Kevin Malone quotes from The Office (US)

Michael

Kevin, Erin would like a few words with you.

Erin

Hey.

Kevin

Hi.

Erin

I have really enjoyed our time together.

Kevin

Yeah, me too.

Erin

I want to continue working on our friendship.

Kevin

Really, really fun.

Erin

Because I think our friendship could be a really cool thing.

Kevin

Yeah, me too.

Erin

And, you're my friend.

Kevin

Yeah.

Erin

And I hope that I'm your friend... and maybe...

Kevin

Yeah.

Michael

Oh my God, this is agonizing. Look, Kevin, do you really think that you could have dated Erin?

Kevin

You said she liked me.

Michael

Okay, even if someone told you that, you should know that could never be possible, Kevin. And I'm surprised that you didn't question me in the first place.

Stanley

This is not the meal I was promised. I'm going to have no energy for the rest of the day.

Kevin

I cancelled my plans to come to this thing, and they repay me with this?

Michael

You know what, guys? Let's just enjoy lunch.

Kevin

With what? How? Sometimes, Michael, sometimes...

Michael

Excuse me, everyone. SEX! Now that I have your attention...

Stanley

You don't have our attention.

Michael

MONEY!

Stanley

I'm listening.

Kevin

You had me at sex.

Michael

Pervert.

Michael

[imitating Yoda] Holly Flax, marrying me will you be?

Holly

[also imitating] Your wife becoming be will I.

Michael

So, guys, guys, guys, guys, we're moving to Colorado.

Kevin

All of us?

Michael

Yep.

Jim

Wait, what?

Michael

Holly has to go back to Colorado. I'm going with her. I'm leaving.

Andy

Nine million, nine hundred eighty six thousand minutes! We actually sat down, and did the math.

Nine million, nine hundred eighty six thousand minutes! That's how many minutes, that you've worked here.

Pam

In costumes!

Jim

And impressions!

Toby

In meetings.

And cups of coffee.

Kevin

For birthdays!

Stanley

More meetings and...

...E-mail forwards you made us read.

Nine million, nine hundred eighty six thousand minutes! That's like watching Die Hard, eighty thousand times!

Meredith

You hit me with your car!

Ryan

You helped me get off drugs!

Creed

I watch you when you sleep.

Oscar

I forgive you for kissing me!

Remember to call. Call. Remember to call. Call. Remember to call. Call.

Call, text or e-mail, or call.

Deangelo

[falsetto] Measure your life in love!

Remember to call, remember to call. Remember to call.

Andy

Oh, there's an inner circle. Oh yeah.

Jim

There is no inner circle. Deangelo just prefers to delegate a few things to a few guys.

Kevin

Jim only says that because he's in the inner circle. I also say that because I am also in the inner circle. Did you get that, Ma? Your boy, Kevin Malone, is IN the inner circle! Which doesn't exist.

Dwight

[about Tallahassee trip] Oh, I'm sorry Stanley. I can't share any more details with you. You see, Andy rejected you.

Meredith

Wait, Kathy gets to go? Why does she even still work here? Pam is back.

Oscar

It just feels like a slap in the face.

Dwight

I can understand your pain and your rage, but you know what? Andy is an honorable man, let us not question his choices. I'm sure he had his reasons.

Oscar

We're not questioning his reasons. I just want to know what they are.

Dwight

I know, you and me both, brother. It seemed kind of random to me, but he was pretty clear. On who he thought truly deserved this boondoggle of a lifetime.

Kevin

Well, he nailed it. Because I do deserve a vacation. Sometimes Batman's got to take off his cape.

Shabooyah, role call! Shabooyah, yah yah shabooyah, role call!

Pam

My name is Pam.

Yeah!

Pam

I like to paint.

Yeah!

Pam

You think you’re better?

Yeah!

Pam

Oh no you ain't!

Role call! Shabooyah, yah yah shabooyah, role call! Shabooyah, yah yah shabooyah, role call!

Kevin

My name is Kevin.

Yeah!

Kevin

That is my name.

Yeah!

Kevin

They call me Kevin.

Yeah!

Kevin

'Cause that's my name.

Jim

Laverne packs up the pie wagon at 5:00, so...

Kevin

At 5:00? That's only 20 minutes from now. [looking at map] The pie shop is 13 miles away. So at 55 miles an hour, that just gives us five minutes to spare.

Angela

So, wait, when pies are involved, you can suddenly do math in your head?

Oscar

Hold on, Kevin, how much is 19,154 pies divided by 61 pies?

Kevin

314 pies.

Oscar

What if it were salads?

Kevin

Well, it's the... carry the 4... it doesn't work.

Oscar

I have to say I'm impressed with Kevin. He showed a lot of self-control.

Kevin

I totally forgot about the affair for a minute. [laughs] Oscar is having sex with the senator and Angela doesn't even know. [laughing still] Her life is a complete sham!

Phyllis

I knew the party was today, but nobody asked me to plan it, so I didn't. Hmm, funny how that works.

Meredith

[Scoffs] We're out there sweating our balls off every day, bustin' our balls. We deserve a Christmas party!

Nellie

Well, then, why don't we just get some liquor and those mini-cupcakes?

Kevin

Mini-cupcakes? As in the mini version of regular cupcakes, which is already a mini version of cake? Honestly, where does it end with you people?

Dwight

What about an authentic Pennsylvania Dutch Christmas? Drink some gluhwein, enjoy some hasenpfeffer. Enjoy Christmas with Saint Nicolas' rural German companion, Belsnickel.

Jim

Yes! That, that, that! We're definitely doing that. Are we all in agreement?

Kevin

No.

Angela

No!

Jim

Done, right?

Angela

No.

Stanley

No. I want Tropical Christmas.

Meredith

Topless Christmas.

Creed

Tapas Swiss Miss.

My name is Todd Packer, and I am in recovery. I'm working the steps. I'm on step eight of Alcoholics Anonymous, step nine of Narcotics Anonymous. I'm here to make amends. I've been hard to deal with over the past years. Kind of a jerk. I know it. I don't need you to accept my apology, but I'd love it if you did.

Kevin

Packer, we accept.

Actually, I have a specific way I need to do this, and I have to go through examples of stuff. Okay, uh, where to begin? Hey, Pam-Pam and her Pam-Pams. Well I have said some crude things about those. But they are beautiful, and I guess that's why I acted out. Pam, I'm sorry I objectified you and personified your breasts. Sorry guys. [to Phyllis] Oh, boy. I have not been nice to you. Phylly, I'm sorry for the things I said about your size. To your face, behind your back, and in the form of drawings. Actually, that goes to all you double XLs. Stanley, Kevin... [to Clark] This kid...in a few years.

Pam

Todd, you're just saying insults in the form of an apology.

Why can't I just be nice?

Kevin

[Comes into the office to find Phyllis with her eyes closed and earbuds in] Uh oh, she's doing it again!

Pam

Phyllis has gotten into audiobooks, and lately she's been listening to 50 Shades of Grey, which, if you don't know what it is, it's a book about um, uh...

It's porn.

Pam

Yeah.