(Ollie has had sex with Emma. And he realizes the whole office knows about it -- much to his dismay.)
OllieTerri, is, uh -- (Ollie instead sees Robyn Murdoch.) Oh, hello, Robyn. Where's Terri? Is she not...
(smiling) Well, morning, Mr. Lover-Loverman!
Ollie
Does -- Does nobody else ever shag anybody else in Westminster?
(pretending to be seductive) Hey, Horatio! (beat) How's it hanging?
Ollie
It's hanging fine.
Sleeping with the opposition, I hear, hey?
Ollie
Not all of them.
What do they do? Do they keep a tight hold on the fiscal, um, the fiscal, you know, um...
Ollie
Scrotum? What? What?
(beside himself) Shagging the opposition. Never would have happened in my day.
Ollie
Well, she's not my opposite number, Glenn. 'Cause Levitt has gone to Shadow Defence, so she's doing Shadow Defence, so she's no longer Social Affairs, so...
Did you manage to do some good while you were there and steal a few policy papers?
Ollie
It's hard to know why you're so unsuccessful with the opposite sex. I'll tell you what, though...
Ollie
Oh, Terri. Did you not know?
Ollie
Malcolm's, um...
Ollie
Binned her. She's gone.
(At this moment, Hugh enters the office -- and even HE knows about Ollie's night of romance with Emma!)
(to Ollie) Morning, studmuffin. Enjoy your walk on the wild side? How was your dip in the wild blue – pussy?
Hugh, I have some wonderful news for you. Terri's gone.
Ollie
Uh, yeah. A resignation bluff that went awry.
(very happy) NO! YES! OH, RESULT! WHOO! WHOO! ALL RIGHT! COME ON! HIGH FIVE!
(But Robyn comes into the office to deliver some sad news about Terri's father.)
(to Hugh) Secretary of State, um, just to let you know, Terri's father's, uh, had a stroke. It's pretty serious, um, so she's gonna be gone quite awhile.
(much more sympathetic) I'm...Oh dear, that's awful. I'm so sorry.
(Ollie is preparing for his trip to Number 10 in Hugh's office.)
(looking at Ollie's cell phone) Is this yours? Is this new?
Ollie
Uh, yeah. I thought I'd get it for Number 10.
Ollie
Yeah. Yeah, it's on the back.
(to Glenn) Happy slap him. Go on.
Ollie
(to Hugh) How do you know about happy slapping? How do you begin to know about...
(But before Ollie could finish the question, Glenn gives Ollie a "Happy Slap" upside the head!)
Ollie
(to Glenn) Get off!
(to Glenn) Hang on, I missed it. No, will you do it again?
Ollie
(to Hugh) That's assault.
(Glenn happy slaps Ollie again.)
Ollie
(to Glenn) Get off, will you?
(to Ollie) No, listen, it's all right, we can doctor the crime figures.
(to Ollie) I really like this!
Ollie
(to Glenn) I'll punch you in your substantial gut.
(And then, Robyn gives Ollie a happy slap, too!)
Ollie
(to Robyn) Fucking hell, Robyn! You little fucker!
(Hugh and Glenn are laughing at Ollie's expense. Then, after the laughter dies down, the 2 of them decide to take a selfie of themselves on Ollie's cell phone.)
(to Hugh) We should take one of us, so he's got something to remember us by.
(Glenn takes the pic.)
(to Hugh) Because, you know, at the end of the week, you're gonna be head of the Policy Unit.
Ollie
Yeah, then you'll both be out.
Giving head to the Policy Unit.
(to Hugh) Hugh, can we, uh, do the prep for the factory visit now?
We're gonna get there at about 12, 12:30, okay?
Ollie
Forgot the, um...
(Ollie picks up something from Hugh's desk -- and then gives Glenn a happy slap upside his head! Then, Ollie leaves.)
I don't think it was funny.
I'm an elected representative of the people.
(As Ollie is waiting outside Malcolm's office, Malcolm is yelling out for Sam again.)
(Sam comes toward Malcolm's office.)
Sam, a coffee and a fucking skinny muffin, if that's possible. (Malcolm then sees Ollie.) What the fuck are you doing here?
Ollie
I thought you said today, Malcolm. Did you not say...
I mean what are you doing there? Come on!
Ollie
All right, sorry. I just didn't want to interrupt you, I never know what you're doing in your –
Yeah, well if the PM's giving me a blowjob I always put a sign up.
(to Geoff Holhurst) How much fucking shit is there on the menu, and what fucking FLAVOUR is it?
Ollie
(on the phone to Emma) Oh, Malcolm? No no, that's – I'm in a Scottish restaurant, some man's complaining 'cause they've under-fried his Mars Bar – yeah, of course it's Malcolm! (beat) Well, Malcolm's all sound major. That's him every day. It's like this furnace of shit. It's not -- it's not good for my system.
GHGeoff Holhurst
(to Malcolm) Christian's firm put in the second lowest tender. That's Point 1.
Ollie
(on the phone to Emma) Do you fancy meeting up? Maybe tomorrow night?
(to Geoff) You're worse than dead meat. I don't know why you're laughing. You're too toxic to even feed to the vultures.
(Meanwhile at Number 10, Malcolm and Jamie are having a stern chat with Geoff Holhurst's son, Christian.)
(to Christian Holhurst) Your dad told us that he didn't know you worked for the company. You never told him.
(Ollie's cell phone rings...)
Ollie
(answering his phone) Ollie Reeder? (beat) Um -- Sorry, who is this?
CHChristian Holhurst
(to Jamie and Malcolm) Obviously, he knew, but...
Ollie
(on his phone) No, I've never cleaned up my own mother's piss. (Ollie's talking to the Factory Woman.) Sorry, what? Who-Who are you?
(to Christian) Well, you-you do talk to your dad?
Ollie
(on his cell) Well, how did you get...
(to Christian) NO, YOU FUCKING DON'T! That is the wrong answer! The wrong fucking answer!
Ollie
(on his cell) Please don't be aggressive. I will call back.
(to Christian) You tell your corporate affairs people. Otherwise, I'm gonna come over there and fucking maim every single fucking one of them. Okay? Good to see you. All right? Well done, Christian.
(Malcolm and Jamie are about to give Ollie an important mission...)
(to Ollie) We need you to fuck Hugh for us. (beat) Okay?
Ollie
(reluctantly) Okay.
(to Ollie) I need you to go over to Mark Davies at ITN, right? They're 50/50 on bumping Hugh up to top of the bill with the Piss Woman, right? Can you sort that out for me? (Ollie agrees) Good lad. Okay, see you later.
Ollie
(seeing a bag of chips from a bin on his chair) Oh nice, very nice.
WELL GO FOR FUCK'S SAKE, YOU BIG FUCKING PRICK! I'LL CUT YOUR FUCKING EARS OFF, WE NEED IT DONE!
Ollie
When I met you this morning, I thought you were the nice Scot!
Ollie
Fuck's sake. (Ollie answers his phone) Oliver Reeder.
Have you sorted it, Ollie?
Ollie
It's not quite sorted just yet, Malcolm, it's difficult –
Shall I send Jamie over? Would you like that?
Ollie
No, no –
You and Jamie and a rubber truncheon, locked in that fucking newsroom together.
Ollie
No, I'm fine.
Then make me happy. Bring me sunshine.
Ollie
Right, I'll make you happy, Malcolm. (Ollie hangs up) Dickwad. (Ollie's phone rings again. He answers it) Oliver Reeder.
Hey all right, shitebag, you done it yet?
Ollie
I'm just in the middle of doing it right now, but every time I try –
WELL, FUCKING HURRY UP! GET OFF THE FUCKING PHONE!
Ollie
(Ollie hangs up) Fuck's sake! (His phone rings yet again. He answers) I'm fucking doing it! I'm just – Sorry Emma, yeah, hi. I'm stuck in that meeting about equal pay. It's just – it's gone over. But, uh, but - Hey, you know, tonight. Are we still on? (beat) Yeah. Yeah, Solaris, here we come. Bye.
(In the Number 10 Newsroom, Malcolm and the team are about to watch the ITN News.)
All right, folks, here we go.
(The top story on the news is about Hugh's disastrous factory visit.)
NANews Announcer
Tonight, dramatic pictures...
(The newsroom office cheers.)
NANews Announcer
...of voter anger over the NHS.
(happily) Anything other than Number One spot is a big win.
NANews Announcer
...spin doctor thought our tape had stopped running.
(Sure enough, Ollie's cell phone pic of Glenn appears on the TV screen...with the sound of Glenn getting mad.)
CAN YOU PLEASE SHUT UP FOR ONE F$%@#!G MINUTE?
(quite amused) Oh oh oh, he is so fucked! (to Ollie) Hey, good photo.
Ollie
Yeah. Well, you know, it's a good phone.
What fantastic landscaping...
(More howls of laughter emanate from the newsroom.)
(deleted scene)
Oh, don't worry about Malcolm, he's only about half as scary as he thinks he is. Well, here, you can have this desk, it's free.
Ollie
OK.
Don't worry, she won't be coming back. Hey, Joe, Joe! This guy is your replacement. I'm not fucking joking, by the way. Ollie, this is Frankie. Frankie, this is Ollie. (Ollie extends his hand to Frankie, who ignores it) Frankie, I don't know what happened, but I somehow – you know those numbers I asked you for? I never found them on my desk. Maybe somebody stole them. Or, maybe, maybe, you're fucking me around. And if you fuck me around again, I'll tell you something: (laughs slightly) I am going to rip your fucking head off, and shit right down into your neck, (grabs Frankie's head) and then I'm going to stick your FUCKING head back on, and SHIT ON THAT!
(At the start of this episode, Hugh is talking on his cell phone to someone about the impending "Cabinet Reshuffle.")
(on his cell phone) No, Derek. I'm not presuming anything. It's entirely up to the PM. I'll just go wherever he wants me to go. I'm gonna have to go. Bye-bye.
(Next, Hugh and Ollie, who's right behind him, both meet up with Robyn and congratulate her on getting a place at Malcolm's 8:30 press meeting.)
(cheekily smiling) Morning, Minister.
Are you just off to your 8:30 with Malcolm?
Into the Lion's Den, Viper's Pit.
"The Belly of the Beast, the Lair of the White Worm."
Ollie
The Eye of the Snake.
Not all the departments get asked to the 8:30, so...
A great honor that we are in there with the big hitters. Always best to be inside the tent, pissing out.
Ollie
Absolutely. If you were, you know, doing this over at Environment and Rural Affairs, you'd be, uh, at 8:30 you'd be very much outside the tent, wouldn't you? Probably at Coffee Republic.
Covered in piss. Good luck. You'll be fine. You don't need good luck. Yeah.
(reassuring Robyn) No no no, it's just a figure of speech.
Ollie
See you later, Robyn.
Ollie
(looking at his cell phone) I'm sure there's a way of...
(chasing after Robyn) Robyn!
(Hugh just remembered to ask Robyn a question.)
(whispering to Robyn) Robyn, sorry. Could you try and pick up any signals you can from Malcolm about -- about the, um...about the reshuffle?
I've really got to go now, because I don't want to be late.
Yeah, God, don't be late!
Apparently, they shout things at the last one in.
(entering the scene) If anyone shouts at you, they'll have to answer to me. I'll box his ears.
(Robyn leaves)
(to Glenn) Box his ears? If that was flirting, that was absolutely crap.
Box his ears? How long is it since you've had sex?
That is between me and my internet service provider. Anyway, about this morning's –
Ollie
(chuckling) You've actually gone red, Glenn. Look at you.
Yeah, you have. Look, you've gone red.
I have not gone red. (points to his folder) That's red.
Ollie
Yeah!
Look, he can hardly walk properly.
Ollie
Robyn, can you send these back to archives, 'cause they're not even highlighted, I'm not going to plough through all that myself. While you're talking to them, I need the last four months of the European Digest. I'm going to be moving –
Is it 'cause you fancy me, is that what this is all about?
Ollie
Sorry?
Why are you so bloody rude to me? I mean, that's got to be the reason. Other people, when they come in here, they knock on the door and they say "hello", "good morning", "thank you" and "nice top" sometimes.
Ollie
Right, um, well, no. I mean, for a start, I don't fancy you. I don't know where you got that in your head, but it's probably best to get it out. If I'm slightly polite to you on a semi-regular basis, will that in any way bypass it?
I think that would definitely do it.
Ollie
Right, fantastic. Well, thank you very much for the work you do; hi, by the way, how are you?
I'm really well, actually.
Ollie
Great, that's great; you look lovely; can I have the fucking Digest, please? That would be terrific.
All you had to do was ask me.
Ollie
Yeah, well, all I did do is ask. (Robyn bends down to get something) Phwoar! (She gets up and stares at Ollie) It was a joke.
(Hugh and Ollie are discussing the latest Cabinet meeting.)
I did mention your great quiet carriages thing and he just – (pulls a slightly disgusted face)
Ollie
Well what does that mean?
Fuck knows what it means, but I don't think it means, "Oh, Hugh, you're fantastic. Here, become Home Secretary". And even if it did mean that, when he's in bed tonight with Mrs PM, flossing, then she'll say, "What do you mean, Hugh Abbot as Home Secretary? The man is a social spastic and very probably a registered nonce, darling."
(Discussing Julius Nicholson)
Can't we just kill him, shoot him?
Ollie
What about we just fire him at a wall from a cannon. Just a wall two feet away.
I know, we force feed him with a mixture of garlic and Dettol in Cup-a-Soup.
What about the old red-hot poker up the arse? Edward II?
(Julius walks in)
Ollie
I'd like to nail him to a tree through the head and watch lice slowly crawl over his body, eating off the flesh in a slow and painful death, (having already noticed Julius) but that rather bitter anomaly aside, most of the responses to the Warwick report press cuttings were pretty positive.
Glenn (entering): Oh, God, here we go again. Yeah, like Glenn, what?
Well, I was just saying, the last time you saw a snatch was...
Ollie
Basic Instinct.
You see, that's good. That's the kind of repartee I need with the PM's wife. It's that final k-tsssss! you see, that's the bit I'm missing.
Yeah, well, I think you could drop the snatch material with the PM's wife, don't you?
Well, OK, between the snatch and the Euro there's some sort of happy medium.Malcolm (on the phone): He is not getting anywhere near my fucking pantry, I tell you that. That door is staying as open as a fat whore's bonehole.Hugh: Sorry I'm late, traffic was an absolute bitch. No offence, Robyn.
The Thick Of It · 395 quotes
