Oi! Oi! James fucking May! It was you sprayed the private information about the school, wasn't it?! Like Jenson Button shaking up a magnum of piss!
Oh, just listen to yourself! Okay, at first it was private information between you and your boss, then it was private information between you and your girlfriend, then it was private information between your girlfriend and her colleagues!
Yeah?
I mean, I can draw you a diagram if you like! it's like a fucking swine flu pandemic!
I've clearly made an error, which I have to take up with Emma...
Exactly!
... but you shouldn't be fucking using it for political –
This is your fault! It's not my fault! You're like the man who fucked the monkey that gave us AIDS, that's who you are!
(incredulous) I'm like the man who did what? Who "fucked the monkey (laughs) that gave us AIDS"?
That's right: you keep saying "it wasn't me, it wasn't me" and there's monkey shit on your balls, not mine!
(walking in) I love it, I love it - it's the pre-match sparring for the big Super Gayweight Title Fight, eh? (makes boxing motions) Okay, Oliver, wipe away the pre-cum. You've got some work to get on with.
(quietly) Yeah, Malcolm, um...?
What?
The Nicola thing, I think, is getting a bit worse. It looks like her daughter's about to be excluded for bullying.
Yeah, I know, Glenn told me that.
What? When did –?
Yeah. The thing is, all we've got to do is, if we try and keep this info very, very closely contained, we'll be all right, yeah?
Okay.
Okay?
Okay.
On you go. (walks up to Phil) Okay, Shitehead Revisited. Did you know that Nicola Murray's daughter is about to be expelled from school for fucking bullying?
(to Malcolm) What are you doing?
No, what...
(to Ollie) Don't worry. (to Phil) Did you not know that?
No, why would I... No...
Of course you wouldn't know that, 'cause the only people who know that right now are Mrs. Murray, her daughter, Ollie and me, yeah? If this gets into the press, I would know that it came from you.
Clever. (chuckles, trying to hide his nervousness)
(also chuckles, rather deviously) And I would rain down on you so hard, you would have to be reassembled by fucking air crash investigators. (Phil tries to protest) Do not fucking interrupt me, son, ever! Now get this into the noggin, right? You breathe a word of this, to anyone, you mincing fucking CUNT, and I will tear your fucking skin off, I will wear it to your mother's birthday party, and I will rub your nuts up and down her leg whilst whistling Bohemian fucking Rhapsody, right?!
(nods in shock) Yeah.
Now...get out of my fucking sight!
Yeah. (wanders off, visibly terrified)
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