(Glenn, Ollie and Terri are watching Malcolm's conversation with Nicola outside the office...wondering if Nicola will keep any of them on.)
GlennMalcolm must be hating this. All these bright, fresh, new ministers to blood in and to plan a by-election.
(to Glenn) If it's any consolation to you, a little bit of you will always be in this department, because she's nabbed your chair. Hasn't she? She's got your chair, and, in fact, your dandruff.
Glenn
Ha ha ha. If I go, that chair is coming with me.
You know those old men you see who go to the park to read the paper? That'll be you. You could go in your chair. They'd make you King of All the Tramps.
Glenn
(to Ollie) Sounds to me like that she's only bringing in, um, one other person, so...you know, I wonder whether she might keep one of us on permanently.
Glenn
(annoyed) Je- We know you're safe, Terri! How do we know you're safe? We know your safe, because you keep using the word "safe," like bloody Jim Bowen!
[imitating Jim Bowen presenting Bullseye)] Yeah, you've got DoSAC, that's safe. Do you want to go for the treasury, young lady?
(deleted scene)
Glenn
Because if you are worried about Malcolm, well, you know, Ollie and I have amassed one or two tips, how to deal with him, over the years. It's pretty much common sense, really: don't drive a gas guzzler, don't sign up for Bupa, don't have an affair. Don't tell racist jokes, however ironic.
Glenn
Don't send your children to independent schools.
Don't dig up Diana and have Patrick Moore play Nazi drinking songs on her ribs.
(deleted scene)
Yeah I suppose so, he's gonna have to let her go free-range for a week, isn't he? Till after the by-election. Then he can snap her beak off, cram her into the battery cage;
'I'm not really good with cages', (impersonates Malcolm) 'Get in there Nicola, fucking get in till you're perfectly square, and you're shiteing cuboid eggs!'
(sighing) Thank God I'm safe. I'm glued to this department and you'd have to steam me off.
Glenn
Yeah. Well you don't have to worry about me: You don't hang around in this business as long as I have without picking up contacts.
Yes, but Disraeli's dead, Glenn, he died in the Crimea, did you not hear the town crier announce it?
(deleted scene)
It's never too soon to go to Leamington. It's the Venice of the Midlands, if Venice was fucking horrible.
Have a lovely time in Leamington, yeah? I hear it's got the best Lidl in the West Midlands.
(deleted scene)
(at the poster launch in Leamington) And we need to be investing, er, at least –
Glenn
Invest? Did I hear her say 'invest'?
(on the phone) Ollie, she's gone off-piste, she's off the mountain now.
Glenn
Oh, Jesus. She's so far off the mountain, she's being finger-banged in a chalet by Bigfoot.
(On Nicola's orders, Robyn starts following Malcolm again. She's soon approached by Glenn.)
Glenn
Hi, Robyn! Hey, look. Um...You know Phil Davis? Is he a Davies or a Davis?
I know you don't like me, Glenn, but you're not sacking me.
Glenn
What?
(Both Glenn and Robyn are smiling and laughing at each other falsely throughout their conversation...)
Glenn
(still laughing) I'm protecting you.
Okay, well, you know, I've got your back as well. Even though I know you are the guy who authorized the wiping of the back-up.
Glenn
Well, that may or may not be true.
Glenn
Well, it may or it may not be true.
(Nicola and Ollie arrive at Glenn's hotel room, where Glenn has already arrived and waiting for them.)
Glenn
Ah, you got past mad conference security, then?
It's bonkers, isn't it? It's like trying to get through Israeli customs wearing a T-shirt saying, "I heart bombing Israel."
Glenn
I know. I mean, I had to wait for an hour and they practically gave me a cavity search.
Aw, only practically? The sense of disappointment in your voice is almost palpable.
(Nicola notices the size of Glenn's room.)
Oh, your bed's bigger than mine. In fact, your whole room's bigger than mine.
Glenn
(feeling awkward) Well, um...Do you want it?
"Mr. Lova Lova," full marks for foreplay there, Glenn, straight in.
(reassuring Glenn) Do I want your room? No, honestly. I just thought they'd all be the same, sort of vanilla and monotonous.
(to Glenn) Did you ask them for your special tiny kettle?
(chuckling) It's an electric thimble.
Maybe the room only looks bigger because Glenn's kettle is so tiny!
(The three of them now shift their discussion to more serious and important business.)
(to Glenn) So, has our People's Champion arrived? Have you spoken to her? Is she alright?
Glenn
Oh no no no no, she should be over it by now. Her husband died, what, 4 months ago? So, I mean, she's beyond the crying phase.
She's clearly not that over it, Glenn. She's leading a public campaign to change building regulations.
Yeah, well, you know, 7 people died when that café collapsed. She's entitled to her 15 minutes. How do you think I should, um... mention the tragedy when I talk to her?
Just, um, "Sorry for your loss, thoughts with you at this very difficult time," yada yada yada, all of, you know... Not-Without the "yada yada yada" bit, obviously.
Am I gonna need some jokes for my speech?
Glenn
Oh, do you think that's a good idea?
Not collapsing café jokes.
Glenn
No.
That's a shame, I had a bunch of those. Thought you could call them, uh, the Little Chef Seven. You know, Special of the Day: Crumble!
(John Duggan, a press officer at the conference, arrives at Nicola's room to introduce himself to Nicola and her team.)
Howdy Doody, Minister. I'm John Duggan, your press officer at the conference.
Oh, hello. Nicola Murray, hi.
Ah, well, you know, we wanted to go to Florida but Malcolm 'suggested' we went to Suffolk, and so the kids were miserable, weather was miserable, and Malcolm rang and shouted at me for looking miserable.
I saw the photo of you, in the wellies next to the horse. 'Why the long face?' It was funny. (Nicola looks up, unimpressed) Or not, depending on your perspective. Still, things are looking up: you're in Eastbourne now, which really is the jewel in the crown of our shit seaside resorts. Clacton of the South West, they call it.
(Nicola is trying to get John to push through the press a story about Peter Mannion taking a second holiday, which would put Peter in a negative light.)
John, are you across this thing about, um, Peter Mannion lining up a second holiday?
Um, Mannion, right, yeah.
Peter Mannion, my opposite number, you know?
Okay, good. So you're going to push that for the press for me, yeah? 'Cause I just want to remind people that while he's criticizing us over the recession, he's, you know, swanning around on his friend's massive yacht.
Glenn
Oh, for fuck...
(stammering) Yeah, well, I mean, in-in-in in principle, yeah. But it-it it is conference, so my to-do list is longer than a big willy.
John, without wishing to sound blunt...Um, actually, you know what? Fuck it, let's sound blunt. (bluntly) It is your job.
I'll do what I can. That is a Duggan promise.
(John leaves the room.)
He's not gonna do it, is he?
Glenn
Absolutely fucking useless.
He's completely not gonna do it.
(John returns just as the group is discussing Julie Price, Nicola's "People's Champion.")
(to John) Glenn says that she's changed her Facebook status to 'single and up for it', (John starts laughing) which I believe is actually why Glenn brought her here in the first place.
Glenn
Listen, John: There's an outside chance that she may just prefer to meet a human being, so I'm gonna come down with you.
Good idea, you can buy her a coffee, can't you – you could maybe buy her a Collapsuccino.
(laughing) Might bring back memories of her latte husband. As in late husband. We're like Dick and Dom, aren't we? Great chemistry.
Glenn
Yeah. Except neither one of you are Doms.
(In this scene, Nicola meets face-to-face with Julie Price, the "People's Champion" for today's Party Conference.)
Glenn
Nicola, this is Julie.
(to Julie, warmly) Thank you so much for joining us. What you're doing is really important.
JPJulie Price
(jokingly) Well, hi, I'm your regional photo opportunity for the day.
(laughing) That's--That's not...That's not the way it is. I hope you appreciate that.
JJulie
(smiling) I was just kidding.
(happily) Oh, good, and that's what we need in this room right now!
Glenn
(to Nicola) Um, Julie's written a speech.
(surprised) Oh, right, for today?
JJulie
Well, basically, I start by kind of doing a tribute to me husband, Jason.
JJulie
And then, we'll move on to the campaign. (Julie sits down) Um, we'll get to the middle section, and I just really want to tell everyone how we're trying to take that bastard to court, you know.
You'll get that opportunity.
JJulie
Me and 6 women, whose husbands have died, we're trying our best to do him. But you know what that bastard did?
Glenn
Tell me.
JJulie
He sent everyone off the site and he changed the equipment, you know. He changed it to the actual, proper legal equipment. So, obviously, we've got no proof.
Glenn
What, overnight?
(saddened) Yeah. What a-What a bastard. What a-What a bastard.
(Poor Julie's worked herself up...)
JJulie
And -- Oh, God, I'm sweating like a fat lass.
(concerned) Are you-I mean, maybe this isn't a great room for you to be in. We've got to write some stupid jokes about a rich bloke on a yacht.
Glenn
I mean, that's so trivial...
JJulie
I've got more to tell you.
Yeah, I want to hear it. I want to hear it.
JJulie
(getting up to leave) There's not -- Just a couple of pages.
Yeah, let's-we'll knock off this stuff, and then I'm with you.
Ollie's a lovely guy. He'll look after you.
(Nicola and Glenn are in her room trying to write her speech...)
Glenn
"So, joking aside..." Of course, we haven't fucking got those yet.
Glenn
Whatever they are, right...
(When all of a sudden, Ollie re-enters the room.)
(anxious as hell) Right, right.
Glenn
"It's now my great pleasure -- " (to Ollie) We're just doing the...
No no no, listen. Um -- listen!
Glenn
What?
You know when something, well, something bad, but you know when something bad happens and you think it's not as bad as...
Glenn
Where's Julie?
Malcolm's commandeered Julie for the PM's speech. We bumped into each other and he...
Glenn
What do you mean he's commandeered her? You're supposed to be looking after her, for fuck's sake!
No, no, no, no, no, he hasn't. No.
Glenn
(to Ollie) We can't even fucking trust you to babysit!
Glenn
Just say no!
(getting defensive) You don't just say no!
Glenn
What part of "no" don't you understand?
Babysitting isn't a fucking...
(Nicola starts pounding and stomping on a pillow -- pretending that the pillow is Malcolm!)
MALCOLM! FUCKING -- FUCK MALCOLM! FUCK MALCOLM! FUCK MALCOLM! FUCK MALCOLM! FUCK MALCOLM!
Well, um, that was my, uh, initial reaction as well.
Glenn
Deep breath, Nicola.
Yes, yes I know. Thank you, thank you, FUCK OFF! Thank you!
Glenn
Right, yes. What do you want us to do?
(Nicola pushes Glenn and Ollie out of the way and runs to the bathroom.)
Glenn
(to Nicola) Do you want your Rescue Remedy?
No, fuck off! (Nicola takes a few deep breaths...) Get me some ketamine. I want to separate my mind from my body.
Glenn
Jesus Christ, poor Nicola. I'm going to go and talk to the bastard.
Glenn
Take some reasonable...
(to Glenn, sarcastically) Yeah, that's right, rip your shirt off! Go on, Braveheart! FREEDOM!
Now that you've lost Geordie Julie, the merry fucking widow, you've got a hole in your speech. Right, so have we got a contingency for that?
Yeah, we'll figure it out, thank you.
Well look, why don't I help you? Let's roll some tits up the flagpole, and see if anyone gets wood!
Oh Christ, it's like being trapped in a fucking boys' toilet. (beat) Right, all we've got is Mannion's second holiday, we need to take the piss out of that.
OK, how about, er, "He's called Peter 'Two Holidays' Mannion"?
Glenn
Um, 'He's, um – works really hard – at planning his holidays'?
(unimpressed) That's really fucking quality fucking explosive sarcasm you're lobbing at them, mate. Boom.
Glenn
(to Nicola) I feel I'm in a therapy group being run by my own rapist.
Right, okay, well, how about...
(Suddenly, everybody's cell phones are ringing...)
Glenn
Oh my God...it's got out.
No, really? I thought it was room service cold-calling.
Who the fuck is leaking this out there? (to Ollie) Find out who's pissing this over the wall.
Yeah, w-well, the thing about the Internet, Malcolm, is it's quite big...
I don't know what he looks like. I don't...
(to Nicola) You need to get your people's champion out of this hotel before some tabloid minge-flannel starts soft-soaping her.
So we've got her back again now. Is that right?
Don't be so fucking touchy about this! I've a lot to fucking deal with here!
(sarcastically) MY responsibility again NOW! Doesn't matter about the speech. That's fine, Malcolm.
Yeah, it does fucking matter!
(Nicola then slams the bathroom door.)
Women, huh? Women slam the door, where did this idea come from, huh? (bangs on the bathroom door) WILMAAA! Fuck off!
(from inside the bathroom) I'm making a phone call.
Make a phone call! Phone a fucking friend!
(deleted scene)
Glenn
Why?
Because I'm gonna invite some hacks up here. I'm gonna give them some drinks, and I'm gonna show them what good mates we are, huh?
Glenn
Do we have to?
Yes, we do have to do it! And I want you to be telling some really fucking amusing anecdotes about our long weekend in Prague.
Glenn
(to Ollie) He's gonna hit me again, isn't he? I don't mind being hit, it's just the making up afterwards that scares me shitless.
(deleted scene)
Terri, I really need you to come down here and help me. All I've got here, right, is a psycho man, a bleeding man and a sarky teenager. It's like some fucking logic problem: 'How do I get the chickens across the river? How do I get the fucking chickens across the river?'
What's happened to Terri? She looks like a female impersonator!
Glenn
Yeah I know, I thought you only got made over like that at a gay undertaker's.Ollie: (re: Nicola's daughter, Ella) She's kicking off at school. Basically, ever since Malcolm made Nicola put her in the fucking comp, she's headed for what Mr. Neil Diamond I believe would have called 'a Sweet Columbine incident'.
Hey, do you know what, I wonder if we'll get to sneak up on Ollie and catch him not working.
Better still, I'd like to see him getting bollocked by Malcolm. (impersonates Malcolm) 'I'm gonna rip out ya bladder and wear it as a bandana!'
I need to know what Glenn Cullen looks like.
Oh, Glenn Cullen, er, fifties, kind of depressed looking; I always think of, like, a bloodhound.
OK, I'll get a picture of Mick Hucknall.
Peter (arriving): Morning, comrades! How goes the revolution?
Our tanks on their lawn at last, fuck-a-doodle-doo!
Talking of which, may I present the DoSAC Implementation Matrix!
Look, this is a very straightforward set of meetings with the senior civil servants. You know, 'Where's the stop-cock? Where can I get a decent cup of coffee? Here's our legislative agenda for the next three years'.
Yeah I know, but Stewart's very keen for us to use a visit to DoSAC as a scouting exercise?
Well I'm very keen to use Stewart's mouth as an ashtray, but it doesn't mean I'd do it.
Glenn
Well, that's a nice tan you haven't quite managed to get there, Peter.
Oh yes of course, that's very funny, because of the shitstorm you created about my second holiday. I had to cancel my second holiday. I see what you did there, you should be in stand-up.
Glenn Elton. 'Yes indeed, ladies and gentlemen!'
The Thick Of It · 395 quotes
