What is wrong with these people? They have no willpower. I once went 28 years without having sex. And then again for seven years.
S5 E1Weight Loss
I swallowed a tapeworm last night. It's going to grow up to three feet inside of me and then it eats all my food so that I don't get fat. And then after three months I take some medicine and then I pass it. Creed sold it to me. It's from Mexico.
[cuts to Creed in an interview]
That wasn't a tapeworm.
Kelly.
Oh, hello Ryan. You look well.
I wanted to say I'm sorry... for treating you bad the past couple years. I was in my mid twenties and I was going through a lot of stuff. I think I never fully processed 9/11.
Thank you. Holly is right. People, this is not just about winning some extra vacation days. This is about a very cool HR initiative that if we don't follow, we are all going to die of obesity. So how much are we gonna lose?
I would like to lose 65 pounds.
Yes, all right. Who else? [to Angela] Can I put you down for 10 pounds?
No. My doctor wants me to gain weight.
If you gain weight, you will die. I want you to live forever. I want us all to live forever. How? How are we going to do this?
Cryogenics. Beer me five.
This is how we're gonna do it. Five pounds. I'm asking each of you to lose five pounds. That plus Jim's 65 will give us a very good chance at winning this thing.
[About Kelly] I like her nails.
Okay, be more specific.
I like her finger nails.
S5 E3Business Ethics
That isn't ethics. Ethics is a real discussion of the competing conceptions of the good. This is just the corporate anti-shoplifting rules.
I'll drop an ethics bomb on you. Would you steal bread to feed your family? ...Boom!
Exactly, Andy.
Yeah, I took intro to philosophy, twice. No big deal.
It's a trick question. The bread is poisoned. Also, it's not your real family. You've been cuckolded by a stronger, smarter male.
No, that's... not how it works.
I would not... steal the bread. And I would not let my family go hungry.
Can anyone think of examples of things that are over-the-line time wasters?
This meeting.
S5 E4Baby Shower
I love babies. I think they are beautiful in all sorts of different ways. I try to pick up and hold a baby every day, if possible, because it nourishes me. It feeds my soul. Babies are drawn to me. And I think it's because they see me as one of them. But... cooler and with my life put together a little bit more. If a baby were President, there would be no taxes. There would be no war. There would be no... government, and... things could get terrible. And actually probably it would be a better screenplay idea then a serious suggestion.
Jan is about to have a baby with a sperm donor. And Michael is preparing for the birth of a watermelon with Dwight. Now, this baby will be related to Michael through delusion.
I do not like pregnant women in my workspace. They always complain. I have varicose veins, too. I have swollen ankles. I'm constantly hungry. Do you think my nipples don't get sore, too? Do you think I don't need to know the fastest way to the hospital?
S5 E5Crime Aid
In my opinion, the third date is traditionally the one where... you have sex. Does Holly feel that way? I don't know. I will probably find out tonight. If she starts having sex with me I'll know for sure.
Nobody steals from Creed Bratton and gets away with it. The last person to do this disappeared. His name: Creed Bratton.
S5 E6Employee Transfer
It's been a weird week since we found out I had to transfer. Michael wanted me to quit and get some job here in Scranton, and I said, "Well, why don't you quit and get some job in Nashua?" And he said, "I asked you first." And I said, "First!" at the same time he did. And then I said "Jinx." And then we never talked about it again and haven't been back to the conversation. So...
[dressed as Charlie Chaplin] So apparently no one dresses up for Halloween here. I wish I had known that before I used grease paint for my mustache. And I can't even take off my hat... because then I'm Hitler.
S5 E7Customer Survey
Dwight, get out of my nook.
[heard through Jim's Bluetooth] THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID! THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID! THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!
Good one.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Office (US) pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.