(Phil enters the green room.)
Right, if you speak to me, I will pour hot coffee on your balls.
Hey, guy, I don't want to fight. I want to clear the air, actually. We're like those two little old people in the weathercock: you come out, I'm in there, and we're swapping round.
You're Mr. Sunshine, are you?
I'm Mr. Sunshine!
You're a little wooden twat, in a little wooden house.
Come on, there's no need – we can be friends! I'm thinking two enemies, they come together when they realise it is no more. Aragorn and Boromir! Me: Aragorn, the true king. You: Boromir. Your horn is broken, and will be blown no more.
This inability to talk without using Lord of the Rings metaphors is one of the very many reasons that we could never be friends.
Okay. By the way, you'll be getting a bill. That's OK, though, I presume you're expecting that.
(sighing) Okay, I'll bite. Why will I be getting a bill, Phil?
Ah, let me see, partial rent, electricity, gas, internet use, toilet paper...Kept a note every time you were round at the flat.
You're moving out? Oh, that's a shame. I'll miss doing that secret and bad thing I did with your roll-on deodorant.
I'm not moving out. I'm just guessing that seeing how Emma's dumped you, you won't be coming round much any more.
What?
Oh, let me just savor this moment. Thank you, God. She hasn't told you, has she?
No, what?
She's dumped you. She did it tonight.
No, no. She didn't do it tonight.
Let me get a little photo of this moment. Hey, new desktop picture here: Ollie being dumped!
(Ollie doesn't appreciate being told of this bit of news by Phil.)
Why would she tell you first, dickwad?
I've no idea, she told me to get out of the flat tonight so she could dump you. Anyway, in the words of Shakespears Sister, (sings in falsetto) 'You're History'! (Ollie throws his coffee at Phil's groin) Ah, f– It's a dark suit and it's only lukewarm, I still win!
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