(The Department of Social Affairs has been renamed "The Department of Social Affairs and Citizenship" -- DoSAC for short.)
So, Hugh, this -- this new word, 'Citizenship.' Did the PM actually outline what it entails?
Well, to be honest, I think he was making the reshuffle up as he-as he went along, and I think we were very lucky that 'Citizenship' was the first word that sprang to mind. Otherwise we could be the Department for Social Affairs and Woodland Folk.
See, the problem is, though, Hugh, that there's been a bit of a rush with you not in place. Uh, you know, every department trying to unload all the stuff that they didn't want. But it's been like somebody driving a lorry down Whitehall, shouting "Bring out your shit." And they have and it's ended up at our door.
So what are we getting?
Citizenship basically involves, uh, cutting pensions to the Ghurkhas, rejigging the protocols for a rabies outbreak, some crap from Health about long-term care for the elderly that neither they nor we have any real idea about.
And what to do with the Isle of Man.
(annoyed) Just what I fucking need. Five new ways to lose my job.
(Hugh then starts eyeing a plant that he's just noticed is right next to his desk.)
Where did that come from?
Oh, Malcolm sent that.
It's far too big. Why-why did he send it?
Uh, office warming present.
So why did he send us a present?
I don't know.
Has Security checked this?
What for? Tiny little terrorists?
Yes.
(annoyed) It's a plant! Yes?!
(moving on) Okay, so...citizenshit. What we need to do is knock together some nice, touchy-feely, fondley, sneaky, hand-in-the-bra sort of policies.
New bicycles for special constables, that sort of thing?
Yeah.
Making special needs kids clean up graffiti?
(displeased) Yeah, that's just very mean.
Well, yes. Not, of course, as mean as making them spell "graffiti." That genuinely is very mean.
(to Hugh, calmly but not happily) I'll go and have a word with Malcolm.
Okay.
(After Glenn leaves the office, Hugh tries to reprimand Ollie for making a joke about special needs kids.)
You just took a shit with your clothes on, Ollie.
Why?
Glenn's boy, Peter. He went to a special needs school.
Oh.
Yep.
...Glenn's had sex?
God, you're such a prick, Ollie.
It's just a joke!
There's more to life, you know, than drinks parties at the Foreign Office and having Nick Robinson's mobile number on your fucking BlackBerry!
Yes. All right, all right, fine. Sorry, Hugh. I feel for the guy. I had a girlfriend with special needs once, so I know. (smiles smugly) Luckily, I was able to fulfill them.
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