BenLook at this! Takeaway and a fight. All I need now is a handjob in a bus shelter, I've had the great British night out.
Played by Justin Edwards
The Thick Of It · 395 quotes
In 21 of the 395 quotes from The Thick Of It
Most scenes with: Malcolm Tucker (16), Ollie Reeder (8), Glenn Cullen (5)
Lines by Ben Swain 1
BenScenes with Ben Swain 20
(Ben Swain, the Junior Minister that Ollie is "babysitting," arrives at the office.)
Ben SwainMorning, all!
Benjamin! Happy New Year!
Ben! Big Ben, Ben-Benji, Beno, Benj.
BenHappy New Year to you as well.
(to Ben) These are the briefing notes.
BenAh, splendid. I'll file these directly in the shredder. Thank you, Glenn.
(Ben, Glenn and Ollie enter an office.)
(to Ben) If you just, uh, stick to what's in there, you'll be all right. Just remember, you're the night watchman, all right?
BenYes, well, I like to think of myself as more, perhaps, I don't know, an elected MP than a night watchman, Glenn. But thank you very much for everything, I'll be fine without you holding my hand. You enjoy your weekend cottaging in Wales or whatever it is you're up to.
(Ollie picks up a copy of Ben's upcoming book, which is called, "It's the Everything, Stupid: How to Get Ahead in Modern Politics.")
(impressed) This is looking good. When is it coming out?
BenEnd of the, end of the week. You'll be able to make the launch party?
(to Ben) Great title.
BenThank you.
And have you written it yourself or was it ghosted by, uh...
BenBy Victoria Beckham? No, everything in there is entirely-entirely written by me, I think you'll find. Yes.
There you go, you have hidden talents.
BenAnyone heard from "The Hughster?"
Yes, he's suffering from jet lag.
(to Ben) Have you ever been to Australia?
BenNo. Why would I want to go there? Full of people in khaki, squinting. Just the world's largest collection of poisonous things.
Oh, yeah. God, yeah. If you want to stick around with poisonous snakes, you might as well stay here.
(Awkward silence occurs after Ollie's stupid attempt at a joke.)
(jokingly) Throw a blanket on me, I'm on fire.
BenHeh-heh, good.
(Malcolm and Jamie enter Ben's office. Time to discuss Ben's upcoming appearance as Jeremy Paxman's guest on Newsnight.)
Mr. Swain.
BenJamie.
Good morning, Ben.
BenMorning, Malcolm.
(to 2 office workers) Off you two fuck.
(The 2 workers leave Ben's office.)
Right, Ben, heard the big news about Paxo.
BenOh right.
What was it you did in your gap year again?
BenUm, Interrailing, month on a kibbutz –
Did you ever travel, like, 100 miles per hour, head-first through a tunnel full of pig shit? Because that's what's gonna happen to you tonight with Paxman, unless, unless...you listen to us.
He will eat you up, sick you out and grout his fucking wet room with you.
BenYeah, I have been interviewed on television before, thank you very much.
Who?
BenGeorge Alagiah.
Yeah? Do you know what they call him? Easy George.
This is Paxo. What are you gonna do when he pulls that big rubbery horse-face of mock-incredulity at you?
BenYes, look, we know the cheat codes for Paxman now, don't we? That old aggressive style of his is just old school. All you need to do, you play the honest, the Honest Joe just trying to humbly get your point across and...
(pulling up a chair) Let's see you do your stuff, Mr. Television, huh?
(Jamie is pretending to be Jeremy Paxman on Newsnight, asking Ben questions.)
(As Paxo) Immigration is in disarray. What are you going to do about it?
BenWell, first of all, I would have to take issue with your contention that immigration is in...
Oh, answer the question, you fat fuck!
Get him properly fucking screen-tested. I'm sorry mate, but you need a lot of powder, I've never seen anybody look so fucking ugly with just one head.
BenYeah. No, I lost my islands of safety, didn't I, which is –
And who was it that did your media training? Myra Hindley? I mean, it was terrible, all this – hands were all over the place. You were like a sweaty octopus trying to unhook a bra! It was like watching John Leslie at work!
BenYes, I know all of that, and it just kind of fell away. God, it was like one of those dreams when you're wandering around Covent Garden or something in just your vest and everyone's staring at you.
I think it was much worse than that, I mean, how many people see you in Covent Garden, a few thousand? Your meltdown was witnessed by 1.2 million people. That's more people than saw Al Jolson in his entire career. And that's Al fucking Jolson!
He loves Al Jolson.
The Governor!
'Maaammy.'
You take the piss out of Jolson again, and I will remove your iPod from its tiny nano-sheath, and push it up your cock! And then I'll plug some speakers up your arse, and put it onto shuffle with my fucking fist! And every time I hear something that I don't like, which will be every time that something comes on, I will skip to the next track (to Ben) by crushing your balls!
(deleted scene)
Is your department looking at a 10 million overspend? Yes, or no?
BenWell, I don't have the figures to hand, but all I can say is that if there has been an overspend or a perceived overspend within this department, then certainly I think I've – (sees Jamie mime fellatio) He's not gonna do that, is he?
Oh yes, he will, and he will do a lot more. Jazz hands, he'll be touching you up under the table, he's got all the tricks.
BenNo he won't! Fuck off, Malcolm.
You, listen. First things first: you need some interruption lines, yeah? Something that you can throw in.
BenAll right: how about, er, 'I will answer the questions in the order you asked them, Jeremy'.
That makes you sound like a smug Oxbridge twat. Oh, I know you are, but everyone doesn't need to know.
(deleted scene)
(seeing Ben Swain arrive)
Oh hey, hello, here he is! The walk of shame.
You never told us you had epilepsy of the eyes. Was that a sweat, or were you crying?
Have I seen you on the telly?
Ben(laughs) Yeah. Blockbuster, 1991, I got a Gold Run.
You know what, I have never seen anyone sweat so much in my life. And I've had a sauna with Pavarotti! I know that politicians and hot air are supposed to go together, but I've never actually seen one vapourise!
BenCan I get you two fellows a drink?
An orange juice, yeah, yes.
BenJamie?
Oh, I'll have a pint of 'Fuck right off and die, you miserable fucking tosser'. Do they do that in here?
He's a wee bit disappointed.
We'll get you on Newsround next time. You reflected badly on me, and I don't like that.
BenOh come on, Jamie, look, I'll get you a drink and then we'll –
DO YOU WANT A FUCKING SPLINTER GLASS FACIAL? I'm not pretending to hate you here, I actually fucking hate you! I'm not playing a fucking game. Fuck off! (leaves)
He trained as a priest.
BenReally? Yeah, he'd be fantastic, I'd confess everything to him.
Ben SwainWhat do you think?
Hmm – To be honest, I was really hoping that was going to be shit, because I'm tired and I'd quite like to hit someone.
The good news, however, is that the – well, the Tom wobble, it's over.
Ben SwainAnd so the –
That's great, isn't it?
Ben SwainYeah! Why is – So what, he's not wobbling, he's – What does that mean?
Well, it means that all the rats are now returning to a very buoyant ship and they're playing deck tennis, so that's lovely, isn't it?
Ben SwainWhat does that mean for me, then?
I guess that means that you're standing in the chamber of the House of Commons with your big flaccid dick hanging out with a 'vote for me' sticker on the end.
Ben SwainBut you said I had a chance! About half an hour ago you said I was in with a shot!
Don't fucking gi– Look, half an hour ago you were in with a shot! This is half an hour hence! We've fucking time-travelled, yes? We're in a weird and wonderful world, where everything is different. Maybe outside, the polar ice caps have melted. Maybe there's fucking robots knocking about and Davina McCall's the new Pope. Maybe, you can download rice! I want you right now to think about your future, okay? Think about what you are doing, get yourself back on the train to fucking Tomsville pronto, yeah? (walking out) Half an hour ago.
Malcolm, maybe we're making matters worse. We're making them think we've got a live one. I just think we're overreacting.
No no no no no. We nip this in the fucking knackers now, okay?
Ben(smiling) It's been, uh, a wonderful experience here. I think I'll leave you all to it. My work here is done.
(to Ben) Whoa whoa whoa whoa no no no no. You're staying here, mate.
Ben(objecting) I'm not staying here. You haven't even got biscuits here.
You stay here, right? The situation's fucking febrile.
(Ben is puzzled by the word "febrile.")
You don't fucking know what febrile means.
BenNo.
No you don't. It-It means there are gonna be hysterical journalists, right? Watching every fucking move we make. So I want you unplugged from the mains until the danger's past.
(calling out from Nicola's office) Right, there's-there's a few journalists out there already.
(to Ben) See? See, there you are. It's a fucking feeding frenzy.
BenYeah? Well, not in here, it's not.
(again to Ben) Don't panic, Orca. We'll get sandwiches, okay? (to Ollie) How many are there there?
Eight.
Right. Eight constitutes a lockdown.
(And so, Malcolm leaves Nicola's office to lock DoSAC down.)
Right, people, listen up! It's a fucking lockdown! Right now!
Oh, come off it! We're not in a prison drama, are we?
(to Nicola) We are in a prison drama and this is the fucking Shawshank Redemption, right? But with more tunnelling through shit and no fucking redemption. (back to the crowd) Right, people, nobody move, right? Nobody move, nobody gets fucking truncheoned in the face. This is a lockdown, right? What that means is this office is now an isolation unit. Do not use the phones. No fucking emails. (to Glenn, who's still on his cell phone) No phones, Glenn. Come on.
(ending his phone call) I-I've got to go. Bye.
BenIt's like wet play, isn't it?
Hah!
(playing chess over the phone, with a miniature chessboard) Queen to knight 4.
BenI never had you down as a chess man, Glenn, I thought you might be more the kind to play Ludo or something.
Do you mind?
BenOh what, can you not multitask, Deep Beige? (He and Ollie laugh)
What, check? Oh, fuck you!
BenWell, you know, politics is like a game of chess, Glenn, insofar as you're shit at both of them.
Malcolm (answering his mobile): Nicola Murray is not going to make a leadership announcement this evening. Permission to speak frankly and off the record, yeah? She's an idiot. I know that she's in the Cabinet, but look, that's like being disabled at a football match, yeah? I mean, she's very close to the action, but hardly likely to score a goal. That – No! That – How is that offensive? That is a very fair and accurate portrayal of just how fucking retarded she is.
Are you emailing? Are you stirring this up? Is that why you came into DoSAC today: did you have a big bucket of shit and a whisk?
BenNo. (beat) Yes, a bit.
What are you saying?
BenJust, you know, 'Joan Rivers wants to be the new Prime Minister. Have a look at this clip of her online, staking her bid.'
You treacherous shit.
BenCome on, it's not my fault you've dressed up like a dead geisha.
Why are you doing this?
BenBecause I'm bored, it's funny and – and I hate you. There you are, the holy trinity of why.
Do you know, talking to you is like talking to a fucking whoopee cushion!
Right. Bit of good news.
What?
Two bits, actually. Um...
Enough. Can we all just shut the fuck up, okay? So we can gather our thoughts. So, one at a time. Private Godfrey, get to your station. (Glenn runs to his desk) I want to hear what the word is on the street.
All right, (reporting from his computer) 'Ben has been seen coming into DoSAC but not going out. Possibly Ben is her running mate as number two in a leadership bid.'
BenHah! Right, I don't mind going out there now and telling them all face to face just how much I hate Nicola and how unlikely that is to happen, and get myself a sandwich, I'm fucking starving –
What did I just fucking say, what did I just fucking say? I said one at a fucking time. Stand up. (Ben does not stand) I'm telling you to fucking stand up, you sack of fucking cum! Stand the fuck up! (Ben stands) Fucking move, right. (Malcolm grabs a keyboard) See that? Fucking play with that, right? Never mind your fucking toys, play with that. (Malcolm hands Ben the keyboard and pushes him) Go and stand in that fucking corner. Stand over there, right? And do not move, or I will perform a fucking living fucking autopsy on you! With a fucking rusty spade, and I'll have your kidneys for fucking CUFFLINKS!
(to Ben) See, you? Get me a fucking Curly Wurly, right?
(Shortly afterwards, Ben gives Malcolm a Curly Wurly.)
It's a classic Curly Wurly I wanted. A Curly Wurly should be the size of a small ladder.
BenYour hands have got bigger.
Right, sorry to interrupt you at this very sad time, but we do have Prime Minister's Questions in one hour.
No it's fine, I've got the lead question, I've got the follow-up sarcastic question and I've got the withering put-down, so I'm prepped, I'm fucking prepped.
Yep. You'll walk rings round him.Ben: The Leader of the Opposition is in that room, Malcolm, practising walking. I mean, baby horses can walk from the womb, she's one-nil down to a pony.
A pony isn't a baby horse, it's a foal, a fucking foal is a baby horse.
BenRight, our guest tonight on 'I Don't Give a Fuck about Baby Horses' is me. But we need to do something about Nicola, Malcolm, I mean, you know about her plan – I mean, Nicola with a plan, that's like a toddler with a harpoon, there's a toddler wandering around in that office with a harpoon.
Yes, well, don't you worry about Nicola's plan. I'll deal with that, Sweaty Betty – Listen, when you wake up in the morning you've got a routine, haven't you?
BenBig shit, granola, check the email, shower and a shave, Nespresso, sometimes a second shit.
Exactly. You have a plan: that's good. Nicola has a plan: that's not good. But I have a plan: that's fucking great.Malcolm (seeing Nicola bend down in front of the photocopier): Oh, that's very moving: 'They shall not grow old, who photocopy their arses at the Christmas do'.
(Nicola and her advisers, Ollie Reeder & Helen Hatley, are brainstorming ideas for a buzzword for do-gooder members of the public.)
They're commuters, they are the street-pounders, street – walkers, um –
You can't call them streetwalkers.
They're the people who deal with the little stuff, erm – Wombles, Honest Wombles, Everyday Wombles?
Sorry, I've just got to take a call.
Erm, straights.
No!
No. No, of course, sorry.
Commuting champions.
Interrai– human interrailers –
Human interrailers? That's interrailers. Er, everyday superstars, all British supremes –
That sounds like a racist tribute band.
Ordinary people, with something special about them, with a special power.
Please don't say special. Don't say special.
No but – you know, but like sup– people as superheroes.
Ironpeople, Spiderpeople. Wolfpeople.
They're just regular citizens, but they have this – that one special quality that makes them like Batman, or Batpeople. Erm, Quiet Batpeople.
(glaring) Quiet Batpeople?
Before we finish, I just want to throw one more pebble into the thought pool.
BenPloop.
Sorry Ben, I missed that?
BenJust I'm sorry, I just, I said 'ploop', it's just the noise of a pebble.
(A photographer has managed to take a picture of Helen's 'Quiet Batpeople' notes)
"Quiet Batpeople" on every fucking paper!
Right, this is a wake-up call. And by the way, Helen, the next time you want to make Nicola look like a clown with her fucking hair on fire in a Zumba class, why don't you just take your notes down to Snappy Snaps and get them blown up to gigantic charity cheque size, so the partially sighted can be in on the fucking gag?
I didn't know they'd be able to see it!
So we have to seize the agenda. We have to deflect attention away from all this. It's now time to embrace our friend Mr. Tickle.
I can't even say his name without smiling.
Yeah, well, he's not smiling, is he? He's living in a tent, 'cause his key-worker housing's been sold off.
Yes, and he's a 24-carat fucking nutcase. Which means that Peter Mannion has been picking on a man with a history of depression. That's a way right into the Principality of Pricks right there.
BenMalcolm, could I have a couple of words please?
Political lightweight? Making up the numbers? Sorry that's four isn't it?
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