Lisa Simpson quotes from The Simpsons

Lisa

Mom, Dad, with Bart away, I can now fulfill a dream I never dared speak aloud. For one fleeting weekend, I want to live as... an only child.

Marge

"Only child"? What about Maggie?

Lisa

Um, I kind of made alternate arrangements for her.

Patty

Time for a Flip This Bathroom marathon.

Selma

Ooh, baby, Mama loves her terra route.

Lisa

[points to the sibling pie chart] As you can see on this pie chart, this is the time you spend on my older and younger siblings. So, if you'll just humor a middle child's most frivolous whimsy, I would like you to spend the entire weekend focusing only on me.

Homer

No.

Marge

Homer! [To Lisa] Of course we will.

Lisa

[hugs her parents] Oh, it's wonderful! Oh, and for the next two days, I would like you to call me Jules. I think an only child would have a name... [flips the page with another pie chart with Jules's name on it] like Jules.

Okay! Our first only-child activity is gonna be playing horsey. Start working on your neighs.

Marge

Everybody, out, out, out, out, out! Me and the floors deserve to savor every minute of our special spa day. And take the dog. Now it's my time to make these stains "herstory."

Lisa

Ugh, are you quoting their actual slogan?

Marge

I'm quoting my wildest dreams.

Lisa

Okay, so far, the neighborhood rage is contained to just dog lovers. Oh, no. It's spread to the cat people. Oh, now it's the horse crazies.

Marge

Those horse crazies don't mess around.

Oh, look who it is, Little Miss Google Noodle.

Lisa

This isn't fair. There's four times as many of you.

Kearney

She's trying to teach us to multiply.

Get her! [She and the male bullies surround Lisa to beat her up, but Lisa crawls out of their circle and runs off into a magic club]

Remember that principal we arrested for matricide?

Lisa

[gasps] Skinner killed his mother?

No, mattress-cide. He ripped the tag off his mattress.

Marge

Thanks to your little prank, 25 library books were ruined. Haven't we told you that books are precious?

Homer

I'm afraid to count how many times I've said that.

Bart

No, you weren't even there. I was just trying to make it fun for the kid. You never take my side.

Homer

Side? Get a load of this kid with a side. [Yells at Bart] How dare you defend yourself? You are the destroyer!

Marge

Yes, that's it. The destroyer. You ruin everything, even our holiday picture. [Shows Bart their holiday picture]

Homer

There's no such thing as Christmas fangs! I had to wear a scarf to midnight mass.

Marge

I don't have a moment when I'm not worried about what you'll do next. [Loses her breath] I can't... I ju... I can't...

Homer

Babe, babe, tag me in. I can take him. [Marge tags Homer, and he leaps over the bed] Destroyer. Our house is filled with unexploded pranks. Any toilet seat could be covered in superglue.

Lisa

[enters the bedroom, carrying a glass of hot dog water] Bart put hot dog water in the ice maker. He's the destroyer!

Homer

I just told him that.

Lisa

Good. [puts the glass on the floor]

Homer

Ten years as your father has left me empty. Like an orange soda bottle at a picnic sticky and covered with dying bees! I'm just... I c-- I can't...

Marge

Babe, babe. [Homer tags Marge and collapses]

Marge

Okay, punishments. What's your least favorite vegetable?

Bart

Swiss chard. [gasps]

Marge

You're looking at a whole lot of swiss chard sandwiches, buster.

Homer

[gets up on his feet] And you're never allowed to read a book again!

Bart

Perhaps, but on the other hand... [Burps at Lisa in her face, then laughs]

Lisa

Ugh. Mom!

Bart

Gotcha!

Marge

Bart, say excuse me.

Lisa

Hello, Bob.

Sideshow Bob

H-how did you get in here?

Lisa

Well, I knew if I killed enough people in the most gruesome possible ways, they'd send me to your prison. But to get into your cell, I had a little help.

Sideshow Bob

Lisa the killer? I never thought you had it in you.

Lisa

[slicks back her hair] The Lisa you knew? Didn't. [musses it up again] But I'm another story!

Sideshow Bob

Oho, really? Split personalities? Trope alert! Call the first thought police!

Lisa

[scene shows Lisa killing her victims] Professor Lisa had no idea she was my accomplice. [scene changes back to the present] But she's gone now. She was my last victim. Or rather, [takes a knife, grinning menacingly] second to last.

Sideshow Bob

The penultimate! [Bob steps onto a rake and it whacks him. He grumbles.]

Lisa

Have you seen our dad?

No, just these hundreds of silly versions of him, which is the greatest thing that has ever happened to me. I mean I'm printing money over here.

Bart

I call a drumstick.

Homer

Nice try, boy, but we agreed I'd get both drumsticks every Thanksgiving on the day you were born.

Bart

Aw, no fair. I was too young to sign that.

Homer

I believe this is your foot, is it not? And I had it notarized.

Bart

[turns red in anger] Why you giant.. [angrily strangles Homer]

Lisa

[sighs] But the worst was yet to come. That Thanksgiving would surpass Christmas and my birthday as the saddest day of the year.

Marge

Stimulus checks? We were supposed to catch these during the pandemic. Should we spend the money now or wait for the next one?

Bart

So what are we gonna blow it on, jet ski or motorbike? Vroom, vroom, vroom!

Lisa

[to Marge] Mom, there is something I've always wanted for this family, but it's not a thing, exactly.

Bart

Vroom?

Lisa

...but rather, it's an experience. Something we can all treasure and talk about for years to come.

Marge

Wow. Well, then maybe we should do it.

Bart

[to Marge] Wait, that's the move? Go all sincere and emo? Gross.

Lisa

There is one small issue. My idea will take finessing with Dad.

Marge

Hmm.

[the dogs barking] Monster. Monsters all. Ow!

Lisa

So he's afraid of germs on toilet seats.

No, he's afraid of rotisserie chicken. Lisa, if we can use this exposures treatment to get you comfortable in cars, that might help you overcome your other anxieties.

Lisa

Okay, I'll do whatever it takes.

Well, I must warn you, it won't be fun.

Lisa

Okay, missing a wheel, no brakes, still in control. Okay, now I'm not in control, but still calm. Wow, I have a great therapist.

She's gonna die!

Lisa

I am so sorry. You can sell my Malibu Stacy Dream House. It's increased in value. I just redid the kitchen.

Homer

Relax. We're not gonna sell your toys. The sax is where the real money is.

Marge

Homer.

Homer

What? My upper-lower, middle-lower, lower-class income isn't gonna get us out of this.

Marge

Hmm. In order to save this family, I'm gonna have to do something I've never done before, get a job.

Bart

Oh, you've had tons of jobs: cop, realtor, gym owner, erotic baker, weed sommelier.

Lisa

Mom, maybe you could tell a story about us when we were younger.

Marge

Um, we've done that a few times. Not sure what stories are left. Maggie's first tooth, Grampa's last tooth, the time Homer thought he invented stuffed crust pizza.

Homer

I did invent it. [picks up a paper of Crust Insert Stuff with Pizza on it] I'm the Thomas Edison of stuffing things with cheese.

Bart

Including yourself.

Homer

[turns red in anger] Why you little. [strangles Bart]

Bart

Your primitive strangling is no match for fireplace tongs. [strangles Homer with a fireplace tongs, then Homer tickles him, Homer turns his face normal, then he and Homer lays on the floor]

Homer

We just made some memories, boy.