Jim Halpert quotes from The Office (US)

Pam

Thank goodness you were there

Michael

[shaking his head nervously] Yeah...

Andy

Did you see who did it?

Dwight

No need. We can just check the security tapes

Michael

It's kind of a good news bad news there. I was able to be on the scene so quickly because I was in the car that hit her.

Jim

Who was driving?

Pam

oh Michael...

Jim

Do you remember what you said to me on my first day of work, just before you walked me over to my desk?

Pam

Yeah: "Enjoy this moment, because you're never going to go back to this time before you met your deskmate Dwight."

Jim

That's when I knew. You?

Pam

You came up to my desk and you said, "This might sound weird, and there's no reason for me to know this, but that mixed berry yogurt you're about to eat is expired."

Jim

That was the moment that you knew you liked me.

Pam

Yep.

Jim

Wow. Can we make it a different moment?

Pam

Nope.

Jim

Did I ever tell you why I left Scranton?

Dwight

[sobs]

Jim

Yeah, I didn't think I had. Well, it was all about Pam. Yeah, I mean, she was with Roy... and I just couldn't take it. I mean, I lost it, Dwight. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't concentrate on anything. And then weird stuff, like, food had no taste. So my solution was to move away. It was awful. And it is something that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. And that includes you.

Dwight

Second Life is not a game. It is a multi-user, virtual environment. It doesn't have points or scores. It doesn't have winners or losers.

Jim

Oh, it has losers.

Michael

Ten years, you'll figure it out.

Jim

Well, I don't think I'll be here in ten years.

Michael

That's what I said. [Jim looks concerned] That's what she said.

Jim

That's what who said?

Michael

I never know. I just say it. I say stuff like that, you know, to lighten the tension. When things sort of get hard.

Jim

That's what she said.

Michael

Hey! Nice, really good. Bravo, my young ward.

Jim

[after pairing his headset with Dwight's cell phone] Hello this is Dwight.

Pam

[on phone] Is this Dwight?

Jim

Yes, it is.

Pam

Oh my goodness, you sound sexy.

Jim

Oh, thank you. I've been working out.

Dwight

Woah! Woah! Woah! Pam! Pam! You are not talking to Dwight right now. You are talking to Jim!

Pam

Dwight?

Dwight

No! [waving] I'm over here!

Pam

I'm confused.

Michael

Thank you. Holly is right. People, this is not just about winning some extra vacation days. This is about a very cool HR initiative that if we don't follow, we are all going to die of obesity. So how much are we gonna lose?

Jim

I would like to lose 65 pounds.

Michael

Yes, all right. Who else? [to Angela] Can I put you down for 10 pounds?

Angela

No. My doctor wants me to gain weight.

Michael

If you gain weight, you will die. I want you to live forever. I want us all to live forever. How? How are we going to do this?

Jim

Cryogenics. Beer me five.

Michael

This is how we're gonna do it. Five pounds. I'm asking each of you to lose five pounds. That plus Jim's 65 will give us a very good chance at winning this thing.

Kelly

Dwight, get out of my nook.

Pam

[heard through Jim's Bluetooth] THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID! THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID! THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!

Jim

Good one.

Dwight

[Interrupting Jim and Pam's kiss in the parking lot] You're back.

Pam

Uh, yeah.

Dwight

Good. [hands Pam a stack of papers] I need you to make five copies of these.

Pam

I'm not going inside.

Dwight

Alright, first thing in the morning then.

Jim

[to Pam] Welcome back.

Jim

Toby works here again.

Michael

Oh, can you imagine?

Jim

Oh no. You don't know.

Michael

I don't know. What?

Jim

You should probably just meander back there; take a look. See if he's... See if he's back.

Michael

Dare I? [chuckles] You know what, I'm going to, for old time's sake.

Michael

Great practical joke, Jim. Got me to go to the annex.

Toby

Hey, Michael--

Michael

[visibly horrified] NOOOO, GOD! No, God, please, no! No! NO! [a short pause] NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Dwight

What is this?

Jim

Happy holidays, Dwight. But do not open it till Christmas.

Dwight

You're so pathetic. How long did this take you? Three hours?

Jim

Five minutes actually. I am a black belt in gift wrapping.

Dwight

Yeah, no such thing. They don't give out black belts for things that are stupid. [scoffs] Well, I hope it was worth it, cause I'm gonna take it apart in about five minutes.

Jim

I think it'll take you a little bit longer than that.

Dwight

Really? If I can skin a mule deer in less than ten minutes, I ought to be able to cut my—[sets briefcase on desk and sits in chair, which both break, causing Dwight to fall over]

Jim

Okay, okay, okay. Why don't we just put this to a vote, and then we'll be done with it.

Angela

I'm not voting.

Jim

No one cares.

Jim

[regarding Pam's father] What did he say? Is it my fault?

Pam

Yeah. He said that you told him how much you love me. About how you feel when I walk in a room. And about how you've never doubted for a second that I'm the woman you want to spend the rest of your life with. I guess he's never felt that way about my mom, even at their best.

Jim

You okay?

Pam

Yeah. [Cut to talking head] When you're a kid, you assume your parents are soulmates. My kids are going to be right about that.

Jim

Are you kidding?

Dwight

Well, I'm not done yet.

Jim

Dwight, this fits in the palm of my hand. You haven't blown them up enough. Why have you chosen brown and gray balloons?

Dwight

They match the carpet.

Jim

What is that? [points to sign] "It is your birthday, period."

Dwight

It's a statement of fact.

Jim

Not even an exclamation point?

Dwight

This is more professional! It's not like she discovered a cure for cancer!

Jim

Actually, when I was seven, my dad took me to the Natural History Museum in New York. And we looked at fossils all day. And at the end of the day, he got me a little plastic triceratops. It was awesome.

Dwight

That's cool. Hey, you know what's even cooler than triceratops? Every other dinosaur that ever existed.

Jim

Didn't see that one coming.