Glenn Cullen quotes from The Thick Of It

Glenn

Listen, Ollie. We may be babysitting a Nutter. He may look like a Womble, but he's got Nutter eyes and Nutter ears. So, keep an eye on him.

Ollie

All right, the minute any chicken blood turns up on the paperwork, I'll be straight on to you, don't worry.

Glenn

Right, I'm off to Wales and the late 1950s.

Ollie

Happy trails.

Malcolm

Hugh is not coming back: it would look like we're panicking, and we're not panicking. But I need you back here fucking ASAP to let them know that we're not panicking.

Glenn

So you want me to interrupt my holiday in a panic, so that Hugh doesn't have to interrupt his holiday and look like he's panicking?

Malcolm

You get back here! I wanna see you popping a bollock for me! (hangs up)

Jamie

(walking in, holding up the same 'Silly Tucker' story) You seen this?

Malcolm

No, I haven't seen that. I'm the senior press guy for the Government of Great Britain and Northern Ireland. No, I don't look at the newspapers, that's fucking news to me.

Jamie

All right, all right. What are we doing?

Malcolm

What are we doing? Fuck all, we're not doing nothing, all right, because I am not the story here.

Jamie

Well, no, you kind of are the story, Malc: they spelt your name right and everything.

Malcolm

No, it's too fucking late. What's he gonna do, come and shadow the shadow of DoSAC shadowing him? Show him where the bogs are?

Glenn

Yeah, but you told me to tell him to come home.

Malcolm

Did I?

Glenn

Yeah!

Malcolm

What is the problem?

Ollie

He's on some road somewhere where he can't do a U-turn for about five miles or something.

Malcolm

Good! I like to know that I can still make him miserable even though he's 12,000 miles away.

Malcolm

Has anybody seen Jamie?

Glenn

Why, have you lost him?

Ollie

Oh, don't tell me he's gone feral, 'cause he was fucking terrifying when you had him on the leash!

Malcolm

Let's not overreact.

Ollie

Easy for you to say, he threatened to shove an iPod up my cock!

Malcolm

But you get that a lot, though, don't you?

Glenn

You don't think he's got a chance, do you?

Ollie

Nah, he's just a droid, isn't he? He's just – (makes robotic noises and gestures)

Malcolm

(lecturing Ollie) Hey hey hey hey. Don't-don't-don't let him hear you doing that sort of stuff. What happens if he does stand a chance, eh? He'll fuck you harder than Ron Jeremy, and with less warmth.

Glenn

And then, Liam said that someone suggested that Tom should go on Strictly Come Dancing.

Ollie

He can barely even walk properly. He looks like he shat himself the whole time.

Glenn

He often has.

Robyn

Right, um, Jamie. Look, I just have to say at this point that I do find him just a little bit frightening.

Malcolm

Relax, he has never hit anyone. Or at least, anyone he has hit has never had the balls to take it to a superior. (Robyn still looks terrified) It's a fucking joke. It's a joke, OK? The man is a professional, you will be fine.

Glenn

Actually, Malcolm? We still have no word on Dan Miller. I mean, he's gone dark, he's not answering his phone –

Malcolm

Maybe he's in a hotel with his own huddle. Ring around, try and find him.

Glenn

What, ring every hotel in London and ask if Dan Miller's booked in?

Malcolm

Yeah! Although he could be using an assumed name.

Glenn

So you want me to ring round every hotel in London, and ask if anyone, of any name, has booked in?

Malcolm

Well it will keep you busy, you know, you need to keep the mind active at your age.

Jamie

OK, the line is: wildcat walkout, we'll be talking to the unions, it's too early to comment. Off the record: er, union Neanderthals with brains the size of children's bogies couldn't take the heat of Hugh Abbot's ring-stinging, shit-hot, public sector reforms, but he's flying back like Harrison Ford with a big whip in one hand and a skinny latte in the other and he's gonna whip six shades of shit out of them and save the world, OK?

Malcolm

And obviously if you do think about running with this pills story –

Adam Kenyon

Yeah.

Malcolm

I will personally fucking eviscerate you, right?

Adam Kenyon

Right.

Malcolm

And I mean, I don't have your education, I don't know what that means, but I will start by ripping your cock off and I'll busk it from there, okay?

Adam Kenyon

Good, thank you, again.

Malcolm

Talk to you later.

Adam Kenyon

Cheers. Bye bye now. (Hangs up. To Angela) He's a nice guy.

Jamie

(to Terri and Robyn) Oh hey, Desperate Housewives, have you found out who's leaking yet?

Glenn

I have. It's Julius! He's just told me –

Jamie

Wait, no, what – That – Julius?

Glenn

Yeah.

Jamie

Nicholson? That baldy PUSSY? Well, I tell you, if he thinks he's leaking now, wait to see him when I'm finished with him: he'll look like fucking Mel Gibson's Jesus! FUCK! FUCK, FUCK! FUCK!

Julius

Why don't I get something in? A man cannot live on Jaffa Cakes alone, obviously. I've tried.

Adam Kenyon

What's the news, just –

Angela Heaney

What?

Adam Kenyon

Just tell me what the fucking news is and I'll put it on the front page. It's not like we're The Independent, we can't just stick a headline saying 'Cruelty' and then stick a picture of a dolphin or a whale underneath it. I mean, that's just fucking cheating, that's rubbish.

Angela Heaney

Well, what I'm hearing is Ben Swain.

Adam Kenyon

Ben Swain?

Angela Heaney

Yeah.

Adam Kenyon

Right, I literally don't know who he is. I'm not being stupid or anything, but I physically don't know who Ben Swain is. He could be the leader of the Special Boat Squadron –

Angela Heaney

Service.

Adam Kenyon

The Special Boat Service or whatever it's fucking called, and this could be a massive coup.

Angela Heaney

Ben Swain is what I'm hearing.

Jamie

Nicholson! NICHOLSON! The immigration shit. It was you, wasn't it? You mimsy bastard Quisling leak fuck!

Julius

Sorry, what are you talking about?

Jamie

Yeah yeah yeah, you will be sorry, you inflatable cock. You fucking sold us out, didn't you? DENY IT!

Julius

Well, James, I can't deny something until I have the actual charge presented to me –

Jamie

(impersonating Julius) 'Oh oh oh, the actual charge.' (normal voice) You mean apart from the charge you're gonna get when I clamp jump leads to your baldy bollocks? Okay, okay, okay! You, Julius Nicholson, being of sound mind, but with a body that looks like a giant sex toy, did knowingly do us up the shithole, by passing confidential information to the enemy! And I am gonna have your guts as a skipping rope, and your lungs sun-dried and turned into a little fucking waistcoat!

Julius

James, technically it was not a leak, because firstly it's not confidential infor–

Malcolm

Eat that prawn. Eat that fucking prawn.

Julius

I'm not eating prawns, Malcolm, I'm on – I'm just telling you –

Malcolm

Eat that prawn. (throws a slice of pizza at Julius) Eat a bit of fucking pizza.

Julius

Don't be stupid. Malcolm –

Malcolm

Eat another prawn. (throws a prawn)

Julius

Stop it!

Malcolm

(throws more food) Have some fucking chow mein!

Julius

Malcolm –

Jamie

Here, stuff it in his fucking head! Stuff it in his big baby head!

Malcolm

(to Ollie, who has just returned with some cheese) Get that fucking cheese over there!

Jamie

EAT THE CHEESE!

Julius

I don't want the cheese, stop it!

Glenn

Go on, have some!

Jamie

(throwing food at Julius) EAT THE CHEESE! EAT THE FUC–

Julius

(being pelted by Malcolm and Ollie) This isn't funny, this is an expensive suit! James, just –

Jamie

Fuck!

Julius

What the fuck are you doing, mate? (runs out of the door)

Malcolm

Hey hey hey, right!

Jamie

EAT THE FUCKING CHEESE! (chasing after Julius) EAT THE CHEESE, NICHOLSON!

Glenn

Fucking hell! Fuck! Jesus. I'm not a joke, okay? All right? Hello? I am a man! I am a man, you know? You know?! This... THIS...! THIS IS MY LIFE! I'M A HUMAN BEING, AND ALL THIS IS MY LIFE! And it's collapsing in front of me! You know, Tom's lot, they're never gonna want me, are they? And fucking Hugh, now he – Jesus Christ, this is all...! I AM A MAN! And –

Terri

I know, listen –

Glenn

No you don't –

Terri

I do!

Glenn

I'm irrelevant! No no, go away, I'm irrelevant, I'm irrelevant, I'm irrelevant.

Terri

Glenn, Glenn, Glenn –

Glenn

FUCKING HUGH JUST WANTS TO SPEAK TO TINKY WINKY?! WELL, FUCK TINKY WINKY! FUCK YOU, TINKY WINKY! Auf Wiedersehen Pet, the party's over, Goodbye Yellow Brick Road! WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT HITLER?! WELL, HE HAD A MOUSTACHE AND HE LIVED OVER THERE! FUCK US ALL!

Glenn

I've been leaking for 27 years, I know how it's done, I leaked it!

Ollie

You don't leak! Well not from the mouth, anyway.

Malcolm

You fucking shut up. At least this is Hugh's Glenn. All that you are, mate, is fucking Ben's Glenn.

Ollie

Guardian Online, right?

Glenn

Yes.

Ollie

I notice they got Tom to do the questionnaire.

Glenn

What, trying to make himself look more like a human being and less like a calculator with Aspergers? What does he say?

Ollie

'When were you happiest?' 'At the birth of my son.'

Glenn

Bollocks, he wasn't even at the birth of his son. Actually no, he was in an all-night sitting of the Communications Bill, fast asleep. And his sister-in-law woke him with a text.

Ollie

'What was the last CD you bought?' 'The Scissor Sisters'. (Glenn laughs.) And do we believe him? 'Which living person do you most admire?'

Glenn

Er, well that's tough. Nelson Mandela?

Ollie

Correct! I think you just press F5 for that one, to be absolutely honest with you. 'How do you relax?' 'Cannabis and wanking'?

Glenn

He hasn't.

Ollie

No of course he hasn't, you idiot, 'Listening to opera'.

Glenn

Oh, right.

Ollie

While wanking.

Why tonight of all fucking nights, why tonight?

Malcolm Tucker

Oh well, that's easy: Tucker's Law. 'If some cunt can fuck something up, that cunt will pick the worst possible time to fucking fuck up because that cunt's a cunt.' I've got that embroidered on a tea towel at home.

Glenn

Well. That's Hugh gone, then.

Terri

It's so sad, isn't it? Hugh.

Glenn

Yeah.

Ollie

(to Terri) You don't give a shit!

Terri

...No, well, perhaps I don't.

Ollie

Northern Ireland office, Tom Rudd. Who's Tom Rudd? Tom Rudd?

Terri

Isn't he in Harry Potter?

Glenn

Tom Rudd is army slang for standing-up buggery.

Ollie

Right.

Terri

(to Glenn and Ollie) Have you two finished emptying your desks yet?

Glenn

(agitated) Yes, don't worry, Terri, we're all ready to go.

Terri

I'm just trying to get everything organised for whenever whoever arrives. They are gonna have their own people. It's gonna be very embarrassing if your hand cream's still in the drawer.

Glenn

Hand cream?

Terri

Yeah, well, whatever men have. I don't know, electric nose-hair trimmers, Ex-Lax...

Ollie

(mocking Glenn) Aww, look at Glenn. Your face...On the scrapheap at the tender age of 76? It's no life for you, is it, Glenn, this? Hey, do you want me to call Dignitas? (beat) I could call Indignitas. They could come round and shove you out of the window dressed as a clown.

Nicola

My primary focus is social mobility, that's very much my -- my Big Thing.

Ollie

Right.

Nicola

And I suppose I'm telling you that, really, partly to get your take on it and also so that you can, you know, start spreading the news and printing the posters and, uh, you know, fire up the turbo chargers, set the phases to equality: It's Murray time!

Glenn

The thing is – and Ollie, please correct me here if I'm wrong.

Ollie

I will certainly do that.

Glenn

Social mobility, making people richer, costs money.

Ollie

Yes, and we don't have any of that, really.

Nicola

Right.

Ollie

I mean, if you speak to Nick at the Treasury he will tell you the same, only with his annoying lisp.

Nicola

What you're telling me is that basically I'm gonna be a woman with a computer and some pens.

Ollie

Well, it's just a pen budget.

Nicola

I mean, I have about as much real power as those twats who sit either side of Alan Sugar.

Ollie

Well – Yes.