“Series 3, Episode 1”
In this episode: Malcolm Tucker (15), Terri Coverley (10), Ollie Reeder (8), Nicola Murray (8), Glenn Cullen (7), Ed (3)
(It's Cabinet Reshuffle Day in the British Government, and Malcolm Tucker has got his finger on the trigger.)
Ed! Get Tom Rudd in. Now. We're offering him Northern Ireland, the lucky sod.
I think he's expecting to be offered Transport.
Well, tell him he's taking the bus to George Best airport, right?
(on his cell phone) He’s making Paul Remington a Cabinet Minister. Remtard Remington. I mean the guy is an epic fuck-up. He’s so dense that light bends around him.
Come on people, let’s get going here! I’ve got a to-do list that’s longer than a fucking Leonard Cohen song!
(Meanwhile, Ollie Reeder and Terri Coverley are discussing the Cabinet reshuffle at DoSAC.)
(looking at his computer) Remtard at Energy and Climate Change.
Really? I'm not getting that. (Terri looks at her computer.) It's not on here. How did you get that about Remington?
(slightly annoyed) Refresh the page.
Yeah. Ah, yeah. Oh look, Fatty's staying put! They're not moving Fatty!
Yeah, well, that's 'cause they haven’t got five big blokes and a winch.
They couldn't really demote Fatty, 'cause he knows too much.
Well he doesn't know where the Ryvita is kept, does he?
(Malcolm is on the phone once more, talking to a colleague about how busy he is.)
I've got this -- this-this reshuffle going on, the Leamington Spa by-election coming up, I've got more on my plate than a spinster at a wedding. That wasn't a reference to your daughter by the way, Andrew.
(Hugh Abbot has lost his place in the reshuffle.)
Well. That's Hugh gone, then.
It's so sad, isn't it? Hugh.
Yeah.
(to Terri) You don't give a shit!
(beat)
...No, well, perhaps I don't.
Northern Ireland office, Tom Rudd. Who's Tom Rudd? Tom Rudd?
Isn't he in Harry Potter?
Tom Rudd is army slang for standing-up buggery.
Right.
(calling out to Doug Hayes) Doug! Doug! Dougie! Look at you, cock like the Pink Panther's tail. Come have a Kit Kat.
I'm afraid I turned it down, Malcolm.
Do you know ninety percent of household dust is made of dead human skin? That's what you are. To me.
(Malcolm is back on the phone with Andrew -- AND, of course, Malcolm accidentally insults Andrew's daughter.)
Doug Hayes is a massive abortion. Again, not a reference to your daughter. We need somebody to plug this DoSAC hole. Anybody. A fucking mammal with a head.
(to Glenn and Ollie) Have you two finished emptying your desks yet?
(agitated) Yes, don't worry, Terri, we're all ready to go.
I'm just trying to get everything organised for whenever whoever arrives. They are gonna have their own people. It's gonna be very embarrassing if your hand cream's still in the drawer.
Hand cream?
Yeah, well, whatever men have. I don't know, electric nose-hair trimmers, Ex-Lax...
(mocking Glenn) Aww, look at Glenn. Your face...On the scrapheap at the tender age of 76? It's no life for you, is it, Glenn, this? Hey, do you want me to call Dignitas? (beat) I could call Indignitas. They could come round and shove you out of the window dressed as a clown.
(on his phone again) Get me, um, Nicola Murray. Yeah. If she says "no", well, I don't know, the only other candidate is my left bollock with a fucking smiley face drawn on it.
(Terri announces and introduces the new head of the Department of Social Affairs and Citizenship.)
Ladies and gentlemen, may I introduce the new Secretary of State for the Department of Social Affairs and Citizenship, Nicola Murray.
(Nicola Murray is the new head of the Department of Social Affairs and Citizenship -- DoSAC, for short. As she heads into her new office, she gets a cell phone call from her husband, James.)
(on the phone to her husband.) Um...Yes, I know. They just -- they frog-marched me into it. (beat) I didn't know. I had no idea. (beat) James, be fair! I did -- I-I left seven fucking messages for you. Your secretary or whoever is useless. I don't think the school thing's gonna be a problem. It's not gonna be a problem 'cause they'll have vetted me at Number 10. And obviously nobody has soiled themselves or shot me. Great, well, I'll take your warm congratulations as implied. (Nicola hangs up her phone.) Fucking arsehole.
(Terri checks to see if Nicola's alright.)
You all right?
Yes, it's all a bit crazy. No, it just feels like my head's made entirely of smoke alarms. (laughing) At the moment, it's all a bit OOH... (Nicola mimes an explosion.)
Yes, well, it was a bit of a shock for us all, you know.
I'm sure.
In a good way, in a good way.
Good.
Well, like twins or a tax rebate.
(Nicola calls both Glenn and Ollie into her office to discuss her policy as the new head of DoSAC.)
My primary focus is social mobility, that's very much my -- my Big Thing.
Right.
And I suppose I'm telling you that, really, partly to get your take on it and also so that you can, you know, start spreading the news and printing the posters and, uh, you know, fire up the turbo chargers, set the phases to equality: It's Murray time!
The thing is – and Ollie, please correct me here if I'm wrong.
I will certainly do that.
Social mobility, making people richer, costs money.
Yes, and we don't have any of that, really.
Right.
I mean, if you speak to Nick at the Treasury he will tell you the same, only with his annoying lisp.
What you're telling me is that basically I'm gonna be a woman with a computer and some pens.
Well, it's just a pen budget.
I mean, I have about as much real power as those twats who sit either side of Alan Sugar.
Well – Yes.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Thick Of It pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
