Bart Simpson quotes from The Simpsons

Now, ladies, when you agreed to do this show, you were told you would be living with a millionaire on his private island. Well, I'm afraid we've misled you. [the women gasp]

Marge

[watching show] Get ready, skanks! Here comes the Truth Train!

This isn't an island at all. It's a peninsula!

[walking away] This was supposed to be about trust!

[crying] I just want to get on that boat and go home!

Well, you don't need a boat, because you can walk.

Bart

[Watching the show] What do those women expect? When you sign a contract with FOX, you know you're going to be betrayed and humiliated!

Homer

Quiet, the commercials are on! [Everyone looks at him] If we don't watch these, it's like we're stealing TV!

Bart

[holding a watch] A minute, and five seconds. That's a new record. Come on, let's go.

Bart

Oh, no. Nelson. Are you OK?

No. I think I'm going to be sick.

Lisa

[working as the judge in "Simpson Family Court"] Now up, the case of Simpson v. Simpson.

Homer

Mr. Simpson, do you think it's appropriate for a ten-year old boy to steal a beer with intent to kiss?

Bart

Do you think it was appropriate to bet against your son's little-league team?

Homer

Wh-? Permission to treat this witness as hostile? [takes out a baseball bat]

Bart

Let me get this straight: when you were my age, you had the hots for mom and didn't even know it? Oh, that's cool! Or is that lame? I guess I'll go with lame. You're lame!

Homer

Why? Because I only kissed one girl in my whole life? That's still one more than you.

Bart

I've kissed three girls.

Homer

[cries] I'm so lame!

Bart

[being burned on a frying pan by Kang and Kodos] Am I the only one here who's in horrible pain?

Homer

[eating himself on a frozen dish] You're the only one who won't shut up about it!

Homer

Captain!

Lisa

Science officer!

Bart

Security!

Marge

Marge!

Mr. Burns

Now I insist you take off your shoes when you get inside. And while you're in there, grab as much cancer as you can.

Lisa

Mr. Flanders, why are you moving?

Flanders

Cause I had a vision of myself... shooting your father.

Bart

In this neighborhood, who hasn't?

Lisa

Well, you can't fight fate, but if you must shoot our father, please remember our family motto: "Not in the face."

Bart

[spots Flanders and his sons as shrunken heads] I recognize the missionaries!

Flanders

I just told a Native they were having sex the wrong way.

Bart

[to Marge] Mom, did you have to fly out through all those boogers?

Marge

Cut me some slack, I'm a widow.

Bart

I'm just spreading the Playdude philosophy... hi-fi's, Norman Mailer, gettin' some.

Homer

Um... what do you think "some" is?

Bart

Uh... toys?

Homer

[Preparing to teach Bart about sex] Son, do you know what a "boob" is?

Bart

Oh, yeah.

Homer

Oh, good. That will save us some time.

Homer

Okay, why do you think your mother and I sleep in the same bed?

Bart

Because we're poor?

Homer

Exactly, and we're poor because we have kids. And the biological method by which children are created by a man and a woman is...

Bart

Then the man...

Then the woman...

Homer

Well, better they hear it from me, now, than from their parents when they're old enough.

Duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck-

Duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck,-

Bart

Say goose, you stupid freak!

Marge

It'll be B.L.A.M.! Bart, Lisa, and Mom! Hmmm?

Bart

Mom, when I want lame and needy, I'll call Milhouse.

Marge

I would've followed Chloe, but my plans changed when God brought me a wonderful little boy. Bart, stop that!

Bart

This isn't what it looks like. [continues sawing]