[Later that night, Malcolm, Hugh, Glenn and Ollie are talking to Mary. They're discussing what's going to happen because of her being an actress in a focus group.]
[to Mary] Do you just want to think about what is going to happen tomorrow?
Because tomorrow, you are gonna find the press all over you –
No, not in a good way at all, I can tell you –
You know that film Notting Hill, have you seen that?
GlennShe's probably fucking in it.
You know that bit where the guy opens the door –
– and there's like millions of journalists and hacks and photographers and all flashbulbs are going off? In about four hours time, that's gonna be you, darling: they're gonna be all over you like fucking cockroaches.
Hugh [trying to comfort Mary]: It's OK, it's OK.
No no no no no no no no, it's NOT OK! It's not gonna be OK, and I'll tell you why: Because you're fair game. So I hope your knickers are clean. Because every seat-sniffing little shitbag that's ever filed a byline is gonna be questioning you. 'Cause now, it's in the fucking public interest, isn't it? And they're gonna hit you with any shit they can find and you're gonna be spread out there in front of them like a trollop in the stocks!
I still don't really understand what's going on.
We can hold those dogs back, right?
We can get you a nice journalist, yeah?
Glenn
Yes, exactly.
We can get you a nice young journalist, Angela Heaney...and maybe you...maybe you, I mean I don't know what shit that he made you sign, but whatever it was, it was bullshit. Maybe if you just say that, you know, uh, you were misquoted and also that Simon Hewitt's a prick, right? If you just said that...
Yeah, the journalist that you told your story to.
I, I didn't...I didn't talk to any journalist.
You spoke to Simon Hewitt.
You fucking spoke to Simon Hewitt, he's a fat guy with a tiny little dick the size of a bookie's biro. You fucking spoke to him.
[getting mad] I'd like to go now!
[Now, ALL the guys are shouting!]
Glenn
Did you speak to Simon Hewitt?
She didn't fucking speak to him.
[The guys are starting to realize that Mary's telling the truth.]
I don't know anyone called...Simon...whatever the fuck.
[Malcolm starts yelling under his breath.]
Glenn
She doesn't even know! [to Malcolm] Malcolm...Fuck's sake!
[talking about Malcolm] What's the matter with him?
Glenn
Ollie. [Glenn's motioning to Ollie to take Mary out of the room.]
[to Mary] Sorry for anything I said that might have upset you.
[trying to apologize to Mary] Sorry, darling. Sorry, love. Just been crossed lines, darling. Sorry about that...
[Ollie escorts Mary, who's understandably upset, out of the room.]
Glenn
She didn't even know!
That didn't really work, did it?
Glenn
Is it too late...
[confused and stunned] So can I just get this, this straight, just for my, just for my own sanity...
Glenn
Listen, if we get on the phone, can we pull the front page?
Glenn
You mean Heaney's piece is gonna go ahead anyway now?
Of course it's gonna fucking go ahead! I mean, I'm good but I can't fucking hold back the tide, can I? Alright, that's it. That's it. I'm going to bed.
Kind of ironic, really...
You're fucking on your own! [Malcolm angrily leaves, slamming the door.]
...because she, she hasn't actually spoken to, to Hewitt, uh...and we've, of our own volition, voluntarily released the story to the, to the press...unnecessarily. Um...Damn.
Did you say we were gonna do a press release?
Yes, erm, "Following a successful report stage debate, Secretary of State for Social Affairs, Hugh Abbot, today announced: 'I'm the fucking daddy!'"
Glenn
I'm good, thank you – Actually, I just thought you were very heavy-handed with the backbenchers. No need for it in this day and age.
Listen, Glenn. I mean, you know as well as I do, if you're going to make an omelette, you're going to have to have some frank and honest discussion with the eggs. And that's all I was doing.
So what time does this Daily Mail hack get here?
Glenn
Ten minutes, it's Angela Heaney, didn't I tell you?
So she left the Standard?
Glenn
That's right, absolutely.
Go on then: ask me some questions.
Glenn
Right, OK, I'll be Angela Heaney, and I'll ask you some questions.
My God, that's uncanny. Mind you, your tits are a bit bigger than hers.
Glenn
Is it true that, although this Housing Bill went through Parliament with incredible ease –
Actually, can you just do it as yourself? Sorry, it's just slightly unsettling.
Glenn
Right, erm – that you'll find a lot of difficulty in the real world?
On the contrary, this Bill is going to do an extraordinary amount of good for an extraordinarily large number of people. Ordinary people, but ordinary people who deserve a little bit of the extraordinary in their lives.
[both start giggling]
Glenn
Perfect. That's brilliant. That's brilliant!
Glenn
There you are, you see.
Go on, ask me something hard.
Glenn
Where's the Nazi gold, you donkey-shagger?
I'm very pleased you asked me that, Angela, because let me just say right away that this Bill is going to do an extraordinary amount of good for an extraordinarily large –
[Moments later, Malcolm is in Hugh's office, arguing with Glenn and Ollie over the scandal involving Hugh and his flat.]
[to Glenn] You haven't been accepting any offers?
Glenn
NO!
Glenn
Well, that wasn't the point! The whole deal was we put the flat on the market so if the press are asking us, we say, "Fuck off, he's selling it!" They'll go away and then, you know, Hugh's got a place in town!
[to Ollie] What the fuck is your girlfriend doing hitting us with this, huh?
Well, she's not my girlfriend, Malcolm. So I've no idea.
Oh, well you won't mind if I kill her then, will you?
It'd solve a lot of issues for me, to be honest with you.
Hey! Hey hey hey, if you could sweet-talk that sour-faced bitch into dropping us you'd be sweet to me, you'd be very very sweet –
If I could sweet-talk that sour-faced bitch into anything I would have had a more comfortable four months –
Yeah well, I'll just have to kill the both of you then, won't I?
That's a joke, by the way, not a very nice one, a nasty one which masks a lot of very negative feelings about this fucking department.
[Malcolm's cell phone rings...]
[looking at his phone] Oh, Jesus. Tom Davies. [answering] Tom! Hello, how are you? Yes. No no, he was already there when I got there, he was talking to her. [Malcolm leaves Hugh's office.]
[Hugh re-enters the office as he and his team try to create an emergency strategy of sorts.]
What is happening? That was supposed-that was supposed to be a nice interview.
Glenn
[to Hugh] What on Earth did you say to her?
I think-I think I denied being a racist. I hope so.
[to Hugh] You didn't say that you have lots of black friends, you didn't go...
Of course not. Well, I haven't-I haven't got any.
What did you say about the offers?
[stammering] I-I-I said I wasn't, I wasn't...someone else was handling the sale and I wasn't aware of any offers.
Glenn
Hugh?
Glenn
Did you mention me by name?
[still stammering] Um, possibly -- No, I-I don't think -- I-I may in between denying racism, possibly have, yes.
Glenn
[displeased] Thank you. Thank you very much. Thanks a fucking bunch!
[Terri enters the office.]
OK, so what's the line on this then?
I don't know, I don't know, I don't know. What is-what is the line on this?
Glenn
[to Hugh, still upset] I don't know! Don't look at me!
But we need to have a line on this.
[Malcolm re-enters the office with some surprise news.]
OK, we've got movement, we got a break.
Glenn
What? What? What?
To the Asian family, for 40 grand below the asking price. But that's alright.
Glenn
Jesus!
All the papers have got a hold of it. The Express has been making offers on it, at the asking price and also £30,000 more.
This is madness! I just own a flat, I haven't raped somebody!
[on her cell phone] Yeah, they're calling the scandal "Flatgate."
[whispering to Terri] Flatgate?!
Glenn
Well, that's crap. It's a crap name for a scandal.
They should call it "Notting Hill Gate-gate."
Can we at least stop calling it a scandal?
[to Terri, unamused] Are you joking? Are you joking now?
[leaving the office] On my way to stall.
[A moment of silence...and then...]
Maybe we can just blame it all on Terri.
Glenn
That is an option, isn't it?
(Ollie has had sex with Emma. And he realizes the whole office knows about it -- much to his dismay.)
Terri, is, uh -- (Ollie instead sees Robyn Murdoch.) Oh, hello, Robyn. Where's Terri? Is she not...
(smiling) Well, morning, Mr. Lover-Loverman!
Does -- Does nobody else ever shag anybody else in Westminster?
Glenn
(pretending to be seductive) Hey, Horatio! (beat) How's it hanging?
Glenn
Sleeping with the opposition, I hear, hey?
Glenn
What do they do? Do they keep a tight hold on the fiscal, um, the fiscal, you know, um...
Glenn
(beside himself) Shagging the opposition. Never would have happened in my day.
Well, she's not my opposite number, Glenn. 'Cause Levitt has gone to Shadow Defence, so she's doing Shadow Defence, so she's no longer Social Affairs, so...
Glenn
Did you manage to do some good while you were there and steal a few policy papers?
It's hard to know why you're so unsuccessful with the opposite sex. I'll tell you what, though...
Glenn
Where the fuck's Terri?
Oh, Terri. Did you not know?
Glenn
No.
Glenn
Malcolm's what?
Glenn
You're jo...
(At this moment, Hugh enters the office -- and even HE knows about Ollie's night of romance with Emma!)
(to Ollie) Morning, studmuffin. Enjoy your walk on the wild side? How was your dip in the wild blue – pussy?
Glenn
Hugh, I have some wonderful news for you. Terri's gone.
Glenn
Terri. Terri's gone.
Uh, yeah. A resignation bluff that went awry.
(very happy) NO! YES! OH, RESULT! WHOO! WHOO! ALL RIGHT! COME ON! HIGH FIVE!
(But Robyn comes into the office to deliver some sad news about Terri's father.)
(to Hugh) Secretary of State, um, just to let you know, Terri's father's, uh, had a stroke. It's pretty serious, um, so she's gonna be gone quite awhile.
(much more sympathetic) I'm...Oh dear, that's awful. I'm so sorry.
(Ollie is preparing for his trip to Number 10 in Hugh's office.)
(looking at Ollie's cell phone) Is this yours? Is this new?
Uh, yeah. I thought I'd get it for Number 10.
Yeah. Yeah, it's on the back.
(to Glenn) Happy slap him. Go on.
(to Hugh) How do you know about happy slapping? How do you begin to know about...
(But before Ollie could finish the question, Glenn gives Ollie a "Happy Slap" upside the head!)
(to Glenn) Hang on, I missed it. No, will you do it again?
(to Hugh) That's assault.
(Glenn happy slaps Ollie again.)
(to Glenn) Get off, will you?
(to Ollie) No, listen, it's all right, we can doctor the crime figures.
Glenn
(to Ollie) I really like this!
(to Glenn) I'll punch you in your substantial gut.
(And then, Robyn gives Ollie a happy slap, too!)
(to Robyn) Fucking hell, Robyn! You little fucker!
(Hugh and Glenn are laughing at Ollie's expense. Then, after the laughter dies down, the 2 of them decide to take a selfie of themselves on Ollie's cell phone.)
Glenn
(to Hugh) We should take one of us, so he's got something to remember us by.
(Glenn takes the pic.)
Glenn
(to Hugh) Because, you know, at the end of the week, you're gonna be head of the Policy Unit.
Yeah, then you'll both be out.
Giving head to the Policy Unit.
Glenn
(to Hugh) Hugh, can we, uh, do the prep for the factory visit now?
Glenn
We're gonna get there at about 12, 12:30, okay?
(Ollie picks up something from Hugh's desk -- and then gives Glenn a happy slap upside his head! Then, Ollie leaves.)
Glenn
(annoyed) Stupid boy.
Glenn
That was funny?
Glenn
I don't think it was funny.
I'm an elected representative of the people.
Glenn
Yes?
(Robyn Murdoch is a senior press secretary for the Department of Social Affairs. She is traveling with Glenn and Hugh to their factory visit.)
I've confirmed that they'll definitely be a regional news team filming our arrival, plus there will be four local papers.
Glenn
No nationals?
Well, this is very much a regional event. You know, I didn't think that...
Robyn, all events are regional, hmm? Everything that happens in the world has to happen somewhere. Do you see? Even JFK's assassination was a regional event. But it was also very important. Hmm? Like this factory visit? You see that?
(Hugh, Robyn, and Glenn arrive at the factory for their visit. Hugh gets out of the car first so he can say hello to the factory's employees.)
Hello. Hello, Hugh Abbot. Nice to meet you. Hello.
(But as soon as he starts saying hello to the employees, Hugh is caught off guard by a surprise confrontation from one of the workers!)
Do you know what it's like to clean up your own mother's piss?
Do you? I mean, she was in that home for 16 weeks. Do you know what it's like to clean up your own mother's piss?
That's, that's, that's very tough, isn't it? That's very, very tough, and our hearts, all our hearts, go out to you.
But do you know what it's like to get down and clean up your own mother's piss?
I-I think that I'm probably not the right person to talk to about this.
Urinary and affairs like that are probably more, more Health. So anyway, lovely to talk to you...
(Hugh turns his attention away from the woman and towards the factory, talking to a factory supervisor.)
What a fantastic -- What a fantastic landscaping! I really do think it makes an enormous difference to the workplace when you have this relationship with...
(But the Factory Woman won't let up.)
But is that your answer? Is that your answer?
Can I just say, we'll get someone to, to note your, your case and do what we can about it.
You'll get someone to note my case?! Nobody's noted my case!
(And when she sees Hugh touching her arm, she REALLY gets livid!)
STOP IT DON'T TOUCH ME! WHAT ARE YOU TOUCHING ME FOR? YOU DON'T KNOW ME! YOU DON'T EVEN WANT TO KNOW ME, DO YOU?
(stammering) I know, I do want, I would like to get to know you. I've just...
OH, WHY ARE YOU WALKING AWAY FROM ME, THEN? Would you like to know the facts? I'll tell you about the facts.
Glenn
The minister would love to know the facts.
There are two qualified nurses out of all those care assistants. Only two!
Glenn
(to Hugh, quietly) Give her a smile...
(Hugh gives the Factory Woman a sheepish smile, but that just makes the situation worse...)
WHAT ARE YOU SMILING AT? WHY ARE YOU DOING THAT? DO YOU THINK IT'S FUNNY? DO YOU THINK I'M FUNNY? DO YOU THINK MY MOTHER'S PISS IS FUNNY? WELL, IT'S NOT FUNNY! SHE'S NOT LAUGHING! SHE'S PISSING HERSELF! I'M NOT LAUGHING! I'M CRYING!
(A short while later, Hugh, who is on a higher level in the factory, is talking to Glenn on his cell phone. Glenn is on the ground level...and that pesky Factory Woman is screaming right at him!)
Glenn? Is she still saying it?
Glenn
Oh God, yes. (Glenn turns to the Factory Woman.) Would you please just give me a moment?
(Glenn continues his conversation with Hugh on his cell phone.)
Glenn
Yes. Yes, she's banging on about it even now. The trouble is, Hugh, they reckon they've got some great shots. You know...
Glenn
The thing is: Don't panic.
(The Factory Woman finally gets more of her 2 cents in...)
...BECAUSE IT'S DISGUSTING! YOU CANNOT TREAT PEOPLE LIKE THIS!
(Glenn's patience has finally run out.)
Glenn
CAN YOU PLEASE SHUT UP FOR ONE FUCKING MINUTE? I'm asking nicely. Please!
(Glenn finishes his phone conversation with Hugh.)
Glenn
Now, Hugh -- look, I'm gonna have to hang up.
Did you enjoy that? Did you enjoy that?
The Thick Of It · 395 quotes
