Everyone stop what you're doing. I have terrible news. Dwight is no longer with us.
APAngela, Pam, Phyllis, Oscar
What?
He's gone, dammit! He's been promoted to VP of Sabre Retail, and he's staying in Florida forever.
AngelaSo he's alive?
Yeah. That was him on the phone. He sounds wonderful.
Angela
Well, the way you said it made it sound like he was dead.
How could I have been more clear? He had a massive stroke of good fortune and he is now in a better place.
Hey Jim. Stanley's back from the hospital today. Can you sign his card?
Oh, great. [reads] "Glad they didn't mix up your tonsillectomy with a moustachectomy." Oh, that's not good.
Oh, because your jokes are all hilarious.
It's nice. It's funny. It mentions his tonsillectomy and makes a funny little joke about his moustache.
Stanley doesn't have a moustache.
Pam, hit the brakes. Stanley does not have a moustache. I misspoke. I'm not sure. I think he has one, now that- I think he has a moustache.
Okay, Phyllis sits across from him every day. Phyllis, does he have a moustache or not?
Oh, I don't know. Now I think he doesn't.
Phyllis! What are you talking- The whole card depends on this!
Okay, the man's worked here for 25 years. How can none of us picture his face?
Angela
Because we come here to do our jobs. We don't stick our noses in other people's business.
Okay, which one of these looks more right?
[holds up drawing of Stanley with and without a moustache]
Neither of those looks like any person that has ever existed or been dreamt of in the history of human insanity. That said, the one on the left.
[bell dings] Guys, that's the elevator. What if it's him?
Okay, quick. Who says moustache?
[Pam, Oscar, Dwight, and Creed raise their hands]
[Jim, Angela, and Phyllis raise their hands; Gabe enters, hiding Stanley's face]
[reveals Stanley's moustache] Ah! Ha ha ha!
He does have a moustache.
[Stanley grunts]
Laverne packs up the pie wagon at 5:00, so...
At 5:00? That's only 20 minutes from now. [looking at map] The pie shop is 13 miles away. So at 55 miles an hour, that just gives us five minutes to spare.
Angela
So, wait, when pies are involved, you can suddenly do math in your head?
Hold on, Kevin, how much is 19,154 pies divided by 61 pies?
Well, it's the... carry the 4... it doesn't work.
I knew the party was today, but nobody asked me to plan it, so I didn't. Hmm, funny how that works.
[Scoffs] We're out there sweating our balls off every day, bustin' our balls. We deserve a Christmas party!
Well, then, why don't we just get some liquor and those mini-cupcakes?
Mini-cupcakes? As in the mini version of regular cupcakes, which is already a mini version of cake? Honestly, where does it end with you people?
What about an authentic Pennsylvania Dutch Christmas? Drink some gluhwein, enjoy some hasenpfeffer. Enjoy Christmas with Saint Nicolas' rural German companion, Belsnickel.
Yes! That, that, that! We're definitely doing that. Are we all in agreement?
Angela
No!
Angela
No.
No. I want Tropical Christmas.
Angela
What is it?
It's my Aunt Shirley. She's on her last legs.
Angela
Dwight, that's awful.
You have no idea. I mean her hair, her clothes, its all falling off in great, big clumps. And we need someone to go out there and clean her up. We had a nurse, but she quit, because she was "poisoned" by Aunt Shirley.
Angela
What do you mean by poisoned?
Probably nothing. Or Strychnine. Or Lemonade and Strychnine, which is actually what it was.
[through a megaphone] Listen to me! I love you! And I don't care that Phillip's not my son! I will raise 100 children with 100 of your lovers if it means I can be with you!
Angela
Can you put that down?
This expresses how loudly I love you!
Angela
It's too loud.
[Dwight puts the megaphone down, gets on one knee, and pulls out a ring]
This is a ring taken from the buttocks of my grandmother, put there by the gangster patriarch of the Coors dynasty, melted in a foundry run by Mennonites.
Angela
Okay. Yes. Yes, I will! [They embrace and kiss] I love you. And I lied to you.
Angela
Phillip's your son.
What? Why would you say...
Angela
I just needed you to want to marry me because you wanted to marry me.
Angela
You're a dad!
The Office (US) · 496 quotes
