Homer Simpson quotes from The Simpsons

Homer

If he marries your mother, Marge, we'll be brother and sister! And then our kids... they'll be horrible freaks with pink skin, no overbites, and five fingers on each hand!

Homer

[after Marge kicks him out of his house] Oh. Fine. If that's what you want, you've got it. [walks away from his house] This scene is gettin' old, man. I'm hittin' the road. Maybe I'll drop you a line someday from wherever I wind up in this crazy old world. [walks into the streets]

Homer

[drowsy and in a Cuban accent] In America... first you get the sugar... then you get the power... then you get the women.

Homer

Lisa, stop the racket, I'm trying to fix your mother's camera. Easy... easy... [smashes camera by using both hammer and drill] Hmmm... I'm gonna need a bigger drill.

Homer

"Don't touch anything"?! I'll touch whatever I feel like! [Homer begins smashing everything in sight]

Homer

Come on, Marge, I want to shake off the dust of this one-horse town. I want to explore the world. I want to watch TV in a different time zone. I want to visit strange, exotic malls. I'm sick of eating hoagies. I want a grinder, a sub, a foot-long hero. I want to live, Marge! Won't you let me live? Won't you, please?!

Homer

Marge, what's wrong? Are you hungry? Sleepy? Gassy? Is it gas? It's gas, isn't it?

Homer

[upset about being left out] Why won't those stupid idiots let me in their crappy club for jerks?

Homer

So, this driving on the left makes you feel more at home, huh, Hugh?

Homer

Aww, so that's wrong with the poor fella. He misses casual sex.

Homer

Come on, I'll give you a piggyback ride-- Whoops, I mean a veggie-back ride home. Come on.

Homer

[laughs] I've got your doughnut, Lard Lad! And what are you going to do about it?

Homer

Ah, the Miracle Mile, where value wears a neon sombrero and there's not a single Church or Library to offend the Eye. There it is! The chain that put the "fat" in "fat Southern Sheriffs".

Homer

Oh, Mom, I'm sorry I never visit, I'm just not a cemetery person. [reads tombstone engraving] "Here...lies..."

Homer

Walt Whitman?! Arrrrgggghh!!! Damn you, Walt Whitman! [kicking the stone] I-hate-you-Walt-freaking-Whitman! Leaves of Grass, my ass!

Homer

STEALING?! HOW COULD YOU?! Haven't you learned anything from that guy who gives sermons at church, Captain what's-his-name? We live in a society of laws! Why do you think I took you to see all those Police Academy movies?! FOR FUN?! Well, I didn't see anyone laughing! -Except for that one guy who made sound effects. [Homer makes a series of random sound effects then laughs] Where was I? Oh yeah, stay out of my booze.