The Office (US) · Season 7
I traded a thumb tack for Meredith's junk, for Kelly's crap, for Phyllis's garbage, for Oscar's trash, for Stanley's crap, for Ryan's junk, for Creed's garbage, for a very cute squid that Erin happened to have.
[...continues in next scene]
I started with a thumb tack and traded my way to a telescope. But in a way the most valuable thing here wasn't the telescope at all. No. It was this packet of beans. So I traded telescope or it, and I can just go buy another telescope.
To beginnings and endings.
And to middles, the unsung heroes. And to moms.
The moms and the troops.
Do not tell my fiance I'm drinking on a Wednesday.
I won't. I don't know her.
I'm moving out to the 'burbs. Actually, I'm moving further than the 'burbs, I'm moving to Colorado.
Colorado! The Sunshine State.
Yep. Don't mess with Colorado.
Doing some skiing?
No, no. I don't want to end up like Sunny Bobo.
Well, that's just good sense right there. Everyone I know who skis is dead.
Michael, the last time I was exposed to a peanut I was itchy for three days, OK? I had to take baths constantly. I missed the O.J. verdict. I had to read about it in the paper like an idiot.
Uhhh, you sir! Are we having fun tonight?
Having a great time.
Oh good!
Thanks, yeah.
Where were you on September 11th?
No! God!
Sorry we're late, we were waiting in line at the DMV
Fall asleep right after sex...right guys?
Nope, go back to the script
[The entire office staff sings a surprise song to Michael to the tune of "Seasons of Love" from Rent]
Nine million, nine hundred eighty six thousand minutes! We actually sat down, and did the math.
Nine million, nine hundred eighty six thousand minutes! That's how many minutes, that you've worked here.
In costumes!
And impressions!
In meetings.
And cups of coffee.
For birthdays!
More meetings and...
...E-mail forwards you made us read.
Nine million, nine hundred eighty six thousand minutes! That's like watching Die Hard, eighty thousand times!
You hit me with your car!
You helped me get off drugs!
I watch you when you sleep.
I forgive you for kissing me!
Remember to call. Call. Remember to call. Call. Remember to call. Call.
Call, text or e-mail, or call.
[falsetto] Measure your life in love!
Remember to call, remember to call. Remember to call.
[reading Michael's recommendation letter] "To whom it may concern." Good, real personal. Thanks Michael. "The dictionary defines superlative as: of the highest kind, quality, or order, surpassing all else, or others. Supreme." That's great. If I wanted the dictionary definition, I'd buy a dictionary. "I define it as Dwight Schrute. As a sales executive, as a leader, as a man, and as a friend, he is of the highest kind, quality, and order. Supreme." [holding back tears] Lots more like that, really repetitive. What's this? [pulls out a small card from the envelope and reads it] "Two forty five, behind the building. Paintball." Oooh yeah.
So I've been meaning to tell you, I wanna take you out for lunch. For your last day.
Oh...
What do you think? Tomorrow? Lunch, you and me?
Okay...
You're not leaving tomorrow. You're leaving today, right?
Maybe.
Wow, so that's it, huh? Just four o'clock and you are gone for good.
Why am I so sad? Am I doing the wrong thing?
Absolutely not. It's just that sometimes...goodbyes are a bitch.
[pulls out a tape recorder and speaks into it] T-shirt idea: "Goodbyes Stink." [puts tape recorder away] Okay, alright. So, James Halpert. [starts to cry] You started with this company as a fine young man...
You know what I think we should do? I think we should just save the goodbyes for tomorrow. At lunch.
Oh, okay.
And then tomorrow, I can tell you...[tears up]...what a great boss you turned out to be. The best boss I ever had.
[voice-over as he leaves the office in a cab, arrives at the airport, and goes through security] Well, got almost everybody, so...Holly's my family now. She's my family, and the babies that I make with her will be my children. The people that you work with are just, when you get down to it, your very best friends. They say on your deathbed, you never wish you spent more time at the office, but I will. Got to be a lot better than a deathbed. I actually don't understand deathbeds. I mean, who would buy that?
[Cut to Michael at last checkpoint putting his shoes back on] Well, I guess this is it. Hey, will you guys let me know if this ever airs? Thank you. All right...oh. [Removes the wireless mic from his jacket] This is gonna feel so good getting this thing off my chest. [Hands device over. No audio] That's what she said. Bye.
[He walks a few steps until Pam, shoes in hand, catches up to him. The dialogue is not heard as they share a couple of hugs and a kiss on the cheek, and he walks down the airport as Pam looks on.]
No, he wasn't sad. He was full of hope...about Colorado, and he was hoping to get an upgrade as an awards member. And he said he was just real excited to get home and see Holly.
Oh, there's an inner circle. Oh yeah.
There is no inner circle. Deangelo just prefers to delegate a few things to a few guys.
Jim only says that because he's in the inner circle. I also say that because I am also in the inner circle. Did you get that, Ma? Your boy, Kevin Malone, is IN the inner circle! Which doesn't exist.
So this is my life. Until I win the lottery. Or Pam finally writes that series of young adult books.
So one afternoon, while walking home from school, quirky 10th grader Becky Walters finds a wounded Pegasus in the woods. And she becomes...The Horse Flyer.
Dwight has been acting manager for three months now. No, a week. Just feels like three months. Let's see, we all have to punch in to a time clock, which is very old, very strong, and has a slot about the size of a finger. We were all given new business cards big enough to set us apart from the competition, which is how I learned that our titles are all now "Junior Employee". Our lunch breaks are staggered to prevent wasting time. Mine's at 10:30, and I find that the first hour of the day goes by a lot quicker than the second seven hours.
Dwight! Walk me out. Let's talk soon. And stay on top of these people. You gotta admit it - it's nice to have a little power, eh? How's it feel?
Jo, I accidentally fired a gun in the office today.
What?!
I am telling you this because I care too much about this job to be blackmailed into doing it poorly. All I've ever wanted was to be manager here. And if you feel that you cannot promote me over this one accident, I understand. But if you think that extortion is worse...
Shooting is worse! Are you kidding me? It's not even in the same...you shot a gun? What is wrong with you?
It was a Beaumont-Adams, if that helps.
Beaumont-Adams is a girl's gun. That just makes it plain stupid.
I take full responsibility.
Who else would be responsible?
Pam made me put a banana in my holster.
You shot a gun off.
OK, did I make a mistake? Yes. Do I regret the decision that I made? Yes.
Oh, stop asking yourself easy questions so you can look like a genius.
Got it.
I worked for the last boss for 15 years. According to my doctor, I don't have another 15 years if I want to keep up the same dietary and sexual lifestyle. Which I intend to.
[Pretending to be a client so Creed doesn't ruin the company] Hello, this is...the client.
It's Creed. FYI, I'm starting my own paper company, looking to poach some chumps. You in?
Yes.
[Laughs] Cool. Let's keep this on the QT, OK? I don't want you to be a dead mama jama.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Office (US) pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
