Jim Halpert quotes from The Office (US)

Jim

I was just, um... I'm in love with you.

Pam

What?

Jim

I'm really sorry if that's weird for you to hear, but I needed you to hear it. Probably not good timing, I know that, I just--

Pam

What are you doing? What do you expect me to say to that?

Jim

I just needed you to know. Once.

Pam

Well, I, um--I can't...

Jim

Yeah.

Pam

You have no idea--

Jim

Don't do that.

Pam

--what your friendship means to me.

Jim

Come on. I don't want to do that. I want to be more than that.

Pam

What time is it there?

Jim

What time is it here? Um, we're in the same time zone.

Pam

Uh, oh, yeah, right.

Jim

How far away did you think we were?

Pam

I don't know. It felt far.

Jim

...Yeah.

Jim

I don't have a lot of contact with the Scranton branch, but before I left I took a box of Dwight's stationary. So from time to time, I send Dwight faxes... from himself... from the future.

Dwight

[reading fax] "Dwight, at 8:00 AM today someone poisons the coffee. Do not drink the coffee. More instructions to follow. Cordially, future Dwight." [seeing Stanley with coffee] NOOOOOOO! [knocks coffee out of Stanley's hand] You'll thank me later.

Kelly

Jim! Oh my God, I have so much to tell you. Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes had a baby, and they named it Suri! And Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie also had a baby, and they named it Shiloh! And both babies are amaziiiing!

Jim

Wow, so, uh, what's new with you?

Kelly

[blank stare] I just told you.

Michael

I'm Prison Mike! You know why they call me Prison Mike?!

Angela

Do you really expect us to believe that you're another person?

Do you really not expect me to throw you up against that wall, biatch?!

Jim

Where did you learn all of this?

Internet.

Jim

So, not prison.

And prison. Fifty-fifty... both. Look, prison stinks is what I'm saying. It's not like you can go home and recharge your batteries, and come back in the morning and be with your friends, having fun in the office.

Jim

What did you do, Prison Mike?

I stole. And I robbed. And I kidnapped... the President's son. And held him for ransom.

Jim

That is quite the rapsheet, Prison Mike.

And I never got caught neither!

Jim

Well, you are in prison. But mmhmm.

Michael

Why do I feel like crap?

Jim

You just had a rebound.

Michael

A rebound?

Jim

Yeah. Which, don't get me wrong, can be a really fun distraction, but when it's over... you're left thinking about the girl you really like-- the one that broke your heart.

Michael

The Jamaicans don't have a word for "impossible."

Jim

Yep, it's English. It's impossible.

Jim

After you sir.

Dwight

No, thank you. I never let anyone walk behind me. Seven out of ten attacks are from the rear.

Jim

Okay, well, that still leaves a 30% chance that I'll attack you from the front.

Dwight

Yeah, but it'll easier to stop. I can always black the blow. Or I can counter—[gets smacked in the face by Jim]

Michael

Guys! Beef: it's what's for dinner! Who wants some man meat?

Dwight

I do! I want some man meat!

Jim

Michael, Dwight would like your man meat.

Michael

Well then, my man meat he shall have.

Dwight

Jim, could you please inform Andy Bernard that he is being shunned?

Jim

Andy, Dwight says welcome back and he could use a hug.

Dwight

Okay, tell him that that's not true.

Jim

Dwight says that he actually doesn't know one single fact about bear attacks.

Dwight

Okay, no, Jim, tell him bears can climb faster than they can run. [Andy walks away] Jim! Tell him!

Jim

Andy... nah, that's too far.

Dwight

Damn you.

Andy

Beer me!

Jim

What's that?

Andy

Hand me that water. I always say, "Beer me." Gets a laugh like a quarter of the time.

Jim

Lord, beer me strength.

Jim

Question, what kind of bear is best?

Dwight

That's a ridiculous question.

Jim

False. Black bear.

Dwight

That's debatable. There are basically two schools of thought.

Jim

Fact. Bears eat beets. Bears. Beets. Battlestar Galactica.

Jim

Question, what kind of bear is best?

Dwight

That's a ridiculous question.

Jim

False. Black bear.

Dwight

That's debatable. There are basically two schools of thought.

Jim

Fact. Bears eat beets. Bears. Beets. Battlestar Galactica.

Dwight

Bears do not—What is going on? What are you doing?!

Jim

Last week, I was in a drug store and I saw these glasses. Uh, four dollars. And it only cost me seven dollars to recreate the rest of the ensemble. And that's a grand total of... [calculates the total on his watch] eleven dollars.

Dwight

You know what? Imitation is the most sincere form of flattery, so I thank you. [Jim places a bobble-head on his desk] Identity theft is not a joke, Jim! Millions of families suffer every year!

Jim

MICHAEL!

Dwight

Oh, that's funny. MICHAEL!

Dwight

Jim, Jim, Jim. Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim.

Jim

Oh, hey, Dwight.

Dwight

I'm going to be your new boss. It's my greatest dream come true. Welcome to the Hotel Hell. Check-in time is now. Check-out time is never.

Jim

Does my room have cable?

Dwight

No. And the sheets are made of fire!

Jim

Can I change rooms?

Dwight

Sorry, we're all booked up. Hell convention in town.

Jim

Can I have a late check-out?

Dwight

I'll have to talk to the manager.

Jim

You're not the manager? Even in your own fantasy?

Dwight

I'm the owner. The co-owner. With Satan.

Jim

Okay, just so I understand it: in your wildest fantasy, you are in hell, and you are co-running a bed and breakfast with the devil.

Dwight

Yeah, but I haven't told you my salary yet.

Jim

Go.

Dwight

$80,000 a year.

Pam

I haven't heard anything, but I bet Jim got the job. I mean, why wouldn't he? He's totally qualified, and smart, everyone loves him. And if he never comes back again, that's okay. We're friends. And I'm sure we'll stay friends. We just... we never got the timing right, you know? I shot him down and then he did the same to me, but you know what? It's okay. I am totally fine. Everything is going to be totally...

Jim

Pam. [to camera] Sorry. [to Pam] Um, are you free for dinner tonight?

Pam

Yes.

Jim

All right. Then... it's a date.

Pam

I'm sorry, what was the question?