Michael Scott quotes from The Office (US)

Michael

I am going to donate to Afghanistanis with AIDS.

Jim

Oh, I think you mean the Aid to Afghanistan.

Michael

No, I mean Afghanistanis with AIDS.

Phyllis

Afghani.

Michael

What?

Phyllis

Afghani.

Michael

That's a dog.

Pam

No, that's afghan.

Michael

That's a shawl.

Dwight

Wait, canine AIDS?

Michael

No, humans with AIDS.

Creed

Who has AIDS?

Jim

Guys, the Afghanistananis.

Toby

Actually, I didn't think it was appropriate to invite children since it's, uh, you know, there's gambling and alcohol. And it's in our dangerous warehouse. And it's a school night. And, you know, Hooters is catering, you know. Is that...is that enough? Should I keep going?

Michael

Why are you the way that you are? Honestly, every time I try to do something fun or exciting, you make it not that way. I hate...so much...about the things that you choose to be.

Michael

Hey, I thought you weren't supposed to eat anything for a couple hours after you've had a crown put it?

Dwight

...They have this new kind of quick-drying bonding.

Michael

Oh? sounds like a good dentist.

Dwight

Yeah...

Michael

What's his name?

Dwight

...Crentist.

Michael

Your dentist's name is Crentist... huh. Sounds a lot like dentist.

Dwight

Maybe that's why he became a dentist?

Michael

And another thing about the Indian people, they love sex positions. I present to you the Kama Sutra. I mean look at that. Who has seen that before?

Creed

I have. That's the Union of the Monkey.

Meredith

Oh, that's what they call it!

Kevin

This is the best meeting that we have ever had.

Jan

I am here to tell you that we are closing the Scranton branch.

Michael

I don't understand.

Jan

The board voted last night to close your branch.

Michael

On whom's authority?

Jan

The board's.

Michael

I'm Prison Mike! You know why they call me Prison Mike?!

Angela

Do you really expect us to believe that you're another person?

Do you really not expect me to throw you up against that wall, biatch?!

Jim

Where did you learn all of this?

Internet.

Jim

So, not prison.

And prison. Fifty-fifty... both. Look, prison stinks is what I'm saying. It's not like you can go home and recharge your batteries, and come back in the morning and be with your friends, having fun in the office.

Jim

What did you do, Prison Mike?

I stole. And I robbed. And I kidnapped... the President's son. And held him for ransom.

Jim

That is quite the rapsheet, Prison Mike.

And I never got caught neither!

Jim

Well, you are in prison. But mmhmm.

Michael

I'd like everybody's attention. Christmas is cancelled.

Stanley

You can't cancel a holiday.

Michael

Keep it up, Stanley, and you'll lose New Year's.

Stanley

What's that mean?

Michael

Jim, take New Year's away from Stanley.

Michael

Why do I feel like crap?

Jim

You just had a rebound.

Michael

A rebound?

Jim

Yeah. Which, don't get me wrong, can be a really fun distraction, but when it's over... you're left thinking about the girl you really like-- the one that broke your heart.

Pam

[seeing a picture of Michael and Jan in Jamaica] Oh my God, is that Jan?

Michael

No... that's a German woman named... Urkel... grue.

Michael

Jan? You complete me.

Jan

...Oh god.

Michael

The Jamaicans don't have a word for "impossible."

Jim

Yep, it's English. It's impossible.

Michael

Guys! Beef: it's what's for dinner! Who wants some man meat?

Dwight

I do! I want some man meat!

Jim

Michael, Dwight would like your man meat.

Michael

Well then, my man meat he shall have.

Michael

I love you, Jan.

Jan

Okay.

Michael

No need for consternation. Everything is under control.

Jan

Michael, last Friday one of your employees attacked another employee in your office!

Michael

It was a crime of passion, Jan. Not a disgruntled employee. Everyone here is extremely gruntled.

Dwight

Ready?

Michael

Let's do it. Drop that sucker.

Michael

BINGO! WHOA, WHOA, WHOA!

Michael

Oh crap. Deactivate the car alarm. Clean up the mess.

Dwight

Okay.

Michael

Find out whose car that is. If it's Stanley's, call the offices of James P. Albini, see if he handles hate crimes.