Jim Halpert quotes from The Office (US)

Jim

You know how some people say they're not in it for the money? Well, with all due respect to this job, I'm think I'm definitely in it for the money. And, quite honestly, the women.

Jim

Around here, Oscar is known as "Actually" because he will insert himself into just about any conversation to add facts or correct grammar. He really does fit that old stereotype of the smug gay Mexican.

Jim

[as Goldenface] Oh, someone's coming alright. The only man who would care: Michael Scarn. See, I'm gonna lure him here, then I kill everybody, then I'm gonna dig up Scarn's dead wife and I'm gonna hump her real good.

Jim

I did not love the dialogue. Or the character. I took the role to impress a receptionist who will remain nameless.

Jim

Dwight has been acting manager for three months now. No, a week. Just feels like three months. Let's see, we all have to punch in to a time clock, which is very old, very strong, and has a slot about the size of a finger. We were all given new business cards big enough to set us apart from the competition, which is how I learned that our titles are all now "Junior Employee". Our lunch breaks are staggered to prevent wasting time. Mine's at 10:30, and I find that the first hour of the day goes by a lot quicker than the second seven hours.

Jim

There's this thing that people tend to do with billboards. How do I put this? If there's an opportunity for a graffiti artist to work in a... phallic shape, interacting with the artwork, it'll happen, and Andy gave them that opportunity.

Jim

No, I don't think we should be trying to make this place seem unpleasant. I think we should let this place just crush her spirit by itself. I mean, it knows what it's doing.

Michael

[points at Dwight's stapler inside the Jell-O] What is that?

Dwight

That's my stapler.

Michael

No, no, no! Do not take it out. You have to eat it out of there, because there are starving people in the world, which I hate, and it is a waste of that kind of food.

Dwight

OK, you know what? [to Ryan] You can be a witness. Can you reprimand him, please?

Jim

[eating cherry Jell-O] How do you know it was me?

Dwight

It's always you. Are you going to discipline him or not?

Michael

Oooh, discipline. Kinky! [chuckles] Alright, here's the deal you guys. The thing about a practical joke is that you have to know when to start and as well as when to stop.

Dwight

Yeah.

Michael

And yeah. Jim, this is the time to stop putting Dwight's personal effects into Jell-O.

Jim

OK. Dwight, I'm sorry, because I have always been your biggest flan.

Michael

[laughs] Nice. That's the way it is around here. It just kind of goes round and round.

Ryan

You should've put him in custardy.

Michael

Hey! Yes! New guy! He scores.

Dwight

OK, that's great. I guess what I'm most concerned with is damage to company property. That's all.

Michael

Pudding. Pudding... I'm trying to think of another dessert to do.

Jim

Wait, what are you writing? Don't write ebola or mad cow disease, all right? [Shows Pam his sheet; he has circled every disease on it] Because I'm suffering from both of them.

Pam

[Laughs] I'm inventing new diseases.

Jim

Oh, great.

Pam

So, like, let's say that my teeth turn to liquid and then they drip down the back of my throat. What would you call that?

Jim

I thought you said you were inventing new diseases. That's spontaneous dental hydroplosion.

Pam

Nice.

Jim

Dwight, Don't you need health insurance?

Dwight

Don't need it. Perfect immunity. I can raise and lower my cholesterol at will.

Pam

Why would you need to raise your cholesterol?

Dwight

So I can lower it.

Hey Jimmy, what do you think about purse girl?

Jim

Cute, sure.

Why don't you get on that?

Jim

She's not really my type.

What are you, gay?

Jim

Mmm... I don't think so, nope.

Kevin

Well what is your type?

Jim

Moms primarily. Yup. Soccer moms, single moms, Nascar moms, any type of mom, really.

That is disgusting.

Kevin

Stay away from my mom.

Jim

Too late, Kev.

Michael

Attention everyone, hello! Yes, I just want you to know that this is not my decision but from here on out, we can no longer be friends. And when we talk about things here, we must only discuss work associated things. And uh, you can consider this my retirement from comedy. And in the future if I want to say something funny, or witty, or do an impression I will no longer, ever, do any of those things.

Jim

Does that include "That's what she said?"

Michael

Mmm hmm, yes.

Jim

Wow. That is really hard. ...You really think you can go all day long? Well, you always left me satisfied and smiling, so...

Michael

That's what she said!

Michael

Dwight, what're you doing

Dwight

I found it under the seat.

Jim

Oh my God! Dwight! Put it down!

Dwight

I'm thirsty. [Jim sprays him] No!

Jim

Give the bottle to Michael.

Dwight

No. I'm thirsty.

Michael

Give the bottle to me, Dwight. [To Jim] Just keep your eyes on the road. Give me the bottle or you're fired.

Dwight

You can't fire me! I don't work in this van!

Michael

Give it to me, Dwight! [tries to grab it]

Dwight

No. [takes a sip] Mmm... [babbles insanely]

Pam

What did you guys talk about?

Jim

Oh, just you know--politics, literature... [holds up Hooter's T-shirt]

Pam

I hate you.

Dwight

It's a terrible idea.

Jim

What is?

Dwight

Them in there all together. They stay in there too long, they're gonna get on the same cycle. Wreak havoc on our plumbing.

Michael

I am going to donate to Afghanistanis with AIDS.

Jim

Oh, I think you mean the Aid to Afghanistan.

Michael

No, I mean Afghanistanis with AIDS.

Phyllis

Afghani.

Michael

What?

Phyllis

Afghani.

Michael

That's a dog.

Pam

No, that's afghan.

Michael

That's a shawl.

Dwight

Wait, canine AIDS?

Michael

No, humans with AIDS.

Creed

Who has AIDS?

Jim

Guys, the Afghanistananis.