How fucking dare you? Have you any idea of the amount of pressure that has been exerted on my skull, huh? It feels like my brain has been fucking emptied into little packets, into fucking crisp packets. Cheese and onion fucking crisp packets, that contain my living, breathing, fucking brain!
Malcolm, I'm really sorry, I –
And these crisp packets – cheese and onion, smoky bacon – they've been stomped on. They've been fucking stomped on! By Ben, fucking Nicola –
I didn't mean to be horrid –
AND FUCKING YOU!
(long silence)
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
No, I'm over it, okay? Don't you apologise, don't you fucking apologise, you don't need to apologise. I love this place. I do! I mean, fucking compared to Number 10, this place, this place is fucking tranquil, yeah? Over there, 300 yards down the road, I mean it's like a fucking cancer ward: I mean, there are people in there, they're fucking screaming at each other. They're screaming, 'You gave me this fucking disease. You gave me this fucking disease!' And every corner that I turn, there's another threat, Terri: hacks! Hacks, fucking vampire hacks! And they're slaughtering us, Terri, THEY ARE FUCKING SLAUGHTERING US, AND THEY WANT MY FACE FOR A FLANNEL!
Yeah.
And you know what? I used to be the fucking pharaoh, Terri, I used to be the fucking pharaoh! Now I'm fucking floundering in a fucking Nile of shit! But I am gonna fashion a paddle out of that shit. Yeah?
Mmm. Good idea.
I'm not going down. I am not going down. Yeah?
(whispers) Yeah.
How are you feeling about things?
Well, you know, I'm just trying to do my best and, you know, make sure I can still get home by six o'clock. Do you want a huggle?
No, I think – That's nice of you, I really appreciate it. Terri, it's been nice to have a chat, but I've gotta get on.
Okay.
Yeah. Let's get back on track.
Get back on track.
(both leave the room)
As they say, right?
Funny to use that phrase.
All righty-o, okay, Nicola, let's see you in your office, please.
What did he say?
Dunno, it was all about ancient Egypt.
Ancient Egypt?
Yeah.
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