of Julie's cause.
JJulie
Oh, God. Look, the nerves are getting to us. I need to use your bog.
(Poor Julie has to go to the bathroom...)
Yeah, that's the ladies there.
(Ollie doesn't like what Malcolm's doing.)
Ollie
Malcolm, you can't...You can't do that. She's our bonus track. She's our DVD Easter egg. We need her for the speech.
Boo-fucking-hoo. Can do and have done.
Ollie
Yes, but that...What, in two hours, two hours, think of a whole new speech?
Oh, welcome to the Men's Room! Jesus Christ, listen. It's this simple, right? If she goes on with Nicola, she'll be watched by 15 housebound mouth-breathers. Oh, and by the ever-swelling ranks of the unemployed, who fucking hate us, by the way. But if she goes on with Tom, she'll make the 10 o'clock news, right?
(Julie has finally returned, AND...)
Yes. Now what's it gonna be, Julie darling? Do you want to go with the teas maid...or with the caravan?
JJulie
(excited) I'm going with the caravan. That is the Prime Minister?
That is the Prime Minister, yes.
JJulie
(to Ollie) Sorry, Ollie. It's nice to meet you.
Julie, this way, come on. Are you actually in the hotel, or are you staying...
(As Malcolm and Julie leave together, Ollie runs back to Glenn's room to alert Glenn and Nicola of the bad news.)
(Nicola and Glenn are in her room trying to write her speech...)
"So, joking aside..." Of course, we haven't fucking got those yet.
Whatever they are, right...
(When all of a sudden, Ollie re-enters the room.)
Ollie
(anxious as hell) Right, right.
"It's now my great pleasure -- " (to Ollie) We're just doing the...
Ollie
No no no, listen. Um -- listen!
Ollie
You know when something, well, something bad, but you know when something bad happens and you think it's not as bad as...
Ollie
Malcolm's commandeered Julie for the PM's speech. We bumped into each other and he...
What do you mean he's commandeered her? You're supposed to be looking after her, for fuck's sake!
No, no, no, no, no, he hasn't. No.
(to Ollie) We can't even fucking trust you to babysit!
Ollie
Malcolm took her...
Ollie
(getting defensive) You don't just say no!
What part of "no" don't you understand?
Ollie
Babysitting isn't a fucking...
(Nicola starts pounding and stomping on a pillow -- pretending that the pillow is Malcolm!)
MALCOLM! FUCKING -- FUCK MALCOLM! FUCK MALCOLM! FUCK MALCOLM! FUCK MALCOLM! FUCK MALCOLM!
Ollie
Well, um, that was my, uh, initial reaction as well.
Yes, yes I know. Thank you, thank you, FUCK OFF! Thank you!
Right, yes. What do you want us to do?
(Nicola pushes Glenn and Ollie out of the way and runs to the bathroom.)
(to Nicola) Do you want your Rescue Remedy?
No, fuck off! (Nicola takes a few deep breaths...) Get me some ketamine. I want to separate my mind from my body.
Jesus Christ, poor Nicola. I'm going to go and talk to the bastard.
Ollie
Yes.
Ollie
(to Glenn, sarcastically) Yeah, that's right, rip your shirt off! Go on, Braveheart! FREEDOM!
Now that you've lost Geordie Julie, the merry fucking widow, you've got a hole in your speech. Right, so have we got a contingency for that?
Yeah, we'll figure it out, thank you.
Well look, why don't I help you? Let's roll some tits up the flagpole, and see if anyone gets wood!
Oh Christ, it's like being trapped in a fucking boys' toilet. (beat) Right, all we've got is Mannion's second holiday, we need to take the piss out of that.
Ollie
OK, how about, er, "He's called Peter 'Two Holidays' Mannion"?
Um, 'He's, um – works really hard – at planning his holidays'?
(unimpressed) That's really fucking quality fucking explosive sarcasm you're lobbing at them, mate. Boom.
(to Nicola) I feel I'm in a therapy group being run by my own rapist.
Right, okay, well, how about...
(Suddenly, everybody's cell phones are ringing...)
Oh my God...it's got out.
Ollie
No, really? I thought it was room service cold-calling.
Who the fuck is leaking this out there? (to Ollie) Find out who's pissing this over the wall.
Ollie
Yeah, w-well, the thing about the Internet, Malcolm, is it's quite big...
Ollie
I don't know what he looks like. I don't...
(to Nicola) You need to get your people's champion out of this hotel before some tabloid minge-flannel starts soft-soaping her.
So we've got her back again now. Is that right?
Don't be so fucking touchy about this! I've a lot to fucking deal with here!
(sarcastically) MY responsibility again NOW! Doesn't matter about the speech. That's fine, Malcolm.
Yeah, it does fucking matter!
(Nicola then slams the bathroom door.)
Women, huh? Women slam the door, where did this idea come from, huh? (bangs on the bathroom door) WILMAAA! Fuck off!
(from inside the bathroom) I'm making a phone call.
Make a phone call! Phone a fucking friend!
(looking at her speech) 'Government department – The gov–' Oh, fuck, fuck, fuck! How can I learn this when you're still writing it? I feel sick!
Ollie
No, it's exciting, it's good, it's really good. In fact, I would say: the fact that you're hearing it for the first time when you say it will possibly give it a freshness and a zing, you know –
Ollie
Yes, you know, this is politics as it is, isn't it? It's The West Wing!
You're not Josh, Ollie, just write the fucking speech.
Ollie
It doesn't mat–
Come on Nicola, pull yourself together.
Ollie
(to himself) I fucking am Josh.
Nicola Murray can do this, come on!
Ollie
Wow, did you just refer to yourself in the second and third person? 'Cause they're both –
Write the fucking speech!
Ollie
Right, OK, yes, I'm just slightly distracted by all the Nicola Murrays in the room!
(deleted scene)
Er, no, I've gotta wait for Glenn to bring Julie what's-her-face back from the toilet so I can give her the tour.
Ollie
Where are they?
Glenn has taken her to Nicola's toilet. It's like being back at college, isn't it, you know, Freshers' Week, it's just as busy, isn't it, you know –
Ollie
Oh dear, that's bad, Glenn and a woman in a toilet. 'Hello Julie. Would you like to see the Minister's room? (John starts laughing) It's very cosy, isn't it, just right for a little kissy-kissy? Maybe some tickle-me tickle-me? (mimes undoing his flies) Have you met my little friend, old blind Bob?' (turns round to find that Glenn and Julie Price have returned) Just an impression of my friend, old blind Bob.
Ollie
Listen, right, I'm not being really horrible, but are you actually autistic?
No; but you'd be surprised how many people ask me that.
The Thick Of It · 395 quotes
