Homer Simpson quotes from The Simpsons

Now just remember two rules. One, stick to Springfield. If I ever catch you on my turf, I’ll rip off your head, then I'll vomit down your neck, pull out your heart, show it to your head, and shove ‘em both down your neck hole, to which I previously alluded.

Homer

[Mumbling] "...which I previously alluded." Are there two "L’s" in "alluded"?

Homer

[Chuckles] I guess I'm more powerful than God now.

Ned

You know what they say: "With great power comes great responsibility."

Homer

Who said that?! I'll kill them with my power!

Marge

Bart, I'm starting to worry about your father.

Bart

Well, I know he seems to get dumber every year, but lately he's plateaued.

Homer

Oh, my God multiple parking tickets, handicapped spot, parked by a hydrant, incomprehensible vanity plate. If my life as a tow truck driver was a teleplay, this would be the end of act 2.

I thought I told you to stay off my turf.

Homer

What? I'm still in Springfield. Wha...?! Okay, I made a mistake. Why don't you give me two demerit points in a point system we work out right now? Put me down, you lousy-- Okay, I'm warning you--I'll kill you, you son of a...--All right buddy, that's it, I've had-- You... let go! All right, Just... let... go. Oh, a trap door. What's down there? Your Meatball collection?

Goodbye

Homer

I thought we were friends! I was kidding you in a friendly fashion!

Marge

Homer, you cannot miss Lisa's big day. And you have to come sober!

Homer

American sober or Irish sober?

Marge

.08 sober!

Homer

.15.

Marge

.09!

Homer

.10 with a stomach full of bread. My final offer.

Marge

[groans] Deal.

Marge

Homie, I made you my killer lasagna.

It's poisoned! Whatever you do, don't eat it!

Okay, you're already eating it. Just don't finish it!

Okay, you finished it. But don't ask for--

Homer

Seconds, please!

You moron! Just kill her!

Homer

[to brain] I'll kill her after dessert!

Marge

All those nights I thought you were out getting drunk, you were out killing people?!

Homer

I was out getting drunk, then killing people!

Homer

Here, Millhouse, why don't you cheer up with a glass of Ocean Spray. [catches himself] Oh boy forget that. How about some Cap'n Crunch? [catches himself] Seven Seas Italian Dressing? Oh no no no. Uhh... Chicken of the Sea tuna? Ahh. Billy Ocean CD? The History of Atlantic Records?

Marge

Stop naming things!!!

Homer

I want to but I can't.

Marge

Then go to Moe's.

Homer

Good idea. I'll drown my sorrows in Anchor Steam Beer. [Looks at Milhouse] Oh ho ho I'm sorry. [Covers his mouth and leaves]

Homer

Where is it? I gotta find out what color Marge's eyes are. Ah! Cha-ching!

Homer

Ohh! Oh, Marge darling... What's the combination to our wedding album?

Marge

Our anniversary.

Homer

[Pauses] D'oh!

Homer

We're gonna be rich! We can finally start a family.

Marge

We have a family.

Homer

A better one!

Marge

That's funny. There's nobody here.

Homer

More ribs for me!

Bart

There are no tables or chairs.

Homer

More ribs for me!

Lisa

And there's no sign of an oven, kitchen or food anywhere.

Homer

[uneasy] More ribs for me?

Hello, Simpsons! [laughs evilly]

Homer

Finally, some service. Now listen, we want to sit under a cool state license plate; Michigan or better!

[Sideshow Bob's actual voice] Silence! You've all stumbled into my ingenious trap.

Lisa

That voice...[groans] I knew that commercial was a trick, specifically designed to lure our family here, and Wes Doobner's World Famous Family Style Rib Huts is actually an anagram!

Welcome to "Sideshow Bob's World Famous Family Style Return!" [rearranges the letters, then tears off his cowboy hat, wig and false moustache to reveal his true identity as Sideshow Bob]

AH! Sideshow Bob!

Sideshow Bob

Let's not tarry. As Shakespeare said, "If it were done when 'tis done, then 'twere best it were done quickly." Power on! [He turns on the laptop and laughs maniacally.] This time, I've made no mistakes. [leaves]

Lisa

Actually, you made one. What Shakespeare really said was, "'Twere well it were done quickly."

Sideshow Bob

Yes, I'm sure you've studied the Immortal Bard extensively under your "Miss Hoover". [Leaves and shuts the door.]

Lisa

Macbeth, act one, scene seven. Look it up.

Sideshow Bob

[re-entering] I shall! [He takes the laptop.] Come on, Wikipedia, load, you unwieldy behemoth! [The laptop explodes.] Oh, dear, Sideshow Bob, "Hoist on his own petard".

Lisa

It's "hoist with his own petard".

Sideshow Bob

Oh, get a life.

Homer

Yet another new restaurant fails.

Sideshow Bob

Before you die, perhaps you'd like to know how I engineered my ultimate revenge.

Homer

I'd like to know if Wes Doobner is aware of what you're doing in his restaurant!

Sideshow Bob

I'm Wes Doobner!

Homer

Mr. Doobner, I have a complaint: I work hard and when I go out with my family, I expect a certain level of basic--

Sideshow Bob

Shut up!

Chief Wiggum

[to Homer] What's goin' on here, Simpson? Am I gonna need the zip strips?

Marge

Everything's fine, cupcakes and sprinkles.

Chief Wiggum

Oh, really? Then how did you get that? [Points to Marge's black-eye. Speaks to Homer:] What gives, Simpson? Givin' your wife an Irish kiss?

Homer

[off-screen] No, I swear!

Marge

It was my fault, I..... I walked into a door.

Chief Wiggum

Walked into a door? That is the lamest excuse I've ever... [Accidentally smacks into the door on his way out.] All right, door. You're comin' downtown. [Cuffs himself to the door.]

Homer

I don't know if I should be showing this to you kids.

Relax, we're not really your kids. We're representations of them created in your mind.

Homer

Really? If I created all this, then that means I can have pizza whenever I want.

Homer

[Picks up the phone.] Hello, I'd like an extra large pepperoni and mushrooms. [annoyed] 35 Minutes? [Homer angrily hangs up the phone.]

Homer

Dad, I can't remember what I did last night. Do have any idea?

Grampa

You come to me for help rememberin'? That's like asking your horse to do your taxes -which I did in 1998.