Scenes with Glenn Cullen 129
(Hugh and Glenn are finally back from the disastrous factory visit, talking about...piss.)
GlennWhat?
Ever cleaned up your own mother's piss?
Glenn
No, I never knew my mother, Hugh. As you know.
Sorry. Have you--have you ever cleaned up your stepmother's piss?
Glenn
No, I never cleaned her piss. It wasn't that kind of relationship.
No, nor me. Though I have to say, I've done Alicia's piss and Charlie's piss. I mean, you know, loads, loads of it. But, you know, it's only piss. It's -- Yeah, thanks. I mean, she was going on as if it was some sort of toxic waste or something, but it's, what's a bit of piss?
(In the Number 10 Newsroom, Malcolm and the team are about to watch the ITN News.)
All right, folks, here we go.
(The top story on the news is about Hugh's disastrous factory visit.)
NANews Announcer
Tonight, dramatic pictures...
(The newsroom office cheers.)
NANews Announcer
...of voter anger over the NHS.
(happily) Anything other than Number One spot is a big win.
NANews Announcer
...spin doctor thought our tape had stopped running.
(Sure enough, Ollie's cell phone pic of Glenn appears on the TV screen...with the sound of Glenn getting mad.)
Glenn
CAN YOU PLEASE SHUT UP FOR ONE F$%@#!G MINUTE?
(quite amused) Oh oh oh, he is so fucked! (to Ollie) Hey, good photo.
Yeah. Well, you know, it's a good phone.
What fantastic landscaping...
(More howls of laughter emanate from the newsroom.)
(Back at Hugh's office, Glenn is sitting in a chair beside himself. Hugh is pacing the floor.)
Glenn
Who do you think looked worse? You or me?
Well, I mean, I looked bad, but you said bad. I suppose on balance, um, honestly...You, really.
Glenn
(quiet, but annoyed) Great.
(Glenn's cell phone rings.)
Glenn
Oh. Go away.
(Glenn hangs up on the call...and after a few moments...)
Glenn
I don't know if I'm gonna survive this, Hugh. They're gonna be all over me like shingles. (Glenn's cell phone rings again.) They are all over me like shingles!
(Glenn hangs up on the call again...More awkward silence...)
Glenn
Do you think?
Yeah, it'll probably be fine.
(At the start of this episode, Hugh is talking on his cell phone to someone about the impending "Cabinet Reshuffle.")
(on his cell phone) No, Derek. I'm not presuming anything. It's entirely up to the PM. I'll just go wherever he wants me to go. I'm gonna have to go. Bye-bye.
(Next, Hugh and Ollie, who's right behind him, both meet up with Robyn and congratulate her on getting a place at Malcolm's 8:30 press meeting.)
(cheekily smiling) Morning, Minister.
Are you just off to your 8:30 with Malcolm?
Into the Lion's Den, Viper's Pit.
"The Belly of the Beast, the Lair of the White Worm."
Not all the departments get asked to the 8:30, so...
A great honor that we are in there with the big hitters. Always best to be inside the tent, pissing out.
Absolutely. If you were, you know, doing this over at Environment and Rural Affairs, you'd be, uh, at 8:30 you'd be very much outside the tent, wouldn't you? Probably at Coffee Republic.
Covered in piss. Good luck. You'll be fine. You don't need good luck. Yeah.
(reassuring Robyn) No no no, it's just a figure of speech.
(looking at his cell phone) I'm sure there's a way of...
(chasing after Robyn) Robyn!
(Hugh just remembered to ask Robyn a question.)
(whispering to Robyn) Robyn, sorry. Could you try and pick up any signals you can from Malcolm about -- about the, um...about the reshuffle?
I've really got to go now, because I don't want to be late.
Yeah, God, don't be late!
Apparently, they shout things at the last one in.
Glenn
(entering the scene) If anyone shouts at you, they'll have to answer to me. I'll box his ears.
(Robyn leaves)
(to Glenn) Box his ears? If that was flirting, that was absolutely crap.
Glenn
What?
Box his ears? How long is it since you've had sex?
Glenn
That is between me and my internet service provider. Anyway, about this morning's –
(chuckling) You've actually gone red, Glenn. Look at you.
Yeah, you have. Look, you've gone red.
Glenn
I have not gone red. (points to his folder) That's red.
Look, he can hardly walk properly.
(Discussing Julius Nicholson)
Can't we just kill him, shoot him?
What about we just fire him at a wall from a cannon. Just a wall two feet away.
Glenn
I know, we force feed him with a mixture of garlic and Dettol in Cup-a-Soup.
What about the old red-hot poker up the arse? Edward II?
(Julius walks in)
I'd like to nail him to a tree through the head and watch lice slowly crawl over his body, eating off the flesh in a slow and painful death, (having already noticed Julius) but that rather bitter anomaly aside, most of the responses to the Warwick report press cuttings were pretty positive.
Glenn (entering): Oh, God, here we go again. Yeah, like Glenn, what?
Well, I was just saying, the last time you saw a snatch was...
You see, that's good. That's the kind of repartee I need with the PM's wife. It's that final k-tsssss! you see, that's the bit I'm missing.
Glenn
Yeah, well, I think you could drop the snatch material with the PM's wife, don't you?
Well, OK, between the snatch and the Euro there's some sort of happy medium.Malcolm (on the phone): He is not getting anywhere near my fucking pantry, I tell you that. That door is staying as open as a fat whore's bonehole.Hugh: Sorry I'm late, traffic was an absolute bitch. No offence, Robyn.
Why didn't you tell me, Glenn? What possible reason did you have? You saw me, I was swinging like a colostomy bag!
Glenn
Oh, Hugh, grow up! Stuff happens in this department every day, I can't tell you everything!
Since when, Glenn, since when does the Secretary of State for Social Affairs have to find out from the fucking press that every morning at 8:30 I'm being fisted up to the gallbladder by a bald man?
Right, guys, thanks very much for staying on. Julius Nicholson, right?
Glenn
Yep.
Blue sky thinker? Ex-business guru? Dog rapist?
He's being a nuisance to me; he also has got plans to squeeze your department so hard you'll be lucky if you're left with one bollock between the three of you. So all I am doing here is asking you, formally, if you will join me in a little bit of a circle jerk.
It's when a lot of guys in a circle all, you know. (to Malcolm) Well, I assume you don't mean literally, do you? Presumably?
(A few moments ago, Hugh said that he does not want to close down schools for kids with special needs. He is now in his office discussing the Special Needs Bill with Glenn.)
Glenn, the Special Needs Bill. With your, you know, particular interest, I can't do this.
Glenn
You know my views, you know. Inclusion is an illusion. It doesn't work.
But you-you don't mind if I -- if I go ahead with it?
Glenn
Of course not. You know, look...you're only following orders.
Oh, thanks. So you won't make me feel bad except by comparing me to a concentration camp guard?
Glenn
No. Right. Yeah.
Now, tomorrow. Select Committee, that's Ballantine, isn't it?
(But before Hugh and Glenn can continue discussing the Special Needs Bill, Ollie barges in and interrupts.)
(to Hugh and Glenn) Sorry, I'm sorry to interrupt. Who wants to go and watch Bollockvision?
Mr. Malcolm Tucker, turning it all the way up to eleven, down in the lobby. Come and have a look.
(They all go out onto the balcony. On the other side of the atrium, on their floor, Malcolm is shouting at another Minister.)
Oh, poor Keith. Malcolm must fucking love this place: Four ministers in one building. It's his dream, a one-stop bollock-shop.
Glenn
Trouble is, we're gonna be getting some of that in about an hour.
Yeah. I don't know which is worse, watching him slowly rumble towards you like prostate cancer, or him appearing suddenly out of nowhere like a severe stroke.
(Terri, whose father died after a stroke, turns towards Hugh.)
Oh. How's your sister coping?
(The Department of Social Affairs has been renamed "The Department of Social Affairs and Citizenship" -- DoSAC for short.)
Glenn
So, Hugh, this -- this new word, 'Citizenship.' Did the PM actually outline what it entails?
Well, to be honest, I think he was making the reshuffle up as he-as he went along, and I think we were very lucky that 'Citizenship' was the first word that sprang to mind. Otherwise we could be the Department for Social Affairs and Woodland Folk.
See, the problem is, though, Hugh, that there's been a bit of a rush with you not in place. Uh, you know, every department trying to unload all the stuff that they didn't want. But it's been like somebody driving a lorry down Whitehall, shouting "Bring out your shit." And they have and it's ended up at our door.
Citizenship basically involves, uh, cutting pensions to the Ghurkhas, rejigging the protocols for a rabies outbreak, some crap from Health about long-term care for the elderly that neither they nor we have any real idea about.
Glenn
And what to do with the Isle of Man.
(annoyed) Just what I fucking need. Five new ways to lose my job.
(Hugh then starts eyeing a plant that he's just noticed is right next to his desk.)
Where did that come from?
It's far too big. Why-why did he send it?
Uh, office warming present.
So why did he send us a present?
Has Security checked this?
What for? Tiny little terrorists?
(annoyed) It's a plant! Yes?!
(moving on) Okay, so...citizenshit. What we need to do is knock together some nice, touchy-feely, fondley, sneaky, hand-in-the-bra sort of policies.
Glenn
New bicycles for special constables, that sort of thing?
Making special needs kids clean up graffiti?
(displeased) Yeah, that's just very mean.
Well, yes. Not, of course, as mean as making them spell "graffiti." That genuinely is very mean.
Glenn
(to Hugh, calmly but not happily) I'll go and have a word with Malcolm.
(After Glenn leaves the office, Hugh tries to reprimand Ollie for making a joke about special needs kids.)
You just took a shit with your clothes on, Ollie.
Glenn's boy, Peter. He went to a special needs school.
God, you're such a prick, Ollie.
There's more to life, you know, than drinks parties at the Foreign Office and having Nick Robinson's mobile number on your fucking BlackBerry!
Yes. All right, all right, fine. Sorry, Hugh. I feel for the guy. I had a girlfriend with special needs once, so I know. (smiles smugly) Luckily, I was able to fulfill them.
(Malcolm joins Glenn and Hugh in the office.)
So did you enjoy the show?
Glenn
(to Malcolm, jokingly) You were magnificent, darling.
(to Malcolm) Yeah, should I phone Keith so that I can get his team to watch you bollock me now?
(to Hugh) No no no no. Have I got my bollocking face on?
No. This is my bollocking face?
(Malcolm shows Hugh his infamous "bollocking stare.")
Oh, crikey, yes. Thanks for the pot plant, by the way.
As an office warming present.
Christ, she's a great P.A., isn't she, Sam?
She always remembers the little people. (looking at the plant) Look at the size of that. Fuck, you could fucking crucify somebody on that. (back to Glenn and Hugh) So what do you think of the new building, eh?
Yeah, I can't wait to move upstairs, actually, because I don't really like the glass walls on-on, on this floor. I just feel a bit exposed.
Glenn
Like a whore in a Reeperbahn window.
(on the phone, calling out to Glenn) Glenn, it's Ollie. He wants you to go through and clarify the Citizenship brief.
(to Terri) How much, love?
Glenn
Okay, I'm on it.
(to Glenn) I'll catch you later.
(to Hugh, smiling) I like your tan, by the way.
Have you declared it? Staying at the villa of an influential friend?
I-I haven't got any influential friends, Malcolm. You are my only influential friend.
Oh yeah. And I'm not really your friend.
You're not really my friend.
So this, uh, Super Schools Bill...
You don't think it's so super, do you?
(Malcolm gives Hugh the "bollocking stare." Again.)
That's your bollocking face.
(And so, on Malcolm's say-so, Hugh and Glenn are now meeting with Mr. Roy Smedley, a special needs children expert, to discuss the inclusion of special needs kids in mainstream schools.)
But surely, Mr. Smedley, inclusion has been shown to fail the most vulnerable SEN children.
RSRoy Smedley
When inclusion's done badly, yes. Yes, uh, you're gonna get bad results. I mean, that's a given.
Glenn
(wearily) Inclusion is an illusion.
Mark-Mark Ryan from the LSE was saying that when the special schools do get it right, that the parents of SEN children absolutely fucking flock to...
RSRoy Smedley
You spoke to Mark Ryan?
Yeah, well, some expert advice, so...
RSRoy Smedley
(mockingly) OK. Expert advice from Mark Ryan?
Yeah. You have a problem with Mark Ryan?
RSRoy Smedley
In educational circles, he's-he's a bit of a joke. That's another given.
(Suddenly, Hugh's computer beeps with an e-mail alert.)
Glenn
(responding to the alert) Ah, sorry. It's just that I'm expecting, uh, something quite important.
Is our-Is our e-mail up and running?
Glenn
No. No, no, this is my hotmail.
(to Roy Smedley) Can you-Sorry, can you excuse me just, um...
(Roy doesn't mind Hugh being a moment. BUT...Hugh sneaks over to Terri's desk computer since she's not at her desk. Hugh then sends an e-mail to Glenn...or at least who he thinks is HIS pal, Glenn Cullen. The e-mail says "Christ Alive! What a cunt !!!" While Hugh does this despicable thing, Roy continues talking to Glenn.)
RSRoy Smedley
(to Glenn) We live in an inclusive society, am I right? I mean, we-we all rub shoulders together, Mr. Cullen?
Glenn
Indeed.
RSRoy Smedley
So let's not let the Mark Ryans of this world create...
Glenn
Sorry?
RSRoy Smedley
...apartheid for children. The alternative is to isolate these kids in ghetto schools.
Glenn
The minister won't be a moment.
(Hugh and Glenn return from their Education Select Committee appearance.)
I lied to the Select Committee. I lied! Is Tucker in the building?
It's just what they're calling him now, 'cause he can stand in the middle of the atrium and just shout at all the departments.
Well I don't want to see him, not at the moment, I can't take one of his scenes from The Exorcist just now.
Glenn
Look, I don't think Ballentine's on to anything.
Oh no? No? Well, why did she keep asking, 'Just one expert? Only one? Not two experts? Less than three but not two?' The fucking bitch.
Glenn
It's her style, look, she's just trying to throw you off balance like a sumo wrestler.
Well it worked: there I was on the floor in a big fucking nappy.
(to Terri) God, right, okay, well, seein' as you're not used to this, I'll go through it for you, okay? What happens at a press conference is this. A bunch of press people are gonna appear, they've got things called cameras and microphones and mobile phones and hangovers and bad breath. Then you are gonna walk out and you're gonna read from what we call a "prepared statement". In that you will say, "I'm really fucking sorry for sounding like a hairy-arsed docker after twelve pints. I promise that I will never call an 8-year-old girl a cunt again. Can we now just draw a line over this, and fucking move on. Thank you". Everybody goes home and then we wait and we see what happens. The best case is you get to keep your job, although you will forever be known as the Sweary Woman of Whitehall.
(deleted scene)
Ollie (on the phone to a man he can see in a glass office): Yes, but you can't just dump rabies on us because you don't want it. You're Health, that's your job! You should have rabies. Health should have rabies, right? (sees the man mime fellatio) Oh right, yeah, fine. OK. So we're gonna have to swallow this one, but if we have to deal with a rabies outbreak we're gonna do it so fucking well, you're gonna be frothing at the mouth – yeah, twice! (hangs up) You prick!
(deleted scene)
First day back from holiday, tanned, tawdry and cheap. I feel like something out of Footballers' Wives.
Glenn
How do you know about Footballers' Wives?
Ollie told me. They all live in Chelmsford, have names like Madison and Chutney, they're an orange colour and they've got thongs up their cracks.
(Ben Swain, the Junior Minister that Ollie is "babysitting," arrives at the office.)
Benjamin! Happy New Year!
Ben! Big Ben, Ben-Benji, Beno, Benj.
Happy New Year to you as well.
Glenn
(to Ben) These are the briefing notes.
Ah, splendid. I'll file these directly in the shredder. Thank you, Glenn.
(Ben, Glenn and Ollie enter an office.)
Glenn
(to Ben) If you just, uh, stick to what's in there, you'll be all right. Just remember, you're the night watchman, all right?
Yes, well, I like to think of myself as more, perhaps, I don't know, an elected MP than a night watchman, Glenn. But thank you very much for everything, I'll be fine without you holding my hand. You enjoy your weekend cottaging in Wales or whatever it is you're up to.
(Ollie picks up a copy of Ben's upcoming book, which is called, "It's the Everything, Stupid: How to Get Ahead in Modern Politics.")
(impressed) This is looking good. When is it coming out?
End of the, end of the week. You'll be able to make the launch party?
And have you written it yourself or was it ghosted by, uh...
By Victoria Beckham? No, everything in there is entirely-entirely written by me, I think you'll find. Yes.
There you go, you have hidden talents.
Anyone heard from "The Hughster?"
Yes, he's suffering from jet lag.
(to Ben) Have you ever been to Australia?
No. Why would I want to go there? Full of people in khaki, squinting. Just the world's largest collection of poisonous things.
Oh, yeah. God, yeah. If you want to stick around with poisonous snakes, you might as well stay here.
(Awkward silence occurs after Ollie's stupid attempt at a joke.)
(jokingly) Throw a blanket on me, I'm on fire.
The Thick Of It · 395 quotes
