Ollie Reeder quotes from The Thick Of It

Julius

It's Paul Webster, US Economics Secretary of State. He's unexpectedly coming over, and the Treasury are hosting a bash for him this evening. Don't tell me you've not been invited.

Hugh

Yes, no, I have. It's just that I'm actually bashing myself tonight.

Julius

So you – you've got your own bash here?

Hugh

Uh yeah.

Ollie

Yeah.

Julius

Ah! Back up, everybody, put the brakes on! We've got a bash happening here tonight and at the Treasury?

Hugh

Yeah. It sounds complicated but I like to, um, maximise my face.

Malcolm

Right, guys, thanks very much for staying on. Julius Nicholson, right?

Glenn

Yep.

Malcolm

Blue sky thinker? Ex-business guru? Dog rapist?

Hugh

Quite possibly.

Malcolm

He's being a nuisance to me; he also has got plans to squeeze your department so hard you'll be lucky if you're left with one bollock between the three of you. So all I am doing here is asking you, formally, if you will join me in a little bit of a circle jerk.

Hugh

Circle jerk? What?

Ollie

It's when a lot of guys in a circle all, you know. (to Malcolm) Well, I assume you don't mean literally, do you? Presumably?

Hugh

Glenn, the Special Needs Bill. With your, you know, particular interest, I can't do this.

Glenn

You know my views, you know. Inclusion is an illusion. It doesn't work.

Hugh

But you-you don't mind if I -- if I go ahead with it?

Glenn

Of course not. You know, look...you're only following orders.

Hugh

Oh, thanks. So you won't make me feel bad except by comparing me to a concentration camp guard?

Glenn

No. Right. Yeah.

Hugh

Now, tomorrow. Select Committee, that's Ballantine, isn't it?

Ollie

(to Hugh and Glenn) Sorry, I'm sorry to interrupt. Who wants to go and watch Bollockvision?

Hugh

Bollockvision?

Ollie

Mr. Malcolm Tucker, turning it all the way up to eleven, down in the lobby. Come and have a look.

Hugh

Oh, poor Keith. Malcolm must fucking love this place: Four ministers in one building. It's his dream, a one-stop bollock-shop.

Glenn

Trouble is, we're gonna be getting some of that in about an hour.

Hugh

Yeah. I don't know which is worse, watching him slowly rumble towards you like prostate cancer, or him appearing suddenly out of nowhere like a severe stroke.

Hugh

Oh. How's your sister coping?

Glenn

So, Hugh, this -- this new word, 'Citizenship.' Did the PM actually outline what it entails?

Hugh

Well, to be honest, I think he was making the reshuffle up as he-as he went along, and I think we were very lucky that 'Citizenship' was the first word that sprang to mind. Otherwise we could be the Department for Social Affairs and Woodland Folk.

Ollie

See, the problem is, though, Hugh, that there's been a bit of a rush with you not in place. Uh, you know, every department trying to unload all the stuff that they didn't want. But it's been like somebody driving a lorry down Whitehall, shouting "Bring out your shit." And they have and it's ended up at our door.

Hugh

So what are we getting?

Ollie

Citizenship basically involves, uh, cutting pensions to the Ghurkhas, rejigging the protocols for a rabies outbreak, some crap from Health about long-term care for the elderly that neither they nor we have any real idea about.

Glenn

And what to do with the Isle of Man.

Hugh

(annoyed) Just what I fucking need. Five new ways to lose my job.

Hugh

Where did that come from?

Ollie

Oh, Malcolm sent that.

Hugh

It's far too big. Why-why did he send it?

Ollie

Uh, office warming present.

Hugh

So why did he send us a present?

Ollie

I don't know.

Hugh

Has Security checked this?

Ollie

What for? Tiny little terrorists?

Hugh

Yes.

Ollie

(annoyed) It's a plant! Yes?!

Hugh

(moving on) Okay, so...citizenshit. What we need to do is knock together some nice, touchy-feely, fondley, sneaky, hand-in-the-bra sort of policies.

Glenn

New bicycles for special constables, that sort of thing?

Hugh

Yeah.

Ollie

Making special needs kids clean up graffiti?

Hugh

(displeased) Yeah, that's just very mean.

Ollie

Well, yes. Not, of course, as mean as making them spell "graffiti." That genuinely is very mean.

Glenn

(to Hugh, calmly but not happily) I'll go and have a word with Malcolm.

Ollie

Okay.

Hugh

You just took a shit with your clothes on, Ollie.

Ollie

Why?

Hugh

Glenn's boy, Peter. He went to a special needs school.

Ollie

Oh.

Hugh

Yep.

Ollie

...Glenn's had sex?

Hugh

God, you're such a prick, Ollie.

Ollie

It's just a joke!

Hugh

There's more to life, you know, than drinks parties at the Foreign Office and having Nick Robinson's mobile number on your fucking BlackBerry!

Ollie

Yes. All right, all right, fine. Sorry, Hugh. I feel for the guy. I had a girlfriend with special needs once, so I know. (smiles smugly) Luckily, I was able to fulfill them.

Ollie

Good spot for a suicide, this, I would think: good long drop, appreciative audience.

Robyn

What if you just broke your back? You know, you'd be paralysed for life and then you'd still be depressed about the thing that was depressing you in the first place.

Terri

What are these, um, hangy-down things?

Ollie

Oh, they're acoustic baffles, they stop it getting too echoey in here.

Robyn

So when you're breaking your back, nobody can hear you screaming?

Ollie

Well, that is the kind of attention to detail that you get in a PFI building.

Malcolm

(spotting them from the ground floor) HEY! GET BACK TO WORK, ALL OF YOU!

Ollie

How was that?

Hugh

I lied to the Select Committee. I lied! Is Tucker in the building?

Ollie

Malcolm in the Middle.

Hugh

What?

Ollie

It's just what they're calling him now, 'cause he can stand in the middle of the atrium and just shout at all the departments.

Hugh

Well I don't want to see him, not at the moment, I can't take one of his scenes from The Exorcist just now.

Glenn

Look, I don't think Ballentine's on to anything.

Hugh

Oh no? No? Well, why did she keep asking, 'Just one expert? Only one? Not two experts? Less than three but not two?' The fucking bitch.

Glenn

It's her style, look, she's just trying to throw you off balance like a sumo wrestler.

Hugh

Well it worked: there I was on the floor in a big fucking nappy.

I'm sorry, can you stop swearing please?

Malcolm

I'm really sorry, you won't hear any more swearing from us, YOU MASSIVE, GAY, SHITE!!! FUCK OFF! (to Ollie) Right, how are you doing in sorting out whether or not he lied or not, are you OK?

Ollie

Pretty well, yeah.

Malcolm

Is that a lie?

Ollie

Yeah.

Malcolm

That is not fucking funny, you retard. I'm sorry about that, Glenn. The situation just –

Ollie

I'm extremely impressed. I'm highly impressed that you're going to see the leader of your party.

Good. You should be impressed.

Ollie

Although, ultimately, the leader of your party is just a man, really, isn't he? He's just a guy.

Emma

Ah, now that's a good point, actually, because yours on the other hand is...

Ollie

No no no no. Mine is...

Emma

What?

Ollie

...the leader of the country also. What I'm saying is if we were playing Top Trumps, which we kind of are...

Emma

Oh, cor, we absolutely are, Ollie.

Ollie

I win.

Emma

Right. So it's Ben Swain Day today, is it?

Ollie

Yes. A Nutter in our midst. A junior minister for me to push around, you know. That's nice, isn't it? A bit more power for me.

Emma

You are an extremely powerful man, Ollie.

Ollie

Very powerful, very attractive sexually, due to all this power.

Jamie

Hey, Poxbridge!

Malcolm

Hello!

Jamie

Hey, dickhead! Happy New Queer!

Malcolm

I'm really sorry, but I – don't be so offensive. I do apologise for my friend's behaviour. Did you have a nice Poof-mas?

Ollie

What are you two, um, doing round Richmond Terrace then?

Jamie

Oh, we're slumming it. Just going to see Julius, the big baldy ballbag. (to Emma) You must be, you, what is it? Gemma? Gemma?

Emma

Emma. It's Emma.

Jamie

Emma. Hi, Emma.

Malcolm

(to Ollie) What are you doing down here?

Ollie

I'm babysitting Ben Swain for the day.

Malcolm

Could you water my spider plants in my office as well? (to Emma) He's very good with the watering can. Very very bright lad. Homemaker.

Emma

I'll see you later.

Ollie

Yeah, see you later. (Ollie rushes inside to catch up with Jamie and Malcolm.)

Jamie

(to Ollie) So, the girlfriend, she-she doesn't mind the whole, uh, you being gay thing?

Malcolm

(to Ollie) Did you take her home for Christmas?

Ollie

No. God, no. I couldn't do that.

Malcolm

Oh no, you couldn't do that, 'cause she wouldn't fit in. 'Cause you're that right dyed-in-the-wool working class, aren't you? She's probably allergic to pit ponies.

Malcolm

(to Ollie) Where's My Little Phony? Ben Swain. What's his Newsnight angle gonna be, then?

Ollie

Ben? Ben is going on Newsnight?

Malcolm

(chuckling) Oh, you're a right little West Winger, you, aren't you? They're cutting you out of the loop already?

Ollie

Well, I'll check who the presenter is and obviously...

Jamie

The presenter is Newsbot 3.2. He's a nobody. He's a fucking scorch mark.

Malcolm

Paxo's in Kenya fly-fishing with Stephen Fry or whatever the fuck it is he does. Kirsty is sobering up in Kilmarnock with her gran, so she's out of the picture.

Ollie

Well, I'll just check the lines with Pat Morrissey, then. And then we'll...

Jamie

Pat Morrissey?

Ollie

Yeah.

Jamie

Her? What, Fat Pat?

Ollie

Yeah.

Jamie

"Pumpkin Tits?"

Ollie

Yeah. Pat and, uh, Communications have asked that everything be double-ticked through her from now. (to Malcolm) I mean, you get a tick as well. Obviously.

Malcolm

(sarcastically) Oh well, well obviously! Yes, that's-that's very very nice and that's very fucking big of them! I get a tick!

Ollie

So I mean, it's, it's two ticks for a, uh, a green light, basically, that's the system.

Malcolm

(beside himself) Pat Morrissey. Communications is full of Nutters these days.

Jamie

Soon as the PM said he'd be gone inside a year, the Nutters start popping up like mela-fucking-noma.

Malcolm

(to Ollie) See you later. See you in a tick.

Jamie

(to Ollie) What about you? You're not a Nutter, are you?

Ollie

I-I'm not a Nutter, Jamie. I'm...I'm a nipper.

Ollie

Hey, Terri!

Terri

Hi, Ollie, Happy New Year!

Ollie

How was Christmas?

Terri

Oh, you know...

Ollie

Yeah, I know, yeah. Six pairs of socks, three Harry Potter omnibuses. All that "I thought you were taking the giblets out. Don't give Nan any more Baileys. She's only got the one pad with her." (Ollie follows Terri into an office.) Every bloody year.

Terri

Yeah, well, you know, just me and Mum in the care home.

Ollie

Right. Jesus...So, eh, Ben on Newsnight?

Terri

Ben Swain's going on Newsnight?

Ollie

Yeah, yeah. Oh, God, thank God you didn't know, either. I thought it was just me.

Terri

Oh no no no. I did know about that, actually.

Ollie

Well, why did you say it like that, then? "Ben Swain's going on Newsnight?"

Terri

You're just out of the loop. I'm very well wired into the Tommists.

Ollie

(laughing) Nobody calls them Tommists. They're Nutters, Terri. Nobody calls them Tommists.

Terri

(dead serious) I don't like that word. My sister works in mental health.

Ben Swain

Morning, all!

Terri

Benjamin! Happy New Year!

Ollie

Ben! Big Ben, Ben-Benji, Beno, Benj.

Ben

Happy New Year to you as well.

Glenn

(to Ben) These are the briefing notes.

Ben

Ah, splendid. I'll file these directly in the shredder. Thank you, Glenn.

Glenn

(to Ben) If you just, uh, stick to what's in there, you'll be all right. Just remember, you're the night watchman, all right?

Ben

Yes, well, I like to think of myself as more, perhaps, I don't know, an elected MP than a night watchman, Glenn. But thank you very much for everything, I'll be fine without you holding my hand. You enjoy your weekend cottaging in Wales or whatever it is you're up to.

Ollie

(impressed) This is looking good. When is it coming out?

Ben

End of the, end of the week. You'll be able to make the launch party?

Terri

(to Ben) Great title.

Ben

Thank you.

Ollie

And have you written it yourself or was it ghosted by, uh...

Ben

By Victoria Beckham? No, everything in there is entirely-entirely written by me, I think you'll find. Yes.

Ollie

There you go, you have hidden talents.

Ben

Anyone heard from "The Hughster?"

Terri

Yes, he's suffering from jet lag.

Ollie

(to Ben) Have you ever been to Australia?

Ben

No. Why would I want to go there? Full of people in khaki, squinting. Just the world's largest collection of poisonous things.

Ollie

Oh, yeah. God, yeah. If you want to stick around with poisonous snakes, you might as well stay here.

Ollie

(jokingly) Throw a blanket on me, I'm on fire.

Ben

Heh-heh, good.

Glenn

Listen, Ollie. We may be babysitting a Nutter. He may look like a Womble, but he's got Nutter eyes and Nutter ears. So, keep an eye on him.

Ollie

All right, the minute any chicken blood turns up on the paperwork, I'll be straight on to you, don't worry.

Glenn

Right, I'm off to Wales and the late 1950s.

Ollie

Happy trails.

Phil

Why the fuck do you have to keep inviting him round here?

Emma

Oh, are you a bit jealous?

Phil

Of the man from the Mr Muscle adverts? No, I just think it's just unreasonable that I have to watch what I'm gonna say in my own flat; I mean, you could at least give me warning if he's coming round or something.

Emma

I tell you what, I'll put a sex grid on the fridge.

Phil

Oh, yeah.

Emma

So that you can have dates and stuff: I'll put an A4 piece of paper for me up, and maybe you could have half a post-it note? You could share it with Affers, maybe.

Phil

Yeah. Have to write really small, though, I've slept with three women in –

Ollie

(returning from the toilet) Your life?

Phil

Yes.

Emma

What's he doing with his eyes?

Ollie

Oh my God. He's got a nervous blink.

Malcolm

That's a mega blink! It's not just a blink.

Ollie

He looks like what happens when you punch a cow. (impersonates a cow mooing in pain)

Phil

Oh my God, this is like watching a lion rape a sheep, but in a bad way.

Jamie

The cameramen are laughing.

Ollie

"J-j-j-j-just"!

Emma

Stop him, stop him!

Ollie

He spelled "just" with four Js!

Malcolm

He's like a chicken, he's like an enormous chicken!

Phil

It's just one word he's been saying, which is basically (gibberish).

Jamie

Well, what about the coalface?

Malcolm

Pull it, puncture his lifebelt. Pull it, give him the signal. If he shits, I'll give you 500 quid.

Ollie

Well he certainly looked like a Nutter.

Emma

He looked like that little guy on the green that shouts 'You're an Arab' at everyone.

Phil

It's a tough day tomorrow, picking bits of Ben out of Malcolm's car.

Ollie

He didn't mention the coalface idea.

Jamie

(impersonating Ben) 'I, I, I wish you wouldn't keep saying that, I, I, I –' (normal voice) What's your favourite band, blink-182?

Jamie

That's not a proper cigar: a proper cigar is those big Cuban whoppers, that's just a jumped-up fag.

Malcolm

Talking of which –

Hey!

Jamie

Is it Rag Week?

Malcolm

Do you fancy a cigar? I promise I won't tell any of the other prefects.

Jamie

Hand rolled on the thigh of a Cuban virgin with big tits and four kids.

Ollie

Yeah, thanks. Um, Malcolm, I just wondered if I could have a quick word, actually. The opposition have got the Week at the Coalface idea. They're gonna do it.

Jamie

Who, when?

Ollie

Peter Mannion, I don't know when.

Malcolm

How the fuck did they get that? Your fucking girlfriend, Jesus Christ!

Jamie

You should have dumped that mad bitch ages ago.

Ollie

Well I would've done! She is mad, she's a mental woman! But you two kept telling me to go out with her and stay going out with her, just in case I found anything out!

Jamie

Oh, and what did you find out? That you've been leaking intelligence to them? You're the fucking shittest James Bond ever. You're... you're David fucking Niven!

Malcolm

Get him properly fucking screen-tested. I'm sorry mate, but you need a lot of powder, I've never seen anybody look so fucking ugly with just one head.

Ben

Yeah. No, I lost my islands of safety, didn't I, which is –

Malcolm

And who was it that did your media training? Myra Hindley? I mean, it was terrible, all this – hands were all over the place. You were like a sweaty octopus trying to unhook a bra! It was like watching John Leslie at work!

Ben

Yes, I know all of that, and it just kind of fell away. God, it was like one of those dreams when you're wandering around Covent Garden or something in just your vest and everyone's staring at you.

Jamie

I think it was much worse than that, I mean, how many people see you in Covent Garden, a few thousand? Your meltdown was witnessed by 1.2 million people. That's more people than saw Al Jolson in his entire career. And that's Al fucking Jolson!

Malcolm

He loves Al Jolson.

Jamie

The Governor!

Ollie

'Maaammy.'

Jamie

You take the piss out of Jolson again, and I will remove your iPod from its tiny nano-sheath, and push it up your cock! And then I'll plug some speakers up your arse, and put it onto shuffle with my fucking fist! And every time I hear something that I don't like, which will be every time that something comes on, I will skip to the next track (to Ben) by crushing your balls!