Sideshow Bob quotes from The Simpsons

Sideshow Bob

Hello, Bart.

AAAHH!! Sideshow Bob!

Sideshow Bob

Oh, come now, we have been through so much together. Just call me Bob.

AAAHH!! Bob!

Sideshow Bob

The trap is set. The killer will think this dummy is you out for an evening stroll. Now we lie and wait like hungry Cassius for noble Caesar.

Homer

You're so smart. [to Bart] Shock him.

Bart

Dad, I'm really glad you're still alive.

Homer

Yeah, it's every parent's dream to outlive their children. Goodnight, son. [he closes the door, unaware that Bob is hiding on the other side of the door]

Sideshow Bob

[jumps down] Hello, Bart. [Bart screams, but Bob quickly covers the boy's mouth with duct tape. He tries reaching for the shock remote, only to find that it is missing.] Looking for this? [He shows Bart the remote he had stolen before tossing it out the window and taking the knife out of his pocket.] Now I'm going to take some advice that was given to me by Lenny, and kill you without doing. [He raises the knife to strike, but looks at Bart's pleading eyes before stopping.] One thrust, and the deed is done. [He raises the knife again, but pauses again at the look of the boy's pleading face before lowering the knife again.] I... I can't do it.

Bart

[muffled] Huh? Why not?

Sideshow Bob

Well, I guess I've—dear God—grown accustomed to your face! [starts singing "The Very Reason That I Live"]

Homer

[bangs on the wall from the other room] Bart! Turn down that original cast recording and go to sleep! [The banging loosens the knife from the wall, and Bart falls down to the floor and tries escaping while sneaking behind Bob.]

Sideshow Bob

[continues] I know this chubby scalliwag

Bart

[removes the tape from his mouth and sings] You've grown accustomed to my face?

Sideshow Bob

This isn't a duet.

Bart

Sorry. [puts the tape back on his mouth]

Sideshow Bob

I've grown accustomed to your fear,

Homer

[Upon hearing that Sideshow Bob has a wife and son] Holy moly! I always thought you were, you know, out loud and proud.

Sideshow Bob

Well, I experimented in college, as one does.

Homer

Yeah, I never went to college.

Sideshow Bob

[sarcastic] Stop the presses.

Sideshow Bob

Let's not tarry. As Shakespeare said, "If it were done when 'tis done, then 'twere best it were done quickly." Power on! [He turns on the laptop and laughs maniacally.] This time, I've made no mistakes. [leaves]

Lisa

Actually, you made one. What Shakespeare really said was, "'Twere well it were done quickly."

Sideshow Bob

Yes, I'm sure you've studied the Immortal Bard extensively under your "Miss Hoover". [Leaves and shuts the door.]

Lisa

Macbeth, act one, scene seven. Look it up.

Sideshow Bob

[re-entering] I shall! [He takes the laptop.] Come on, Wikipedia, load, you unwieldy behemoth! [The laptop explodes.] Oh, dear, Sideshow Bob, "Hoist on his own petard".

Lisa

It's "hoist with his own petard".

Sideshow Bob

Oh, get a life.

Homer

Yet another new restaurant fails.

Bart

Bob's playing you all like saps! This man's a killer!

Sideshow Bob

Oh, how he accuses me, at my very own trial! I can take no more! I...I...I didn't want to use this, but you've left me no choice! [take out Nitroglycerin]

Nitroglycerin?! Everybody panic! [people in the courtroom scream and scurry in terror]

Bart

Yoink! [he snatches the nitroglycerin out of Bob's hands] Foiled again, freak! [then he tosses it out the window]

Sideshow Bob

You don't understand! I...I...[groans as he begins to collapse onto the courtroom floor].

Sideshow Bob

Before you die, perhaps you'd like to know how I engineered my ultimate revenge.

Homer

I'd like to know if Wes Doobner is aware of what you're doing in his restaurant!

Sideshow Bob

I'm Wes Doobner!

Homer

Mr. Doobner, I have a complaint: I work hard and when I go out with my family, I expect a certain level of basic--

Sideshow Bob

Shut up!

Sideshow Bob

Your Honor, I choose to represent myself. And let me say... I did try to kill the Simpsons. I truly did.

[to Homer and Marge] Okay, if he doesn't say "but" right now, we are home free.

Sideshow Bob

But--

Damn!

Sideshow Bob

When they find your ashes, they'll think it's me. And I'll be far away with my loving family. It's the perfect crime.

Cecil

And it was my portrayal as the grieving brother that sealed the deal!

Sideshow Bob

[coldly] Yes, and Hamlet is all about Laertes!

Cecil

[annoyed] Will you please stop comparing me to Laertes!?

Sideshow Bob

If the doublet fits...

Bart

You missed the turn-off, Mr. Warren.

Sideshow Bob

[in his Walt Warren disguise] You don't have to call me Mr. Warren anymore. You see, Bart, you were right all along. [He takes off Walt's shoes, revealing his huge ugly feet] I am Sideshow Bob.

Bart

Y'know, the great ones can kill without explaining.

Sideshow Bob

I can stand in one state, fire a gun in the second state, the bullet will travel through the third, hitting you in the fourth, so you'll fall down dead in the fifth! No single act is against any law, but their sum total is the greatest murder since Snape killed Dumbledore!

Bart Simpson

Oh, I haven't gotten to that part yet!

Sideshow Bob

It's a four-year-old book.

Bart Simpson

I'm a slow reader.

Sideshow Bob

A fitting epitaph [pause] It means last words!

Bart

Are you here to teach me, or kill me?

Sideshow Bob

Bart, And don't you think the parts that aren't evil, are a little...pretentious.

Bart

Absolutely...we're talking about Lisa, right?

We should team up, I can get you out of here.

Sideshow Bob

A partner, intriguing, who gets to gut him like a little pot-bellied salmon?

I assumed we'd take turns.

Sideshow Bob

No deal.

Bart

Mr. Largo? Hmm, something's wrong. That music is in tune...

Sideshow Bob

Hello, Bart!

Bart

Aah! Sideshow Bob!!

Sideshow Bob

'Twas I who texted you... using Milhouse's phone! Did you know his wallpaper is American Girl Doll? Now let me put this in terms that a young boy would understand: [he opens a violin case and takes out a harpoon gun, then aims it at Bart while he speaks] you and I have danced a grand pas de deux worthy of Nijinsky, but this... is... the final... plié!

Bart

[unamused] Yawn. You couldn't kill me with that thing if I drew an "X" on my forehead. [he does so with blue chalk, then makes a taunting dance] Bob and a spear gun, sitting in a tree, S-U-C-K-I-N- [Bob shoots him with the gun, impaling him in the chest; he doesn't seem fazed, at first] Ha! Nice try, Bob, but I'm sure you made some... [he starts to falter] stupid... mistake...

Sideshow Bob

Not this time. [yanks the spear projectile from Bart's chest, pulling out his heart]

Bart

[in a weaker voice] Tell my father... he's... fat... [dies]

Sideshow Bob

[smiles in triumph] The deed is done. 24 years of trying to kill a ten-year-old child have finally paid off.

Sideshow Bob

And now, Bart, let's bring the old "spark" back to our special relationship! [He pulls the lever and activates the machine; in a second, Bart is born anew with no ill effects]

Bart

[gets sassy] You couldn't kill me if I came in with pneumonia and a knife in my back. [Bob pulls out a sledgehammer and kills him again with one whack on the head]

Sideshow Bob

I didn't care for the "thwock" the sledgehammer made. [tosses the hammer and returns to the Reanimator] No worries, I'll just kill him again. [activates the Reanimator again and revives Bart]

Bart

[with a confident smile] That's why I'm the Unkillable Kid. [Bob arrives and hits him with the sledgehammer again, this time in the stomach, but nothing happens] Still not dead. [Bob gets annoyed and whacks him on the head again] Psych! [Bob then gets infuriated and whacks him in a frenzy] Ay carumba! [the whacking continues until his guts spill out and he finally succumbs to his wounds]

Sideshow Bob

We're both going to be sore tomorrow! [cackles in glee and revives Bart again, starting a death montage]