Malcolm (arriving at Nicola's Guardian lunch): Afternoon, ladies! I heard there were sandwiches and I'm a fucker for cress – No no no, please don't get up, I'm not Viagra. Geoffrey. (shakes hands)
Good to see you. John, how are you doing? (John gets up to shake hands) I just want to tell you, I really enjoyed your novel.
JohnOh, thank you very much!
Way of writing a fucking awful story. Joking, joking!
(Nicola has accidentally revealed the data loss to an on-the-record journalist.)
FUCK'S SAKE! Jesus – Christ! Well, now we've got another fucking adjective to add to fucking 'smug' and 'glum', haven't we?! Fucking 'RETARDED'! JESUS Ch– Do you not think it would be germane to check who you're talking to?! IT'S A FUCKING NEWSPAPER OFFICE! IT'S NOT A FUCKING SANATORIUM FOR THE FUCKING DEAF, IS IT?! ARE YOU SO DENSE?! Am I gonna have to run around, slapping badges on people, with a big tick on some and a big cross on others, so you know when to shut your gob and when to open it?! Jesus Christ! Oh, but that'll probably confuse you as well, won't it?! That'll be too confusing! You'd see the cross and go "Oh, fuck! X marks the spot! Better tell this little person all about the Prime Minister's fucking CATASTROPHIC ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION!" Oh, but not to worry, not to worry, you've sent fucking Ollie over there to deal with it. (Nicola tries to speak) FUCKING OLLIE! HE'S A FUCKING- HE'S A FUCKING KNITTED SCARF, THAT TWAT, HE'S A FUCKING BALACLAVA!
(John Duggan, a press officer at the conference, arrives at Nicola's room to introduce himself to Nicola and her team.)
John Duggan
Howdy Doody, Minister. I'm John Duggan, your press officer at the conference.
Oh, hello. Nicola Murray, hi.
John
How was your holiday?
Ah, well, you know, we wanted to go to Florida but Malcolm 'suggested' we went to Suffolk, and so the kids were miserable, weather was miserable, and Malcolm rang and shouted at me for looking miserable.
John
I saw the photo of you, in the wellies next to the horse. 'Why the long face?' It was funny. (Nicola looks up, unimpressed) Or not, depending on your perspective. Still, things are looking up: you're in Eastbourne now, which really is the jewel in the crown of our shit seaside resorts. Clacton of the South West, they call it.
(Nicola is trying to get John to push through the press a story about Peter Mannion taking a second holiday, which would put Peter in a negative light.)
John, are you across this thing about, um, Peter Mannion lining up a second holiday?
John
Um, Mannion, right, yeah.
Peter Mannion, my opposite number, you know?
John
Yes.
Okay, good. So you're going to push that for the press for me, yeah? 'Cause I just want to remind people that while he's criticizing us over the recession, he's, you know, swanning around on his friend's massive yacht.
John
Oh, okay. "He's gay."
John
(stammering) Yeah, well, I mean, in-in-in in principle, yeah. But it-it it is conference, so my to-do list is longer than a big willy.
John, without wishing to sound blunt...Um, actually, you know what? Fuck it, let's sound blunt. (bluntly) It is your job.
John
I'll do what I can. That is a Duggan promise.
(John leaves the room.)
He's not gonna do it, is he?
Absolutely fucking useless.
He's completely not gonna do it.
(John returns just as the group is discussing Julie Price, Nicola's "People's Champion.")
(to John) Glenn says that she's changed her Facebook status to 'single and up for it', (John starts laughing) which I believe is actually why Glenn brought her here in the first place.
Listen, John: There's an outside chance that she may just prefer to meet a human being, so I'm gonna come down with you.
Good idea, you can buy her a coffee, can't you – you could maybe buy her a Collapsuccino.
John
(laughing) Might bring back memories of her latte husband. As in late husband. We're like Dick and Dom, aren't we? Great chemistry.
Yeah. Except neither one of you are Doms.
John
Malcolm, you're really scaring me now.
I'm scaring you? I'm so sorry I'm fucking scaring you. I mustn't scare you, must I? I won't scare you, OK, I'll just explain to you what I'm gonna fucking do to you: I'm gonna take your bollocks, I'm gonna fucking rip them off, I'm gonna fucking paint eyeballs on them. And I'm gonna stitch them onto a fucking sock and use that as a mouthpiece.
(deleted scene)
John
Er, no, I've gotta wait for Glenn to bring Julie what's-her-face back from the toilet so I can give her the tour.
John
Glenn has taken her to Nicola's toilet. It's like being back at college, isn't it, you know, Freshers' Week, it's just as busy, isn't it, you know –
John
Right, OK.
Oh dear, that's bad, Glenn and a woman in a toilet. 'Hello Julie. Would you like to see the Minister's room? (John starts laughing) It's very cosy, isn't it, just right for a little kissy-kissy? Maybe some tickle-me tickle-me? (mimes undoing his flies) Have you met my little friend, old blind Bob?' (turns round to find that Glenn and Julie Price have returned) Just an impression of my friend, old blind Bob.
John
Liar.
Listen, right, I'm not being really horrible, but are you actually autistic?
John
No; but you'd be surprised how many people ask me that.
(deleted scene)
John
See, this is the problem with the modern age, the blogosphere, and it is a fear, it's everywhere, we call it the i-Zilla. No one can tame the Beast of Blogmin.
What the fuck are you talking about? Make a deal with these bloggers. Threaten them! It's your fucking job, isn't it?
John
Malcolm, that is not how the internet works; it's a world-wide, you know, web, that's where that comes from.
Look: I need you to find the incy-wincy fucking spider, take your rolled-up wank mag and fucking squash the fucker, right, can you do that?
John
Malcolm, I've got a lot on. (Malcolm glares at him) Not a problem. That's a Duggan promise.
(deleted scene)
Ollie (looking out of the window onto the car park): You've got to see this, come here. Glenn is putting on his retrosexual moves.
Nicola (looking out of the window): Who is she?
I dunno, but she's smashed, if she is a she. I think I can see her madam's apple there.
Maybe they're just talking.
Nicola and Ollie (seeing them kiss): Oh!
That's horrific. This is like the worst porn film ever. This is like the porn film where the woman rings for a special adviser to give her an overview of the last five years of social policy and they end up fucking.
(both laugh)
Nicola: The Porn Ultimatum.
John Duggan
Please, call me JD, I've rebranded.
Right. So John, if you could get us some drinks, that would be great.
John Duggan
Abso-dutely, I could murder a lager! It's all right drinking on trains, isn't it, it's one of those places where alcohol is acceptable at any time of day, like a casino, or Cardiff. That's not racist. I could have said Glasgow, or Dublin.
Nicola (returning to her seat): Right, wee mission accomplished.
John Duggan
Actually, having an accurate wee into a moving train toilet would make a great round on The Cube with Phillip Schofield.Glenn (entering the toilet): Ollie, come on, this is my shittiest lunch break I've had since Stewart took us all out for sushi.
Patience, old man, and you can watch the fuckpuppet master at work now. (calls Ben) Ben Swain! Benign tumour, Bental illness!
Ol– Oliver Cyst, Olivetti – Spaghet– I don't really have time for chit-chat, Ollie.
Are you resigning, mate, are you dropping the R-bomb? Benola Gay? I'm not just, er, talking about the rumours.
Let's just say it is time to prepare the hidey-hole for Madame Hussein, her reign of error is over.
And out of interest, Ben, what would it take to stop you from resigning?
Why, what's Nicola offering?
All right. Shadow Chancellor.
(Ollie laughs. Glenn barely stops himself from doing so as well.)
Ah, you still got it, Benny.
I'm serious, stop fucking laughing.
All right, I'll call you back. (hangs up)
This is a fucking joke! Ben Swain, Chancellor? He goes into debt every time he passes a sweet shop!
The Thick Of It · 395 quotes
