Julius Nicholson quotes from The Thick Of It

Where are you tonight? 'Cause you're not here. What, no invitation for number one party animal, Julius Pete Doherty Nicholson?

Julius

Who's Peter O'Doherty?

Stop trying to joke, OK? Don't joke, you are not funny, Julius, you're about as funny as a blind toddler in a fucking minefield.

The Rise Of The Nutters

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And obviously if you do think about running with this pills story –

Yeah.

I will personally fucking eviscerate you, right?

Right.

And I mean, I don't have your education, I don't know what that means, but I will start by ripping your cock off and I'll busk it from there, okay?

Good, thank you, again.

Talk to you later.

Cheers. Bye bye now. (Hangs up. To Angela) He's a nice guy.

(to Terri and Robyn) Oh hey, Desperate Housewives, have you found out who's leaking yet?

Glenn

I have. It's Julius! He's just told me –

Wait, no, what – That – Julius?

Glenn

Yeah.

Nicholson? That baldy PUSSY? Well, I tell you, if he thinks he's leaking now, wait to see him when I'm finished with him: he'll look like fucking Mel Gibson's Jesus! FUCK! FUCK, FUCK! FUCK!

Julius

Why don't I get something in? A man cannot live on Jaffa Cakes alone, obviously. I've tried.

Malcolm (to Ben): I'm just gonna go make some nuisance calls, I'll see you in about half a – Stop fucking blinking! Or I will take your optic nerve and strangle you with it. OK. You look after him, Ollie, OK? He's a very important man. Cock like a caber.

What's the news, just –

What?

Just tell me what the fucking news is and I'll put it on the front page. It's not like we're The Independent, we can't just stick a headline saying 'Cruelty' and then stick a picture of a dolphin or a whale underneath it. I mean, that's just fucking cheating, that's rubbish.

Well, what I'm hearing is Ben Swain.

Ben Swain?

Yeah.

Right, I literally don't know who he is. I'm not being stupid or anything, but I physically don't know who Ben Swain is. He could be the leader of the Special Boat Squadron –

Service.

The Special Boat Service or whatever it's fucking called, and this could be a massive coup.

Ben Swain is what I'm hearing.

Spinners and Losers

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Nicholson! NICHOLSON! The immigration shit. It was you, wasn't it? You mimsy bastard Quisling leak fuck!

Julius

Sorry, what are you talking about?

Yeah yeah yeah, you will be sorry, you inflatable cock. You fucking sold us out, didn't you? DENY IT!

Julius

Well, James, I can't deny something until I have the actual charge presented to me –

(impersonating Julius) 'Oh oh oh, the actual charge.' (normal voice) You mean apart from the charge you're gonna get when I clamp jump leads to your baldy bollocks? Okay, okay, okay! You, Julius Nicholson, being of sound mind, but with a body that looks like a giant sex toy, did knowingly do us up the shithole, by passing confidential information to the enemy! And I am gonna have your guts as a skipping rope, and your lungs sun-dried and turned into a little fucking waistcoat!

Julius

James, technically it was not a leak, because firstly it's not confidential infor–

Eat that prawn. Eat that fucking prawn.

Julius

I'm not eating prawns, Malcolm, I'm on – I'm just telling you –

Eat that prawn. (throws a slice of pizza at Julius) Eat a bit of fucking pizza.

Julius

Don't be stupid. Malcolm –

Eat another prawn. (throws a prawn)

Julius

Stop it!

(throws more food) Have some fucking chow mein!

Julius

Malcolm –

Here, stuff it in his fucking head! Stuff it in his big baby head!

(to Ollie, who has just returned with some cheese) Get that fucking cheese over there!

EAT THE CHEESE!

Julius

I don't want the cheese, stop it!

Glenn

Go on, have some!

(throwing food at Julius) EAT THE CHEESE! EAT THE FUC–

Julius

(being pelted by Malcolm and Ollie) This isn't funny, this is an expensive suit! James, just –

Fuck!

Julius

What the fuck are you doing, mate? (runs out of the door)

Hey hey hey, right!

EAT THE FUCKING CHEESE! (chasing after Julius) EAT THE CHEESE, NICHOLSON!

Spinners and Losers

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(Malcolm is talking on his cell phone while heading to his office.)

Just try and wrap your gin-addled brain about this, right? I did say I was at the heart of government. But when...

(Steve Fleming is already in Malcolm's office.)

Malcolm.

(on his phone) Excuse me.

I need to talk to you.

(to Steve) One second, please. (back to his phone) Listen, when that...When that incident occurred, I was on holiday. Are you saying to me that my wee caravan's a great fucking waste of time? And my stupid fucking wing mirror extensions?

(pointing to the TV) The crime stats and Andy Murray, Malc. It's a double fault.

(answering a knock at his door) Listen, if you are not a prostitute or a pizza guy, fuck off! (to Steve) Steve, listen, could you eat or fuck whatever's at the door on your fucking way out, please? (to a colleague) No thanks. (back on his phone) How can I be held responsible? What, for what? I've created a what around the government? I've created a vibe? Listen, son, the only fucking vibe you have to worry about is the one that your wife hides in her knicker drawer. (back to Steve) I am on top of this, okay?

Oh, fine, fine. You know, I'm just saying I'll gladly lend you a hand if you feel the need to keep your head down.

I don't need to keep my head down, because unlike yourself, I don't give blowjobs to truckers.

(Another knock at Malcolm's office door...)

I SAID FUCK OFF!

(The door opens, and -- SURPRISE! It's Julius Nicholson!)

Oh, it's Lord Nicholson! What an enormous pleasure this is!

Julius

(with a big smile) Well, in fact, it's, um, the Right Honorable the Lord Nicholson of Arnage. And the kissing of feet may commence!

You got all your stuff ready for your official lording ceremony? Have you got your mink thong and your ermine colostomy bag?

Julius

No, I don't, no. I have to hire that, unfortunately. I can't wear it on the Tube or the bus, but I would. It would be great larks, but there we go.

How about a coffee? Coffee?

Julius

Well, um, if there's coffee going, I'd never say no to a nice cup of coffee.

Do you not drink coffee anymore? Is it all port and swan's blood these days?

Julius

Swan's blood. That does sound nice. No, I'm just sort of passing through, because obviously we need to start booting up this crime stats inquiry. But it's in effect an investigation into the facts. But I thought since I was passing through...

Yeah, but you don't have to talk to me about that, do you? 'Cause I was on my holidays then. Did you get my postcard?

Julius

Well, I will speak to whomsoever I need to speak to, holiday or no holiday?

Where did you learn to speak like that? Is there a special school that's just you and Brian Sewell went to?

Julius

I'm gonna leave you to it, frankly.

So soon?

And I'm gonna make tracks as well, Malcolm.

Okay, good to see you both.

(But just before Steve leaves...)

(to Malcolm, softly) The problem is that you are shifting from the man people love to hate to the man people just hate. From Simon Cowell to Piers Morgan.

See you later, and remember, my door's always open.

(And when Steve leaves, Malcolm throws part of the bagel sandwich he was eating onto the door in disgust.)

Series 3, Episode 7

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(A short time later, Malcolm spots Julius again.)

Oh, there he is. Screaming Lord Crutch. I like the flunkies, by the way. That's a very nice touch. It's a wee bit Graham Norton.

Julius

Don't needle me, Malcolm. Not when people are under scrutiny.

I'm under scrutiny?

Julius

Yes.

I'm fucking Nosferatu. That's really fucking scary.

Julius

(unimpressed) I'm walking on. We're moving on. I'm Ian Botham. I'm walking on for hospice care.

(And then, Malcolm sees Nicola...and he sneaks over to her when nobody's looking.)

How's it going with Lord Bonnie Longford?

Nicola

I've not been in yet. I've just been standing here for 20 minutes.

So IF this phone call does come up...

Julius (Seeing what Malcolm's up to) No! No, that's not...

Nicola

You're nothing if not persistent, are you, Malcolm?

(Julius breaks up the conversation.)

Julius

Don't do that! I made it quite clear...

(to Julius) I was standing over there and I thought, "Nicola's choking." But she wasn't. She was laughing, retrospectively, at your massive shiny head. (to Steve) Oh, what happened? Did you get heckled off? What was the line? "Taxi for Tom Selleck!"

Yeah. Could I have a quick word? Just...just five minutes.

(Steve takes Malcolm into the office to have a private chat.)

Series 3, Episode 7

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(Malcolm is now chasing himself into Steve's office!)

Get back to fucking Wind in the Willows, 'cause that's where you fucking belong!

I didn't ask you to -- I didn't ask you to come back in. Would you leave my office, please?

I'm not fucking gonna waste my breath on you.

(And now, Malcolm is marching his way towards Julius! Yelling and cursing along the way!)

(to Julius) As for you...

Julius

Malcolm, I am sick to death -- You can explain --

(Malcolm puts his hands on Julius and pins him up against a door!)

Julius

Don't TOUCH me, Malcolm!

I'll fucking touch you if I like!

Julius

Because I'll tell you this, man!

You'll tell me WHAT?

Julius

YOU shafted me, boy!

(Julius fights back and puts his hand on Malcolm!)

Julius

I'll fucking strike you, Malcolm!

Don't you fucking touch me!

Julius

I warn you!

Don't touch that scarf! That's Paul Smith! Twat! (to somebody else) MOVE!

(Malcolm is finally leaving Good Ol' Number 10.)

YOU WILL SEE ME AGAIN! (Malcolm heads towards the door.) You will fucking see me again! (He leaves Number 10.)

Series 3, Episode 7

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(Julius Nicholson is trying to persuade Malcolm Tucker to return as the two of them are sharing an Indian take-away meal.)

Julius

Take the rice first.

Thank you.

Julius

Um, I want you to be very clear, Malc, about why it is that I brought you in. Do you know what hat it is that I'm wearing?

Is it your baldy swimming cap wig?

Julius

No, it is my government troubleshooter stetson, which is a long way from my homburg of sober inquiry.

Do you know that I'm thinking of doing a television program?

Julius

Well, I had heard something on the grapevine.

Yeah, it's good. You know that program Civilisation with Kenneth Clark?

Julius

Oh, yes.

It's gonna be like that, except with fucking more quim, you know? It's me, Simon Schama and Alan Yentob in a cage, fucking lump hammer each, whacking the shit out of each other. The last man standing wins a fucking Ford Focus.

Julius

The thing is, Malcolm, your departure has basically precipitated a call-to-arms, in effect. We have it on reasonably good authority that there are between three to four cabinet ministers who are disgruntled and are planning a mass resignation. And that means, very simply, a Dan Miller coronation. And as my nephew would say, "This shit just got real."

Your nephew?

Julius

Yeah, he's at Charterhouse. Only a day boy, not a boarder. Anyway, the fact is it has to be stopped. Um...There have been a number of ideas being tossed around. And one of them is...would you be prepared to come back?

(in disbelief) Are you out of your tiny, shiny fucking mind?

Julius

Look, we can do this simply.

(Julius picks up four colored pencils.)

Julius

Step 1: Are you interested? Of course you are. (Julius drops a pencil) Step 2: Will you come back? Yes? (He drops another pencil) Superb. Step 3, and this is the important step: Will you use your considerable influence to destroy the cabal? Can I drop it down? (Julius drops down that pencil, too) Fan-dabi-dozi! Step 4: It's party time. Let's tool up with basmati rice and...Wahey!

(rightfully confused) You're asking me -- to come back here and mop up the fucking splatter from my own assassination?

Julius

You know where the bodies are buried. And we'll just say you're coming back to advise, it's election strategy, it's not a day-to-day government business role.

I can't come back again unless I know that I'm in the clear in your report.

Julius

I'm not in a position to discuss that; not with my current hat on. However, would I be sat here now if the man in the other hat—which is also me—wasn't sure that everyone involved in this inquiry didn't come out relatively well?

And what about Steve Fleming, yeah? You schizo hat fuck?

Julius

Let me put it this way: You see this onion bhaji? Let us pretend for a minute that this onion bhaji is the problems that would be caused by a report that criticised you or Steve Fleming. Hmm? Watch. (Julius takes a bite of the bhaji.) You see what I’m doing? I’m eating.. the onion bhaji. (He eats the rest of the bhaji.) Why? Because I am the man that makes the bhaji go away.

Series 3, Episode 8

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(Steve approaches Julius while he's feeding ducks.)

The rain in Spain stays mainly on the plain.

Julius

Well, actually, that is a popular misconception, because what happens is the rain falls just before the mountain ridge, but they wouldn't want you to know that, because it would spoil the rhyme.

Julius. What's up, Boo-Boo? (Both men laugh)

Julius

Not much, I'm just feeding some victuals to these poor old ducks. That red-crested pochard there is positively hoggish with this Hovis.

I heard certain rumblings that I don't come out terribly well in this report of yours. Off the record, matey, am I fucked?

Julius

Off the record, and this is strictly between you, me and that ornamental gatepost over there...

Of course.

Julius

(smiling) The report is strictly confidential until publication. (Julius slightly chuckles) Do you see what I've done there? The bald man has done "a funny."

(unamused) It's not funny. No, it's not funny at all, Julius.

Julius

(continuing to laugh) I beg to differ. I think I'm on sparkling form.

For fuck's sake! You FUCKING... Pontius Pilate, with the emphasis on PONCE!

Series 3, Episode 8

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(Julius barges into Malcolm's office -- and no, Julius is NOT in a good mood!)

Julius

You...

Julius!

Julius

...are a naughty bastard!

(holding up Julius' report) Best thing I've read all year. It's the only thing, mind you.

Julius

You've done some pretty awful things to me in my time, but this takes the bloody biscuit. And you've pissed on that biscuit and I've got to eat it. Well, here's the news, Malcolm, I will not eat the pissy biscuit!

Sam, no pissy biscuits. (to Julius) What are you going on about, Julius?

Julius

You made it look as if Steve Fleming leant on me so that I would wrongly exonerate him. And as a result, I had to come down upon him like a ton of bricks. Totally unfairly just to protect my unimpeachable reputation for fairness.

Yeah, well. It's a great report. I mean, what I really like about it is it's fucking short. How long did it take you to rewrite the Steve Fleming stuff?

Julius

I pulled an all-nighter. Black coffee, Vivaldi on the iPod Touch.

It was certainly worth it. I mean, he comes over as a 28-carat shite.

(Steve enters Malcolm's office, and he's not happy either.)

(to Steve) Oh, Steve, mate. Have you seen the papers? Looks like you're becoming the story.

Julius

(to Steve) Steven, can I begin by saying...

(to Julius) Oh no, I understand, Julius. It's the game we play. You did what you had to do.

Julius

Yes, but all the same, Steven...

STEVE!

Julius

(to Steve) I'm sorry. (to Malcolm, unhappily) I'll not forget this.

(After giving Malcolm an ice cold stare, Steve gets ready to go back to his office and clear his desk.)

You off to clear your desk, Steve? Don't forget your lucky gonk, and your "World's Shittiest Dad" mug.

(returning to Malcolm) We were on the same side, Malcolm, and you fucked me over.

Not me, Steve-o, not me. The independent report. So you know, I'm sorry, but you're gonna have to go.

Oh, I agree with you, I'm going. I'm gonna resign from the Cabinet. And then, I'm going to go and join Dan Miller's team. (beat) I think we need a new leader. (walks off)

(following) Steve!

Oh, no, no, no!

Steve, don't you ever take up fucking poker, 'cause you're a crap liar.

I am gonna join Dan Miller's team and then we are gonna take you down. We are gonna take you down to funky town! Funky Town Centre, here you come! CHOO FUCKING CHOO!

Is this what you're threatening me with, fucking disco lights and a fucking choo-choo train? You're a joke, Steve!

(laughing) There's nothing you can do!

Steve!

Yeah?

There's one thing I can do!